Mommy Needs a Cocktail

www.babybrewing.com
all the cool maternity tees

Just sitting in this spot of the Internet until I can figure out how to move all this stuff
This blog is only still here because I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MOVE THE STUFF TO THE NEW ONE!  I'm not trying to torture you with the boring-ness of Kristen having YET ANOTHER BLOG.  You people who are impatient with change (you know who you are--TARA), I promise this is the last move ever.  Really.  I have big plans for the other spot that cannot be fulfilled here.

Now go to www.mommyneedsacocktail.com.  Go on.  all this stuff will follow.  I promise.  ...
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Posted by Kristen at 7/17/2007 1:44 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Due to circumstances beyond my intelligence, I am now somehow sporting two blogs
If you are ending up over here, this is all old news.

Head over to www.mommyneedsacocktail.com.

I know that's what you thought you typed in.  Don't ask.  Just go.  Now. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 7/16/2007 7:40 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
I feel like we should have a "guess the number of revolutions" contest
Babysitter:  You know, I clocked the mileage yesterday down to the fence and back to the house.
K:  How far?
Babysitter:  ONE POINT ONE MILES!!!!!
K:  On a tricycle.
Babysitter:  (still shocked) He rode ONE POINT ONE MILES.
K:  On a tricycle.  And then we found out he had a 101.2 fever. 
Babysitter:  That was terrible.
K:  And that was the second time he did it this week.
Babysitter: And he wants to do it again.
K:  It's not like it's a flat road.  There are hills, for heaven's sake.  So how many revolutions do you think that is?  It must be the equivalent to thousands and thousands.  ...
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Posted by Kristen at 7/6/2007 11:28 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
If you called me earlier and Walter Cronkite answered the phone, you should probably call me back

E:  Mama, I talk on the phone to you.
K:  Eat, I was downstairs making shirts.  You were talking to me on the phone?
E:  MAMA, I TALK TO YOU ON THE PHONE.
D:  He was talking to somebody.
K:  (incredulous that it clearly never crossed his mind to, I don't know, SEE WHO THE BOY WAS TALKING TO ON THE PHONE) Did you check to see who he was talking to?
D:  Nah, by the time I got to him, he had moved on and was checking our voicemail messages.
K:  So you think he was talking to someone but you don't know who it ...

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Posted by Kristen at 7/5/2007 10:03 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
I can understand how one would be confused about celebrating a birthday without cupcakes
E:  Mama, today it's flag's birthday.

Uh, technically speaking, that was June 14th.

K:  You told him it was the flag's birthday?
D:  Yeah.
K:  What happened to revolutions, taxation and excessive governmental interference?  And I'm not talking about the sitting Congress.
D:  I tried, but he wasn't following it very well.
E:  Mom, I can't wait birt'day hats.  I want birt'day hats for flag's birthday, Mama.
K:  Eat, we don't have birthday hats for the flag's birthday.
E:  Mama, I eat birt'day cake for flag's birt'day.

K:  The kid told us which direction to turn to get home from the ice cream store last night.  Don't you remember ...
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Posted by Kristen at 7/4/2007 10:48 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
I hope he never gets wind that I found out he's right
I used to ride my FIL's ass because he drank so much coffee.  You know those doctors.  Anything less than 7 cups is for the sissies.  Everytime I would see him, he would drag out some silly study published in the New England Journal of Medicine about how coffee is going to cure cancer or make you look 30 years younger.  The last time he came to my house, he pulled out a crumpled article (with coffee stains) about the great antioxident qualities in coffee.

Blah, blah, blah.

Until I embraced my very own pot of coffee at his house last weekend.

FIL:  ...
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Posted by Kristen at 7/3/2007 9:59 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
If only the coffee kept me awake too
K:  OMG, The Baby was up from 10 am to 10 pm yesterday.  The kid won't sleep.
Jen:  Maybe it's the coffee.
K:  Huh?
Jen:  Maybe you need to just step away from the coffee.
K:  You think that's it?
Jen:  Uh, YEAH.
K:  So you are saying the pot of coffee I'm drinking every day to keep me awake so I can keep The Boy from burning down the house is keeping The Baby awake?
Jen:  You are drinking A POT OF COFFEE A DAY?
K:  Actually, yesterday I drank a pot and then 3 cups at the diner so I guess that would be 7 cups ...
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Posted by Kristen at 7/2/2007 10:48 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
If you have the opportunity, I would highly recommend flying across the country with an infant and a toddler
To spice it up a little, throw in three middle seats not even near each other, two family members with congestion, the woman three rows up with TB, and a husband who thinks that since he paid $670 for his seat, he should be able to watch "Breach" unmolested for 2 hours.  On a plane.  Because it's free and all.

Two hours. 

Then rent a minivan with California plates.  In Oregon.  You can ask the nice lady at Alamo if you are going to get beat up for having a minivan with California plates and she will assure you that you will be ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/28/2007 10:48 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
So you are saying we should get a StairMaster

D:  Can you see him?
K:  Sort of.  I can see his feet.  Uh, now I can only see his shadow.
D:  Can you see him now?
K:  Nope, but I can see the door and that's his only way out.
D:  Are you sure he is still there?
K:  I can hear him banging around on the other side of the gumball machines.

Suddenly the nice young man busing tables across the room made a motion to us with his hand.

K:  You should definitely go get him.  That guy is pointing.  Maybe he left.
D:  You think?

As my husband climbed out of the booth ...

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Posted by Kristen at 6/20/2007 2:31 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Update: Potty Training, aka Signs that The Boy May One Day Enter a Nudist Colony

As seen on dictionary.com

training--v.   tr.

  1. To coach in or accustom to a mode of behavior or performance.
  2. To make proficient with specialized instruction and practice. See Synonyms at teach.
  3. To prepare physically, as with a regimen: train athletes for track-and-field competition.
  4. To cause (a plant or one's hair) to take a desired course or shape, as by manipulating.
  5. To focus on or aim at (a goal, mark, or target); direct. See Synonyms at aim.
  6. To let drag behind; trail.  

