The world has a new pope.

B and I had a running joke that Pope John Paul II (or JP2, as the college students in St. Peter's Square apparently like to call him) actually died about 8 years ago and that he was "Weekend at Bernies." If you looked really close you might even see the strings helping to move his arms. I personally blame this on the Vatican, because they forced him to speak at the window all those years and his lips never moved once.

My theory was dashed however when an old friend, personal photographer to this man, told me that he actually shook the pope's hand last year at a state visit. And got a Pope Medal, whatever that is. I told him it was lost on a boy raised by two jewish parents.

I called B a few weeks ago to discuss the obvious consequences of the pope's illness (i.e. he was gonna die, assuming he hasn't been dead since the mid-90's) and asked her how she was feeling about the end of the world approaching, what with the pope knowing the whole Miracle of Fatima prophecy and all (http://paranormal.about.com/library/weekly/aa070300b.htm) and B's insistence for our entire friendship that the world would end when JP2 died. B explained then that if the pope actually TOLD someone else, whatever that means, that the world wouldn't end.

So I got to thinking about this. What if the pope gave a little insider trading information to his confidant Joseph Ratzinger. Think about it. You in the conclave, sitting on the stone stairs, staring up at the Last Supper, thinking maybe your last supper might be soon, what with the world ending and all.

In walks Cardinal Ratzinger. "Guess what I know that you don't know?"

I don't think there is any mystery as to the speed with which the cardinals sent the white smoke up the chimney ("Is it white? No, I think it's gray. No, it's WHITE). Consider it a gift to mankind.