Dear
Dr. Janet Taylor,
I know this email is at the bottom of your box and you will probably never read it, but I thought I would send it anyway. It kinda feels like the year I emailed all of People's 100 Most Eligible Bachelors before I realized that I had bought my issue a week after release and while those hot guys in Alaska must be pretty bored, they aren't reading after the 50th email. They sign into their mailbox, see 28,000 new emails and just head for the bars to pick up girls the old fashioned way. Getting them drunk.
You'll be happy to know that the reason I am late to weigh in on this issue is because I have been busy packing my bag for the trip to the birthing center to give birth to my second son. Aren't I sounding very responsible? Wait til you see what's in my bag...
The socks, underwear and t-shirt are my husband's. It's his favorite shirt. We got it at
Hog's Breath Saloon one year when we were hammered. Oops. I shouldn't have said that. I'm sure as the perfect mother of four, you correctly identify the mesh underwear hanging over the bag. Here's what else is in my bag...
The makings of Red Ruby Martinis for me to drink when I finally give birth (hopefully within the next two weeks) to my second son. But now I am concerned. Because after listening to you, I'm worried that maybe I haven't sought
healthy ways to deal with the stress of pushing an 8 pound baby out a hole the size of sharpie pen. I mean, I didn't even think about the ramifications of my minutes old newborn son seeing me drink a martini in celebration of getting his alien body OUT OF MINE.
Do you know why I am having a martini after I give birth? Because
Actually, at 37 weeks, 5 days, Mommy NEEDS a Cocktail. But Mommy has succombed to societal peer pressure and is only SAYING that she
WANTS a cocktail. She has toned her behavior down slightly with her
favorite necklace made by her friend Andrea. Who just had a baby. And might very well be having a glass of wine in front of her son.
My husband, also known as my more responsible half, my guidance counselor, my AA coach, is slightly pissed about this whole thing. While he has spent the last 9 months
Drinking for Two, he was hoping to get a little schnockered with the little woman. I mean, he drinks beer around The Boy all the time but he didn't realize how irresponsible it was for ME to drink in front of The Boy. He doesn't know how he is EVER going to get that martini into a juice box for Mom to drink so we can save the New Boy from the ruination that has most certainly already occurred to his older brother.
He also said that if he were Melissa of
Suburban Bliss, he would have wanted to beat you and Meredith Viera over the head repeatedly with a baseball bat. But that's just him.
OK, gotta run. Gotta plan the playdate for Monday.
Signed,
MommyNeedsACocktail