As, is the ...

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Posted by Kristen at 6/19/2007 10:57 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Cause I am always looking for a freebie
check my pictures out here.  They are giving away a trip to Blogher and the more popular you are, the better your chances...  ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/14/2007 3:49 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
It looks like I may turn into one of those annoying Weight Watchers people that is constantly informing everyone exactly how many points are in that margarita
Here we have it, people.  You are witnessing Day #2 of "the-first-diet-Kristen-has-ever-done."  Except for that pesky 6 year stretch of anorexia in high school and college, but who really considers starvation as a diet? 

I'll spare you the weight loss ticker but I'll let you know that I have 23 pounds to lose.  17 pounds until my "damn-you-look-fine" weight. 23 pounds to my fighting weight.  23 pounds until my "you'd-better-watch-your-husband-cause-he's-gonna-be-CHECKIN'-ME-OUT" weight.  .  
 
My inspiration is a number of things.  The pictures of my fat ass being plastered over the Internet after Blogher Business, for one.  You people who propogated that cruelty, ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/14/2007 12:07 PM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
How small is the Internet and would you know this writer if you met her on the street??
The internet is SO SMALL that your by-far favorite Match.com boyfriend with whom you have not conversed in, oh, I don't know, 5 years, finds you by googling "half-assed parenting."  And despite your clever concealment of your identity and relying on the fact that your life is such a mere shell of what it used to be, said by-favorite Match.com boyfriend comments on your blog that he knew it was you. 

Oh, Internet, it is clear that I am the person in this blog. 


Hi, tvtown.  Congrats on the impending arrival of your baby!  Stay tuned for more tips on half-assed parenting. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/8/2007 11:35 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
This is the post you just blow off if you really don't want to read about the "Adventures in Potty Training"
I bring this up because today shall hereby be referred to as "The Day The Boy Finally Decided to Use the Bathroom in Lieu of Stinking Up the Whole Damn House."  He didn't really decide to do it on his own.  I am just holding his diapers hostage.

And boy is he pissed off.

E:  I wanna wear my DIAPER.
K:  Uh, no.
E:  DIIIIIIIIIII-A-per.
K:  Let me think...... uh, no.

I can't do it anymore.  If, when I am discussing with your father whether or not we should go get i-c-e-c-r-e-a-m and you say, "I go eye cream, Mama," I think it's safe to say ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/7/2007 9:35 AM | View Comments (6) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
But when you mix it with the organic lowfat milk, can you really taste a difference?
I'm sitting at my breakfast table/dining room table/didn't someone buy this for a desk-table, drinking a White Russian.  I have just gotten off the phone with my 2 year old son who was singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the 7th inning stretch.  Feel free to look at the time stamp again...  He was cracked out on peanuts, popcorn, cotton candy, cracker jacks, hot dogs and soda.  I fear he may need blood replacement therapy to totally detox. 

Back to the White Russian.  As I sit here sipping my white russian (which, if I may say, is so ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/5/2007 9:59 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
other than having no key to the door, no internet access, no phone, nearly non-existent cell service, black gunk coming out of the jets in the bathtub and no hot water

it's a lovely house.

Funny thing about foreclosure houses, the owners can kinda see it coming (what with not paying the bills and all)so they do crazy things like eat dinner directly off the carpet.  Electric blue carpet.  it's hot in an '80's kinda way.

After 5 hours on the cell phone over the last week, i have come to the realization that Com-effing-castic was the way to go.  Verizon has made me do crazy things like throw a wet diaper at my son and stick my entire head in a sink full of cold water in order to keep myself from ...

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Posted by Kristen at 5/30/2007 6:50 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
If you are going to try to Top Secretly pee in the shower when someone else is in the bathroom, it's best to have passed on the asparagus at dinner
Enough said.

Back to packing... ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/22/2007 10:15 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
In case you were wondering about the progress of our Less Spirited Child
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Posted by Kristen at 5/21/2007 9:55 AM | View Comments (5) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
We aren't exactly sure what made him open his mouth for the picture
The picture is for you, Britt.  I knew you would be dying to know how they looked. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/21/2007 9:11 AM | View Comments (6) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Despite cracking the screen of my brand new laptop, spending 3 hours in the ER getting The Boy 4 stitches and Derek drinking Lemon-Lime vinegar in the midst of trying to pack an entire house...
I'd have to say it was a pretty uneventful weekend.  How was yours? ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/20/2007 8:39 PM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Please send sugar packets
It will be refreshing for all of you to hear that my whining is getting on my last nerve too.  I'm officially on sabbatical from whining and complaining.

Septic tank has to be dug up and the bank won't even let us do it before closing to make sure that someone else's crap isn't backing up on us the first time we flush?  Who cares?  Multiple hornet's nests in the attic when husband was at the home inspection?  It's not like he got stung and died.  Ancient heat pumps that don't function?  It's summer, for heaven's sake.  The lawn was mowed ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/18/2007 8:35 AM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
At least it wasn't a sip of stout at the Anchor Brewing Company tour
I'm a food nazi when it comes to my babies.  When Ethan was born, I put it right out into the universe that he was going to survive on boo until he turned 6 months old.  It was actually a form of torture for my in-laws.  My FIL bemoaned that fact that I wouldn't let The Boy suck on a chicken wing when he was 5 months old.  This, of course, was before my SIL gave The Boy his first unwashed carrot at the supermarket (not to be confused with the pizza crust the next night and a sip of ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/15/2007 10:03 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
If you were hoping for a little levity, go elsewhere today
This morning was the home inspection at Baby Boom.  Luckily for me, it's not difficult to wake up at 5:30 a.m. when you have been up since, I don't know, around 2:30 a.m.  We were all up and running in no time.

