I really have to step. away. from. the. Oreos.  Do you know why, people? (she points her finger accusingly).  Because despite what Madison Avenue tells you, Oreos will not make you happier.  Oh, you may have the rush of the O-R-E-O jingle in your head as you dunk that chocolate-esc product into your fat free organic milk that you bought to accompany said Oreo's.  You know, to offset the laundry list of preservatives in the cookies.  Oh, like sin, it will feel good for a while.  But then the guilt will set in.

Because you know you are doing something very, very wrong.  You find yourself hiding in the kitchen (with the lights out) after latching all the childproof doors for fear that you will have to, God forbid, SHARE them with anyone.  Cause you can't share them with your husband, who doesn't like them and just eats one to piss you off, and you can't share them with your son, who treats all food with the fervor of a religious zealot.  What a waste.  Give that kid a grape and he's ecstatic.  If I gave him an Oreo, he would want to dunk it in MY MILK and then drink my milk.  Ewww.  The Backwash Monster.

Ditto Safeway cupcakes, Cape Cod salt and vinegar chips, onion dip. 

I just keep thinking of my vegetarian friend who only gained 14 pounds during pregnancy and had an 8 pound baby.  You do the math.  That means she was 10 pounds lighter AFTER she gave birth than before she was pregnant.  My husband watched with distain as she took her vitamins 4 times a day and I still refused to unclamp my teeth so he could shove a one-a-day down my throat.

D:  Do you want the baby to be stupid?

Did Albert Einstein's mother take her vitamins every day?  Madame Curie's mother?  Thomas Jefferson's?  huh, huh?

No, they did not.  Because those damn vitamins would have kept them vomiting for the better part of the day. 

"I never believed in aliens until I got pregnant."  That's gonna be the new shirt over at Baby Brewing, along with "Not just letting myself go" and "I miss beer."  Now where did I hide those Oreos.