Remember when, in a moment of colossal stupidity, I signed The Boy up for swimming lessons AND the wiggles and giggles class?  Remember how my husband TOLD me not to do it but Mama knows best?  Oh, I'm gonna die. 

I showed up to wiggles and giggles class.  As we waited outside the room and I watched my son plaster his entire head against the window that overlooks the pool, screaming "Agggggggg-oooo-aaaaaa" like a lunatic, I had another mom sit down beside me with her daughter.  She was 5'9", size 00, and completely put together.  I glanced around and realized that somehow I had ended up in the Coach-bag-carrying-mothers, small-children-wearing-real-Uggs crowd.  I started, for a brief second, to regret that I was wearing only clothing belonging to my husband.  Except my maternity thongs.  And let's be honest.  You do reach a point of pregnancy, shall we call it the "beyond the sexiness?"  I wanted to hate this woman, but what she said next endeared her to me forever and I realized that the beautiful people in this world need us ugly, fat, pregnant women as friends too.

Mom:  Are you going to the wiggles and giggles class?
K:  Yes.  You guys?
Mom:  Yeah.  Do you happen to know if this a parent participation class?
K:  (starting to feel the panic rise in my throat) Good Lord, I hope not.  I mean, I thought we had to go to the class to make sure that our kids don't beat on any other kids.  I have no wiggles and giggles. 
Mom:  I took Haley to the art class.  What a mistake.  They expect a 2 year old to cut paper?  I ended up doing everything.  Like I wanted to sign up for an hour of art.  I have 6 year old twins and it's been just long enough that I have forgotten what a mistake these classes are.  You think I was tortured enough that I could remember.  We could be wiggling in here.

And did we wiggle.  Sitting on the floor.  Standing up.  Sitting back on the floor.  Standing up.

"Ladies, the rules of the class are as follows.  Please keep your child within arm's reach." 

Yeah, now I know why those parents put those kids on leashes.  Did I mention that I did the Twist for 5 minutes? I thought I was going to give birth right there on the kid's trampoline. 

As I walked out, I said to the mom, "Our worst nightmare lived."  Her response--"I couldn't stop thinking about you when we had to jump up and down for 5 minutes." 

The swim class--

"COME ON, MOMMIES!!!!! LET'S RUN IN A CIRCLE IN THE WATER AND MAKE A LITTLE WHIRLPOOL FOR THE KIDS!!!"

Let's not and say we did. 

I miss beer.