To a locked house.  That's right.  After our 45 minute drive, we (along with our real estate agent and the home inspector) discovered that the lock box has time constraints.  So despite the seller's agent knowing we were coming at 8 a.m., the house was locked up tighter than a bug in a rug.  Right before the home inspector ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/14/2007 5:14 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Who knew there were so many utilities to order
First off, to The Boy, who decided today to rip off his diaper in a motion that could have been confused as a Chippendale's move (not that I would know personally, of course), I could have done without the CRAP ON THE FLOOR.  Sure the timeout/spanking/screaming may have been excessive punishment but did you really think that ripping off a poop-filled diaper and flinging it at your brother in his swing was going to get any less a reaction from me?  Really?  'Cause as the nuggets flew through the air and onto the carpet (the only carpet in the WHOLE ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/10/2007 5:35 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
"Diaper Man, Diaper Man. Does everything a Diaper can"
Everyone knows how I feel about potty training. It's not like I'm against it. It's just that I don't like to be told that NOW IS THE TIME and WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU and IF YOU DON'T DO IT NOW HE'LL BE CRAPPING HIS PANTS IN HIGH SCHOOL. He is 27 months, for heaven's sake. The problem is, he is well on his way to potty training himself. I say, "Hey, have at it." Pampers decided that it would assist in the potty training process by coming up with this little gem.
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Posted by Kristen at 5/9/2007 5:00 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
"We got it! Oh, oh, We GOT IT!"
This collossal Baby Boom is the new Chateau Cookie.

I'm off to IKEA to buy curtains for 700 windows.  Wish me luck! ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/8/2007 6:18 PM | View Comments (12) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
What we have here, People, is a failure to negotiate.
Yeah, motherhood has made me soft.  It is clearly evident on my lack of negotiation skills in my real estate endeavors.  In the old days, I would have put all my money on the number 8.  I would have then rolled an 8 six times, taken nearly all my money off the table and then thrown a 7 and crapped out.  These days I feel like I'm throwing a 7--every single day.  Every day is one day closer to sleeping with my husband and two kids on a queen size mattress on the floor of my ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/8/2007 7:43 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
It's just that the flaky scalp was getting on my nerves
I'm going to ignore the fact that in 17 days I will be homeless and that the bank that owns the McMansion that we are trying to buy came back after 3 days with a counter offer of 75 cents less than the list price and their real estate agent asked for more time to talk some sense into them (which was last Thursday) and still there is no word.   Let's move on to why we are all really here--to  read about my poor parenting skills.

K:  Are you taking a shower soon?
D:  Yeah, why?
K:  Can you take the baby in ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/7/2007 12:32 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Remind me to hide my purse
'elp me, 'elp me, 'EEELLLLPPPP MEEEEEEE, MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAA!

I looked over to see The Boy trying to pry open the doors to a little silver car.

K:  Ethan, nothing opens up on that car.  It's a Matchbox.  The doors don't open, the hood doesn't come up.  Nothing.
E:  I just need the keys, Mama.

And I venture he would add "a keyless remote" if given enough time...
...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/5/2007 9:40 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
I got nothin'
So I'm sitting on my couch trying to decide how exactly to spend my 1 hour and 55 minutes without the Tornado when The Baby starts to cry.

Before I can stop myself, I reached for the remote control and pushed fast forward.

No lie. 
...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/4/2007 1:47 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Fwd: Big Ass Job With Your Name On It
Note to self:

If you are trying to help a friend out by forwarding on her resume, make sure that in addition to cleaning up all your conversations, you CHANGE THE INAPPROPRIATE SUBJECT LINE.

You wouldn't want the recruiter to get his hopes up that maybe HE was getting a better job than the one he is sporting now. 
...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/3/2007 7:33 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Desperate times call for desperate measures
"Mrs. Derek, I installed the new electrical panel box and now that I have completed that work which will cost you $1300, I have found that the OLD WIRING in the kitchen trips the ground every time so if you want GFCI circuits installed, I will have to rewire the kitchen AND the dining room.  The dining room too because it's on the same circuit."

That will only cost $600.  I think.

Did I mention that our offer on the house was summarily rejected?  Not even a "no, thanks."

The Boy watched the Blueberry episode of Dora and for hours was saying "I ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/2/2007 8:12 AM | View Comments (6) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
The race is on
My husband is a pack rat.  If you know him, you are laughing right now, thinking, "pack rat is putting it nicely."  For heaven's sake, the man would have his gall stones in a jar on a shelf in the basement if Dr. John had given them to him. 

He is incapable of throwing anything out.

When my sister helped me organize the house about 3 years ago, she commented that she came across a picture of him with his first wife and his sister and her first husband. 

"Do you want to see it?"

I'll pass.  OK, maybe I peeked.  I ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/1/2007 6:26 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
1 down, 1 to go
Derek was outside mowing the lawn when we got the call that Hottie Batottie did in fact sign the paper to remove the contingency and to put the "Window Horror" into our hands for immediate attention and corrective measures prior to closing.

I must say that going from $4000 of required repairs to $2000 of repairs was quite a relief.  And Derek determined that we only have to borrow Cath's lawn mower ONE MORE TIME before a May 24'th closing.  I'm thinking we may have 2 more mows in our future. 

We celebrated by drinking homemade margaritas and when The Boy ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/30/2007 7:22 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Can we just pretend this is page A14 of the Times and the font is so small you can barely read it?
This is the post where I am forced to retract all the evil things I said about my buyer.  Apparently he just feared for his life with the windows in our house and he was led to believe that they would need to be replaced.  OF COURSE he isn't trying to milk us for 2 grand and he just is safety-conscious and wants the windows fixed.

As soon as the contract is signed (supposedly tomorrow), I will rest easier.  Now I am just milking an ulcer waiting to see if our incredibly low offer on a McMansion is accepted.  Before ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/28/2007 7:13 AM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Because I just can't say enough great things about Bath and Body Works products
I know I was a fantastic plug for the Cinnamon Vanilla Bacon, I mean Cinnamon Vanilla Home Fragrance Spray just three weeks ago when I attempted to cover the smell of bacon in my house.  But I must say that I have found a new Bath and Body Works product that exceeds even that one. 

