First off, let me say that this weekend I came to the startling realization that I am pregnant.  You would think that the fact that I can't get out of my own way, I have raging heartburn and I have Alien Nation trying to escape by way of my belly button that this would not be news to me.  But it was. 

K:  Babe, I don't want to alarm you, but I think I am pregnant.
D:  Baby, not only are you pregnant, and I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you are REALLY pregnant. 

I guess the insinuation being that you can't be a little pregnant, like there can't be a little nuclear war. 

It's actually convenient that I made it this long without true comprehension of this knowledge.  I have the attention span of a flea, so I can't even imagine what I would do if I had to focus on this for like 40 whole weeks.  I'm thinking 6 weeks will be the death of me.

One of the reasons that I realized this weekend that I am pregnant is because my husband has suspended my driving privileges.  Not really suspended, but it's kind of like I have my learner's permit.  Except I cannot, under any circumstances, drive with another adult.  I can only drive during the day for very short distances.  This is because on Saturday I nearly killed all of us and several unsuspecting other car drivers/occupants.

Jen:  What happened?
K:  I don't know. I just can't drive.
Jen:  You mean you can't pay attention?
K:  Oh, I pay attention.  I look both ways three times and then I pull out and suddenly there is a car full of old people and you can hear their screams, even through closed windows, and then you hear my husband's scream and he actually reached for the steering wheel to try to save us all from imminent death.
Jen:  When I was pregnant I used to have to pull over so people could have an opportunity to berate me about how awful I was driving. 
K:  Yeah, I just speed away.  I don't want to see the heart attacks happening. 

Luckily my inability to function, think or operate a motor vehicle properly has corresponded nicely with my son's inability to sit still FOR EVEN ONE SECOND.  In retaliation, I went out today and enrolled him in swimming classes and something called "wiggles and giggles" classes.  Derek thinks he has a sure shot at valedictorian of the wiggles and giggles class as he cannot go 7 seconds without doing either one or an elaborate combination of both.  We'll see.  Personally I think it's brilliant that with 6 weeks left to go of pregnancy, I stacked my son's calendar so high that I will never be able to stop EVEN FOR ONE SECOND. 

I then did something that is going to make you want to poke your eyes out with a lead pencil (is there even lead in pencils anymore?).  I went to the juniors section of Target and bought myself a bathing suit. 

SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, WHAT WAS I THINKING?

About driving.

For the traumatized in the group, you'll be happy to know I put the string bikini back on the rack and pulled down a nice tankini that only leaves 2 inches of my belly showing.  Or so my husband says.  Cause Lord knows I haven't seen that part of my belly in months.  Which should have been another indication that I was pregnant. 

What can I say?  I'm a quick one.  Can't wait for that swimming class on Wednesday.