We got our first bill for Derek's operation.  It's not really a bill as Blue Cross is going to pay it.  Either that or we will be moving sooner than we think.  Of course all of the bills say "Derek" and since Blue Cross doesn't even know Derek by the name "Derek" we may really be moving sooner than we think.

Since my father-in-law just published a scathing article on billing procedures in hospitals resulting in the entire surgical community calling for his head on a platter or just a public burning at the stake (which made him downright gleeful), I thought I would conduct an analysis of the billing for Derek's surgery and share it with all three of you that read this blog.  Props to Grandpa for also anonymously quoting me when he referenced the "bloated bureaucracy" that was my former employer.  I'm sure no one in HR could have figured out that the comment came from me.  Luckily they already "let me go" so they didn't have to do it again.  Since 64,000 hits came up for "bloated bureaucracy" maybe I am still safe. 

Laboratory--$461.50

This seems a little low since they did 6 million tests on Derek before the operation.  But I am only saying that because I just got the insurance paperwork from my last maternity bloodwork and the lab was submitting charges for $900.  What the hell are they checking for in my blood--DNA to prove that the baby I am carrying is mine?  Good gracious.

Note:  Just got another bill in the mail from the hospital for "Other Diagnostic Svc" to the tune of $1,129.00.  I guess that sounds more like it--the price of having a tube shoved up your nose, down your throat and into your stomach should cost you more than just pain. 

Pharmacy--$565.56

This definitely seems high (narcotics pun intended).  My husband was arguing for half dosages of everything.  He would take half a vitamin if they didn't taste so nasty when you break them in half.  This is some sort of mental block that he has.  He takes great pride (read "self-righteousness) in the fact that he takes 1/2 a Tums, 1/2 a Tylenol, 1/2 an aspirin.  Shock of all shockers, these things don't work at all in half dosages (i.e. a total waste).  I guess he makes up for it with the 2 beers, 2 glasses of wine, 2 gin and tonics.

Additionally, according to my BIL who got out of knee surgery 2 months ago and was too big a pansy to take his Percocet, those bad boys go for a whopping $5 a pill on the mean streets of the city.  Which means that my BIL can buy his kids a Playstation 2 for Christmas should he choose (see Supplies below).  Derek, however, has liquid Oxycodone.  About 10 gallons of it.  The low budget/less addictive half-brother to  OxyContin (or Oxy Cotton to all you junkies), I fear it may just find its home down my brand new drain.  While looping you up nicely, it does have that nasty side effect of stopping you up for a week (so I'm told since I am pregnant and cannot help myself to any of the goods).  Kind of takes the attractiveness out of it. 

Room Charges--$1082.00

That's right, kids.  That prison-sized room with the bucolic view of the parking lot and the alley with the bed that was 2 inches too short and had plastic pillows?  Cost over a grand for an 18 hour stay.  I mean, there wasn't really even room for the both of us in that bed.  You can't even imagine how difficult it was to push my post-operative husband over in bed up against the railing so I could climb in beside him.  I had to put the railing up on my side too so we could fit.  When you envision "fit," feel free to do so in the loosest sense of the word.  Where did they expect me to sit? In that folding chair in the corner designed to make visitors go the hell home?  I think not.  As a comparison, I queried the five star Ritz Carlton in New York to find what we could have gotten for the same amount (although I imagine Blue Cross would have baulked at footing the bill).

Harbor View Suite--$1,000.00--Executive Harbor view Suite* seperate (sic) living room has a city view and king size bedroom has a spectacular harbor view.  (I'm disturbed that the Ritz misspelled "separate."  Anyone else bothered by it???)I'm thinking Dr. John could have set up his OR in the living room and we could have enjoyed the view of the City while he had at it. 

Quality Room--$399.00--Weekend Rate * Deluxe city view * (1 King or 2 Double beds) * City view overlooking downtown New York City *  A king size bed in the hospital room would have required either knocking out the wall or the windows on the opposite side of the wall.  So we could have had a 2 nights stay (with taxes) and 2 martinis a piece at the Rise Bar (4 X $22) at the Ritz for the cost of the hospital room for one night.  Hmmmm.

Supplies--$3,722.95

Now this is an interesting one.  Dr. John used a surgical tool that looked disturbingly like it may have been run by a Playstation 2 controller.  Having just been to the Sony store this weekend (nothing wrong with a little window shopping), I discovered that due to Playstation 3, you can now pick up a brand new Playstation 2 for $129.00.  What a bargain.  So even if Dr. John picked his up in the heyday, let's all keep depreciation in mind here, people.  Dr. John also used 4 Teflon patches to shore up the stitching, twine for the 4 internal stitches and glued all Derek's holes up.  I'm guessing you could pick up some twine at the Dollar Tree and what is Super Glue going for these days?  Two, maybe three bucks?  That leaves roughly $900 per 1 inch square of Teflon patch.  Who is buying these things?  The Pentagon supply clerk?

OR Services--$11,040.00

Don't tell the OR nurses because I'm sure they would be pissed to realize their billable hour rate is so high when their paychecks are so crappy.  If this charge also includes the anesthesiologists then it makes a little more sense.  The head anesthesiologist said that his resident was the best surgical intern in the hospital before she "came over to the dark side."  I'm thinking that if an anesthesiologist thinks that the loot is better there rather than in surgery, then their pay isn't too shoddy.

Maybe they were charging per gall stone.  Or the forehead lift, I mean, basel cell removal on the forehead.  Only my husband can go into necessary surgery and come out with no wrinkles on his forehead.  I hate him.

But where are the doctor's bills, you ask?  There was a note in 72-font on the bottom of the bill:

Please NOTE:  The Medical Group will bill you separately on behalf of your physicians.

Since there were about as many surgeons in Derek's OR as there are in Joe's Bar across from Seattle Grace on a Friday night after a long day of particularly bad behavior, your guess about the grand total of that is as good as mine.