After lying in bed with 2 hours of insomnia thinking about how I are going to deal with these crazy people that are either trying to get out of their contract OR are just trying to be sure that my son ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/27/2007 5:37 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Expect the best, proceed with caution
That was Jen's brilliant idea. Just because the hottie batottie's real estate agent said I was messy and that I would never sell my house unless I cleaned up and then I did all this work on the house that his client never saw before he put in the contract for $37,000 under list, Jen said that maybe when it came to the home inspection, someone would suddenly develop a soul. HA! In keeping with my real estate experiences
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Posted by Kristen at 4/26/2007 8:02 PM | View Comments (10) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
This is why you should buy a Sony VAIO VGN-TXN17P

Because when your Sony VAIO comes, you may find yourself inexplicably telling the DHL delivery guy that you are so happy you could kiss him on the lips and when he stares at you in abject horror, you won't even care.

AND I'M BACK IN THE GAME!!!

 

...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/25/2007 9:43 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
In celebration of one very crappy contract on the house and Jen's newest acquisition...
Nothing like a little biking weather to make a sister go out and get a fancy-shmansy bike. 

...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/22/2007 8:06 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Just because it hit 70 degrees doesn't mean we are too good for an ol' redneck hot tub
First you need a little hot water, because who wants to get into a cold pool?

...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/20/2007 6:26 PM | View Comments (7) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Reeling from my win at www.notesfromthetrenches.com, I can only communicate in Haiku now
Rusty nails in paint.
Is this love that I'm feeling?
Day care looking good.

Soaking wet bedding.
But I just changed that diaper.
Never buy Target.

Live for tomorrow.
My new computer coming.
Back to my old life.


And what won me a "major award" over at www.notesfromthetrenches.com (thanks, Chris),

Taxes due today.
Should have kept better records.
I hope I like jail. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/19/2007 9:49 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
I keep thinking maybe he'll pop the question
K:  Do you think it's odd when, before seeing your house, and then after seeing your house, someone asks how soon you can move out?
D:  Yes, but what did you tell him?
K:  I told him that we could move out as soon as he needed us to.
D:  That's good.
K:  He said he'd call tomorrow.  I guess I shouldn't get excited because that's what the last 6 people said.  And how about Hottie Batottie?  He came to see the house 3 times in one week.  If I had been dating him, I would have been taking a shower EVERY SINGLE DAY, ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/13/2007 8:32 AM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Knock me over with a feather--Things I never even imagined could come out of my mouth.

If you poke me one more time with that screwdriver, you are going in time out.

Your brother's foot does not bend that way.

DON'T YOU DARE (click) lock me in the basement again.

I can't bribe you to pull weeds but you can't seem to leave the damn tomato plants alone.

You can't run down the street in a diaper in 50 degree weather. 

Stop putting your fingers in your brother's ear (or mouth, or nose, or eyes).

Get down from the top of that cabinet right now.

Why is there a gallon of milk ...

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Posted by Kristen at 4/12/2007 9:10 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Life at Chateau Cookie...in Haiku
Mostly naked boy,
Full of too much energy,
Diaper falling down.

Lanes ending merge left,
Three lanes closed during lunch rush,
Too hard for morons.

Crying baby boy,
Brother trying to burn down house,
Mom is certifiable.

Friend said Xanax saves,
Still screaming at crazy kids,
She should try drinking.

Forty-five degrees.
The news promised spring weather.
Why is it so cold?

Web host dropped Mommy's site.
For not paying 3 dollars.
Bastard big business.

Husband getting hot.
Got birth control prescription.
No baby worries.




...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/10/2007 6:05 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
The bacon seemed like a good idea at the time
When I woke up this morning, I asked my husband if he thought anyone would show up unannounced to see the house today.  Which means, should I get my lazy ass moving and clean up?  It's not like we were going to church this morning or anything.  At my church, they told us to either come to church on Saturday night or at 7:15 a.m. on Sunday morning so as to not clog up the parking lot.  I was worshipping at the Church of Ikea last night so that was out and I love God and all, but I'm thinking he'll ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/8/2007 8:04 PM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Sony Support: Why every single one of you should go out and buy a Sony Vaio


K:  But I don't KNOW how the "extensive water damage" got in my computer and I don't want to lie. 
Sony Tech:  Ma'am.  We aren't asking you to lie and we don't WANT you to lie.  If you don't know how it happened, we can file a claim about what may have happened.  Sometimes if you just walk though something again, you may be able to remember something you had forgotten.  Do you have any children?
K:  A 2 year old boy.  Can you hold on a second?  (Ethan, stop eating that styrofoam!)
S.T.:  Where do you keep your laptop normally?
K:  On ...

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Posted by Kristen at 4/7/2007 8:21 AM | View Comments (5) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
This is supposed to be my 'ode to Derek' post
but can I just take a moment to say that when Don from Sony support called to say there was extensive water damage to my laptop and that the underwriters need a REASON for the water damage, it felt disturbingly like the time I was on the phone with the cell phone insurance trying to get a new phone and they told me I had extensive water damage after that one miniscule snowflake landed on a contact.  Not to be confused with the time The Boy put my cell phone into the gin and tonic.  I fessed up to that ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/6/2007 9:10 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Apparently my ISP found out I was selling prescription drugs for "CHEEP PRYCES"
or maybe it was the Irish Lottery scheme I was running. But my husband reset the modem and I have a new random IP address that does NOT keep me out of my blog and every other important website in my life. I would like to say that 6 days without internet access has resulted in a sparkly clean house or only clean clothes but it is not so. We are 90% done with the repainting, rescreening, redooring of the porch though. The project that was supposed to take 2 days. huh. My husband came home from a work-related conference yesterday with 3 free packets of Starbucks coffee
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Posted by Kristen at 4/5/2007 8:50 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Father-in-laws say the darnedest things
"Hey, is there any way you can milk yourself tomorrow and give us a bottle so you guys can go out alone?"

