My sister is coming over to babysit, but I wouldn't put it past her to pack a little black dress into her bag just in case Derek continues to, say, open his mouth before we leave at 8:00 p.m tonight.
I find that my husband gets a little sassy after he has gotten some. Kind of like now he doesn't have to be on his good behavior for at least another 12 hours (who is he kidding--24 hours). Like this morning, for instance.
D: Is there a plan for the ham soup?
Oh there's a plan. The "I'm-going-to-dump-the-entire-pot-on-your-head" kind of plan. The ham soup that he told me he wanted yesterday afternoon. The ham soup that takes at least 24 hours to make because you simmer the bones for 12 hours overnight just to make the stock. Overnight. Do the math. That leaves you with a minimum of 12 more hours before it is complete. Did I mention that I also made enough chili to feed a high school wrestling team because he said he might want chili? Realizing the error of his ways, he offered the olive branch that only a man can offer.
D: Come on, I want a hug from my big wife.
I feel like I should end this post right now because you kind folks shouldn't be subjected to the violence that may have erupted. You'll be left wondering...did Derek make it through the day with all 10 toes? Were all of his belongings tossed into the laundry sink and doused with gasoline before she let a match drop? Can a man this incredibly brilliant be this incredibly stupid? Are all those times him mother dropped him on his head as an infant to blame for his behavior now?
Yes, no, yes, YES.
We are going to the only 5 star restaurant in a 4 state radius tonight and he called me "big." Big. Big. BIG. As heard through the ears of a pregnant woman who must pour herself into the saddest/sassiest $19.99 "little" black dress Motherhood Maternity had to offer tonight--"fat-ass-big-as-a-barn-maybe-you-should-step-away-from-the-Reese's-Peanut-Butter-Cups-who-needs-a-pie-when-you-have-a-pie-face-like-mine" big.
I'm having a
jitterbug martini tonight. I saw the ultrasound picture. My 6 months of tetotalling has paid off. The kid only has 2 eyeballs. I mean, there are people that drink like fish (and I'm not mentioning any names) and give birth to perfectly healthy babies. What's one little drink? Unless maybe it leads to mainlining tequila and zoloft to get me through the next 3 1/2 months. OK, I'll wait for my martini. Damn it.
Before I hung up with my mother tonight, she told me to have a good time but that I shouldn't steal a handtowel from the bathroom. This would be referencing THE LAST TIME I went to this restaurant with my in-laws. I noticed my mother-in-law admiring the hand towels in the fancy, shmancy 5 star bathroom but I thought little of it. In my defense, I had only been married to her son for a year and why would you have to wonder about anything such as a hand towel that comes up in general ladies room conversation?
When I awakened the next morning after driving home the "let's each have a bottle of wine" crowd, in the light of day, I turned around in my bathroom to find a hand towel from the bathroom of the 5 star restaurant swinging on my towel rack.
K: OMG, DEREK, did you see this?
FIL: What is it? (
as he graciously made his BIG DIL a lovely frattata)
K: Your wife stole the hand towel from the restaurant bathroom.
D: Mom, did you steal the towel from the restaurant bathroom?
MIL: I noticed you didn't have a hand towel in the bathroom yesterday and those towels were so nice.
K: You can't steal the hand towel from the restaurant bathroom.
MIL: I didn't "steal" it. I just took it because you needed one.
I needed to do laundry. I didn't need to have a hand towel stolen for me. In my entire life, I have not stolen ONE THING. I was forced to hide the hand towel in her luggage before she left because the thought of possessing stolen property made me have contractions. Derek was mad because he wanted to have it embroidered with "Stolen by Jane from the Inn, 2004" and then hung in her bathroom before a dinner party.
If you all are really nice, I'll post a picture of my "big" self in my little black dress tonight. I won't be wearing pantyhose because I can't afford them. And I'm cheap. We are only able to go to have the most amazing food in the world tonight because our very generous friends Jennifer and Greg gave us a gift certificate last year for taking some pictures at their wedding. OK, so it took us a year to go on a date. Actually I don't think we have been on a date since 2004. OMG, I think our last date was "The Incident at the Inn, 2004." At least we don't have Greasy Fingers with us this time.