Uh, sure??? ...
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Posted by Kristen at 3/30/2007 9:50 PM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
If there is a God in heaven, could he please help me?
My laptop died today. It was deathly ill yesterday, but it just gave up the ghost today. I feel as if there has been a death in the family. Not an immediate relative but some distant very elderly relative that lived a good life, was kind to animals and small children, and was a great contributor to society.

I spent hours and hours on chat with the Sony technicial "Kevin" last night, who refused to just give me the phone number to cash in on my extended warranty.  Not to be confused with when I was chatting with "Corey" about ...
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Posted by Kristen at 3/29/2007 7:06 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
If I had known you were coming, I would have baked you a cake
My real estate agent left me a message saying that when she talked to the agent who showed my house to one of his clients on Sunday, he mentioned that the house was "messy." Could I try and straighten up a little before I went out in the future? I'm torn. Should I be more pissed off by the "messy" reference or should I be more pissed off about the suggestion that I clean my room before I am allowed to go to the high school football game this weekend or to have my friend Marelle over to watch the Top Gun VHS just one more time? My mother will attest to the fact
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Posted by Kristen at 3/28/2007 8:06 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
I'm never gonna sell this house
sigh. I have always wanted to use the prevalent blog "sigh." It's so powerful. You can just see my defeated shoulders hunched over, can't you? But back to the show, kids. This house has been on the market for 8 months. I know the market is crap, but if I had known how crappy it was, I probably wouldn't have, I don't know, but EVERY SINGLE THING I OWN into 2 pods in order to make the house look miraculously spacious. This would be for all the people that neglect to add up the square footage of each room of the house to realize that I live in a shoebox. With a man who probably still has his drawings from preschool somewhere in a box. We filled up two pods full of our (read "his") crap and sent it on its way to a warehouse at the
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Posted by Kristen at 3/27/2007 8:38 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
I'm gonna go and retrieve my stomach from my shoes
I have on occasion been called a permissive parent. I mean, if The Boy wants to try something, why shouldn't he be able to try? Isn't that what life is all about? But I'm thinking we may have gone a little too far yesterday. It was his father's brilliant idea to take him canoeing. I mean, the man has been longing for this moment since he was 18. And that was more than half his life ago. All he ever wanted was to have a son to take canoeing. What the heck, why not? This is how they started out. Note the bike helmet. His father's idea, but it's purpose, I know not.
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Posted by Kristen at 3/26/2007 12:03 PM | View Comments (5) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Everything was OK until the 2nd Yahootini
. Emily was so kind to me at Blogher 2006 when I had a toddler running around acting like a lunatic. She confessed to us that she doesn't have a sister and so we made her an honorary one. I'm not sure whether she'll think that is a good thing when it is all said and done. WE LOVE YOU, EMILY!!!

Day 2 was just as great as Day 1 and I got an opportunity to talk to Jean of PBS Parents about the concept of blogs on their website. We are huge fans of ...
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Posted by Kristen at 3/24/2007 11:39 AM | View Comments (13) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Identity Crisis, circa Blogher Business '07


The new Jen Lemen.
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Posted by Kristen at 3/23/2007 5:32 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
A SAHM's spin on the UN's old "Food for Oil" program: the "Poop for Candy" initiative
I don't even like to use the phrase "potty training" as its mere mention causes certain people to then ask incessantly about the progress of any form of potty training. In fact, it will be the only phone conversation for at least 4 weeks and it may be implied repeatedly that the only reason The Boy is not, in fact, potty trained already is because his mother is lazy. It may even be implied that The Boy's Mother is "holding him back" from his true desire of being potty trained.

Whatever. When I caught him climbing onto the toilet ...
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Posted by Kristen at 3/21/2007 9:41 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Why do I get the distinct feeling that it is going to get worse WAY before it ever gets better?
Tonight, after a brief stop at Baskin-Robbins, where my husband asked if I really NEEDED that 2nd scoop of ice cream on my cone, we stopped in at the Talbot's Outlet for their 75% off everything sale.

I'm not really a Talbot's girl, or is it Talbot's gal?  But I am a 75% off everything kind of girl. And I just found out that I am going to Blogher Business thanks to Minti and I have absolutely nothing to wear. Unless you want to count my Lucky Jeans and . . . oh, that's it. Derek thought it ...
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Posted by Kristen at 3/20/2007 9:52 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Why I hate UPS
Let me tell you something. If you want to finish off a perfectly horrible week, quite possibly the worst week of your life (if you are feeling HIGHLY melodramatic), I would highly recommend going to the DMV to get your driver's license renewed.

I would suggest going to the DMV AFTER you have cried for 30 minutes because UPS lost the shirts you sent to Cathy of Canadia (sic intended), the 2 shirts that took you 2 WHOLE days to make, that you then spent $3 MORE than the entire order to ship, just so that Cathy could ...
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Posted by Kristen at 3/19/2007 5:13 PM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Because breastfeeding is just all the rage with the kids these days
Derek asked what I was attempting to do just 15 minutes before Amy and T. were supposed to show up for dinner.

K:  I'm trying to nurse the baby now so that T. doesn't have to look at my bare breasts all night.
D:  Well, everyone else in America has seen them. Why can't he?

I don't know. Because now I can practically tuck them into my pants?  Because T's from Maine?  Because the state from which they are hailing is just slightly less uptight than the mother of a 15 year old girl on prom ...
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Posted by Kristen at 3/16/2007 2:00 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Special thanks for all your kind words
Thank you to everyone who commented or sent me nice emails about how I am NOT the worst mother in America for handing my son a bottle of children's vitamins and forcing them down his throat until the bottle was half-empty. You all are too kind. I will respond to each one personally as soon as Fed Ex delivers the shackles for my son's ankles. Until then, I am spending my days sitting on top of him to keep him out of trouble...
...
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Posted by Kristen at 3/16/2007 1:17 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Four minutes
The approximate amount of time it took to take the childproof top of the bottle off and to down around 70 Flintstone vitamins.

Four hundred seventeen minutes...

The amount of time it took to go to call the pediatrician, poison control, drive to the ER, have a tube inserted down a throat, induce vomiting, ingest 340 ml of laxative which took 3 hours and 45 minutes to take affect and to be released.

To the ER doctor who looked at me with distain, thanks. I wasn't feeling awful enough.

To my newborn, who ...
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Posted by Kristen at 3/14/2007 7:55 PM | View Comments (6) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
They may hate children but they sure do love dogs
This afternoon we decided to take advantage of the spectacular weather by heading to Old Town to rub elbows with the "haves."  Actually we were just in the mood for fish and chips.

We brought the dog. Or shall I say Derek brought the dog. I told him that under no circumstances would I be responsible for the dog. So there I am at fish and chips placing a to go order because we have the DOG and now we have to eat outside, when I look out the window to see Derek conversing with a stunning blond ...
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Posted by Kristen at 3/11/2007 6:01 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Sometimes I just have to get a little political--Warning: Libertarian leanings sighted ahead...
Yesterday I went to the DMV. I know, what the hell was I thinking?  But when your state is responsible for randomly giving driver's licenses to terrorists, then they get all bad-ass and change the laws and now decent, self-respecting citizens are forced to GO TO THE DMV to get a license renewed. Ridiculous, I know.

I left The Boys with their dad because what reeks more of tuberculosis more than the DMV?  That and hepatitis-es. I don't know which ones, but until The Baby has his 17th booster shot to protect him, it's better to be safe ...
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Posted by Kristen at 3/7/2007 11:37 AM | View Comments (6) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
When I asked Renee how many more times she thought I would find him curled up beside his brother when he disappeared, she answered, "everytime?"

For more pictures of the rugrats, clink on the ethan and nathan link to the right...
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Posted by Kristen at 3/6/2007 11:17 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
And we were so worried that his brother would have a problem sharing
K:  You are gonna have to walk home from the train station today.

It was a cruel thing to do, since he went in late this morning after we took Nathan to the doctor's YET AGAIN. Between 3 well visits and 4 calls for illness (cold from his brother--check. thrush--check. not pooping for days and DAYS--check), we just absolutely positively HAD to go again. This time was for the smoker's cough he has developed at 2 1/2 weeks. I swear I checked all his pockets and not a pack of Marlboro's to be found. Maybe he already quit and ...
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Posted by Kristen at 3/2/2007 5:37 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
What you'll tolerate for 5 minutes peace
I have just discovered the world of "babysitting by television."  You people that have been doing it with your kids for years and telling me how great it is--you were so right. I couldn't get The Boy to pay attention to television for longer than 2 minutes (other than CSPAN) until a month ago. Now he yells "MOOOOORRRREEE   DOOOOOOORRRRRAAAAA" like a lunatic. All day long. When I tell him "no," he resorts to asking to watch the news.

I swear I am not lying.

"Eat-ney watch news, Mama."
"All the news is bad, buddy. No news for you ...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/28/2007 11:54 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
I can't wait til Junior is throwing up all over me....
I find it's the 4th hour of constant nursing in the middle of the night that gets me. The first three hours of constant nursing, no problem. I can practically sleep right through it. It's the fourth hour that cripples me. The fourth hour of "I-really-just-want-to-have-the-nipple-in-my-mouth-in-case-I-MAYBE-want-to-eat-but-I-probably-won't-but-don't-you-
dare-take-it-out-or-I'll-scream-bloody-murder."

Uncle Mike said that having your second isn't like doubling the work. According to him, it grows exponentially. I didn't want to tell Uncle Mike that 1 quared is 1.

So after my virtually sleepless night, I "woke up" at 5:45 a.m. to Derek putting The Boy in bed with ...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/26/2007 9:10 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
If given the opportunity, she'd be changing him more often than a 7 year old with 30 Barbies
K:  HEY!  What are you doing putting the "Sunday" onesie on him?  It's Friday night. You should put the Saturday onesie on him now.
Mom:  Who are you kidding?  I've seen how often you change this kid's clothes. He could be wearing this Sunday onesie on Monday still.
K:  Good point.
...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/24/2007 11:28 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Oh, you treat them different, whether you'd like to admit it or not.
Things you do with the Firstborn:

  1. Buy the Costco size Dreft Baby Detergent, use it for the recommended 12 months (and I mean TWELVE MONTHS, PEOPLE), only cheating once when you find that damn onesie underneath the bed after you washed every single eff-ing piece of baby clothing in the house.
  2. Leaving an establishment the second the baby started crying so that others would not bothered.
  3. Pull over on the highway IMMEDIATELY when baby starts to cry so that you can feed him. Heaven forbid he feel abandoned by you when you haven't been holding him for a whole ...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/22/2007 8:36 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Taken at 6:00 p.m.--And I wondered why these kids are up all night
His father doesn't even feel guilty.

...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/20/2007 7:08 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
If this is my only problem, then I've got no problems.
He treats breastfeeding as one treats a bottle of Montrachet 1978 that has been purchased in lieu of a home. He approaches it with trepidation that maybe, just maybe, if he turns his head away for one moment, it will be gone. He takes slow sips, savoring the full-bodied flavor. He knows in his heart of hearts that he can make that one drink last for hours.

It's the only time in a mother's life that she wishes her child breastfed with the enthusiasm that gives her faint glimpses of a future Daytona Beach Beer Funnel Grand ...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/18/2007 10:38 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Brusha... Brusha... Brusha
K:  You wanna go upstairs first and get ready for bed?  Or are you ready?
D:  No, I gotta brush.
K:  "Brusha, brusha, brusha, With the new Ipana."
D:  Where the HELL did that song come from?  What the hell is an Ipana?  Why do you insist on singing that song every time you ask our son to brush his teeth or when you brush your teeth?  Where did you learn it?
K:  I don't know. It's the song they sang when we were in school to get us to brush our teeth. Right before they would give us those ...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/16/2007 11:13 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Happy Birthday, My Favorite Big Boy


Ethan,

Today you turned two.  Good thing Marmie thought to teach you your new age a few months ago because I think your parents would probably have not thought about it until today.  When we asked you this morning how old you were, you yelled "TWO!!!" 

If anyone had told me two years ago today that this is how it would be, I would never have believed them.  You are so more amazing that I could ever have imagined.  You are fascinated with all things related to fire/danger so we have spent the last week putting candles in everything and letting you blow them out.  This morning it was your breakfast muffin.  Apparently they taught you how to sing "Happy Birthday" at school because it is all you have been singing.  We are really glad that we had your birthday party LAST Saturday because your brother came a little earlier than expected. 

You are the most fantastic big brother ever and would spend all day, every day kissing your "baby bru-dder" on the head if allowed.  You have been quite a surprise though.  For 2 years we have tiptoed around this house to make sure that you don't wake up from any small sound and now that your brother is home screaming in the middle of the night, you sleep right through it.  If only we had known.

Your dad broke down on the day your brother was born and bought you a two-wheeled bike with training wheels.  Normally a present for a 5 year old, he is determined that you one day find your true dream of becoming a dirt bike champion.  After watching you pedal backwards on your tricycle at 30 mph around corners, we think that maybe you have moved up the bike food chain.  You promptly got on the bike and started to complain because pedalling backwards makes you brake, not actually GO backwards.

While you look like a clone of your father, the general consensus of the people is that your mouth has been cloned from mine.  While a short time ago you were only saying a word here or there, you now find it impossible to remain silent for longer than 3 milliseconds at a time.  It exhausts your father but I find it charming.  And it's nice to now how the proof of your brilliance by merely opening your mouth.  Today your father had difficulty opening a box and you loudly directed him to "GET A KNIFE, DADDY." 

You love to paint and draw.  Even more, you love to snap crayons in half.  It drives me crazy.  Then you hound me to put all your favorite letters on the paper for you to try to copy.  E, O, A.  If I turn around, you'll hop down on the floor and try to color on the carpet.  I'm not sure why but I think it may be just to drive me crazy.  I mean, crayon doesn't even show up on carpet and yet still I freak out.

You used to be a pretty good eater but now you just ask to go to "Costco, Mommy, hot dog."  It's moments like this that I know I have truly failed in the food department.  Until you ask me for pasta.  Then I know I have done something right. 

Thanks to your Aunt Pache, you are obsessed with Dora.  I don't know what Dora is teaching you, but I am enjoying the 30 minutes to myself every morning now.  You still occasionally like to watch CSPAN with me, but it just isn't as frequent as it used to be.

You have a fantastic sense of humor and you know exactly when to pull it out.  Not long ago when we taught you your animal sounds, you figured out that if you answered that every animal made the "BAAA" sound that I would flip out.  So for 6 months you did it every single time I asked.  You couldn't even contain your laughter as you did it and I knew from the very beginning that I was being played.  Now you do the same thing with your colors and shapes.  You giggle, giggle, giggle like it is the funniest inside joke ever.  I have resorted to asking your preschool teachers what exactly you know because you are always laughing and giving me the wrong answer to everything I ask.  In that order.

You and your father are two peas in a pod.  Like clockwork on Monday morning after a very fun weekend, you hand me the cell phone to call your father.  When he answers the phone at work, you say, "No, Daddy, no work.  Home, Daddy, home."  I think it breaks your father's heart a little bit everytime you do it. 

You took swimming lessons and refused to do whatever the rest of the class was doing when instructed to do it.  The instructor begged you to blow bubbles but you looked at her like she was crazy.  You then came home and performed EVERY SINGLE EXERCISE in the bathtub correctly and blew bubbles for 45 whole minutes.  You are going to be the death of me. 

You are a pro in the kitchen and we have determined that you are just biding your time until you can get your own apartment and live on your own, eating cookies at your leisure.  If we don't get you the food you want fast enough, you just help yourself.  I could do without you trying to pour your own milk from the gallon container however. 

You are completely fascinated with taking pictures and then checking them out on the back of the camera.  Your father got clever and has now stipulated that you can't see the back of the camera unless you smile for the front of it.  So far it is working like a charm.  I'm very concerned that you will be a preschool child who demands a digital camera.  I would tell you to get a job to pay for one but I think you might take me up on the suggestion.

You are growing up so very fast and every day I realize that I love you even more than the day before and with more love than I ever thought was possible.  A week ago today you told me for the very first time that you loved me.  It was unsolicited and had you asked me for anything in that moment, I would have given it to you.  I can't wait to see what this year has in store for us and we are so very blessed to have you in our lives, Ethan Lewis.  You are my favorite boy in the whole world (but don't tell your brother).  I love you.

Your Favorite Mom



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Posted by Kristen at 2/15/2007 10:59 PM | View Comments (5) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
It's all about proper position, I have been told
D:  So how's the whole breastfeeding thing going? (spoken like a damn lactation consultant)
K:  Fine, I guess. I did have a weird dream last night.
D:  I'm listening.
K:  I was so, so tired because The Kid was keeping LA club hours last night and I had a dream that a squirrel was chewing my nipple off. I just kept thinking I wish he would finally get it off so I could stay asleep.
D:  That good, huh?
K:  Look (flashing boo). It's still on there. I must have been really tired.

...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/14/2007 6:55 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Not just another boring cereal blog
Sunday, February 11, 2007

7:30 a.m. Wake up
7:40 a.m. Shower
8:25 a.m. Eat cheesecake. Only a piece but want to eat half of cake.
9:00 a.m. Contraction.
9:12 a.m. Arrive at church for 9:00 a.m. service because God forbid we ever arrive on time.
10:45 a.m. Go to Target because now seems like a good time to get latch to install carseat. No latch.
11:14 a.m. Go to other Target. Larger, only same stuff with greater quantity. No latch. No bike for The Boy, which has now been added to list.
11:43 a.m. Lunch at Famous Dave's. Eat ...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/13/2007 11:03 AM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
When asked by the midwife where the dark curly hair came from, my sister casually remarked that he looked a lot like Mike, the UPS guy
Introducing Nathan Clark, ata 7:48 p.m., 2/11/2007, 8 lbs. 8 oz., 21 inches.

...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/12/2007 3:10 PM | View Comments (14) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Self-Portrait, Mid-contraction, just after realizing that my husband had snuck out of the house to go to Wal-Mart
38 weeks, 8 days, possibly in labor, all alone

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Posted by Kristen at 2/11/2007 4:44 PM | View Comments (5) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
We're calling it "The New-Fangled Potty Training Method"
Yesterday we were sitting in Barnes and Noble drinking our Starbucks when The Boy decided that he was going to revisit his aversion to coffee. Or would that be attempt to overcome his aversion to coffee?  College freshman buy into the mantra that beer is an acquired taste and The Boy will lick the top of a beer bottle until all hints of hops are a faint memory. What's a little coffee?  He refuses to be thwarted. I handed him my cup.

E:  EWWWW.
K:  Give it back.

His father wandered back from a trip to the lav. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/9/2007 1:32 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Solution-oriented? They would like to think so
This morning The Boy climbed up into our bed complaining of cold feet. Maybe it was because the thermostat was set on 50. Maybe it was because with two comforters, a blanket AND a flannel sheet, he still can't figure out out to, and this is going to sound so off the hook, pull the covers up.

Or maybe it was because his warm footie PJ's were missing the footies.

E:  Mommy, cold, cold.
K:  Ethan, where are the feet in your footie pajamas?
E:  No feet, Mommy.

His father was remarkably silent. I grabbed The Boy's ...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/8/2007 10:58 PM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
I just want to know WHEN I can eat a handful of chocolate covered raisins without getting heartburn
That's a rhetorical question, People. The first person that leaves the "when you give birth, you can have chocolate covered raisins" comment will find me unexpectedly at their front door, ready to beat them senseless with a blunt object. You too, Tara. Don't think you are immune because you live on an island.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank God for the 1/16 of an inch of snow He sent showering down on us last night. It was pretty. I would like to kick the county in the shins for cancelling school for the entire day ...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/7/2007 4:43 PM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Self Portrait
38 weeks, 2 days ...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/7/2007 10:20 AM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Where does the slippery slope of Cocktail Playdates lead?
False labor. That's right. Just like drinking and dancing lead to sex, cocktail playdates lead to false labor.

And WHY do cocktail playdates lead to false labor?  Because that's exactly what a 38 week pregnant woman who has a sip of alcohol deserves for a) even THINKING about drinking during pregnancy and b) committing the heinous and practically felonious act of serving alcohol in front of the kids.

I blame it on Becca. I mean, Becca has been reading this blog since back in the Cookie days, I don't think she has ever commented once ...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/6/2007 8:49 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Rico Suave, age 1 year, 11 months, 21 days
Her mother swears it was her first kiss, but she seemed pretty experienced...

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Posted by Kristen at 2/6/2007 8:12 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Blogging through childbirth?
Stay tuned.................
...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/5/2007 10:53 PM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
3 of the 7 people surveyed at iVillage said that cocktails on playdates are OK
As we watched the video, I hit pause when Meredith referred to the iVillage survey. I'll admit it. My husband has ruined me. Never marry a statistician.

57% of people surveyed at iVillage said that cocktails at playdates were unacceptable. No indication of number of people surveyed, no indication of margin of error.

K:  Is it just me or does that sound like a bullshit survey?
D:  What's iVillage?
K:  Isn't THAT the question of the day?

On a lighter note, my pregnant belly is frightening the locals.

I am not joking. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/4/2007 7:02 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
P.S. You can tell Meredith Viera that she can kiss my ass too
Dear Dr. Janet Taylor,

I know this email is at the bottom of your box and you will probably never read it, but I thought I would send it anyway. It kinda feels like the year I emailed all of People's 100 Most Eligible Bachelors before I realized that I had bought my issue a week after release and while those hot guys in Alaska must be pretty bored, they aren't reading after the 50th email. They sign into their mailbox, see 28,000 new emails and just head for the bars to pick up girls the old fashioned ...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/3/2007 8:21 PM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Because, People, you can never have too many pictures of your boobs on the internet
Who needs 30 miles of train track from IKEA when you have Mom's belly?

...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/2/2007 10:31 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
And you all laughed smugly when I said preschool registration would be like Black Friday
I pulled into the parking lot at 9:03 this morning. I was running a little late because I didn't get out of bed until 8, thanks to the 3 to 6 am insomnia.

The parking lot was packed. Packed in a "no wait, I think there might be a spot at the very end of the row" kind of way. There was a minivan parking when I was pulling into my spot. You have NEVER seen a pregnant woman move so fast. I didn't know who she was but I sure as hell wasn't letting her get that ...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/1/2007 7:15 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Self Portrait

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Posted by Kristen at 1/31/2007 10:09 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
But if he doesn't get into the right preschool, he might never get into HARVARD
Tomorrow is preschool registration day. Remember back in September when I went into the only preschool in the entire area that would take 18 month olds and it was 3 days before class started and I managed to get The Boy enrolled?  Grant it, it was the afternoon, two day a week program, but by golly, the kid is in school and I have received a bit of a second wind and no longer look for sharp objects to use to take out a major vein or artery. At least not as much as I used to.

Having tasted ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/31/2007 5:00 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
My baby must be REALLY healthy
K:  I didn't even know she was pregnant. How is she doing?
SWSRN:  She looks GREAT!!!  She's due the week before you but she isn't anywhere near as big as you are.
K:  I see.
SWSRN:  (because you can never go too far) I mean, not that you are big but she is just so much smaller.
K:  Of course.
SWSRN:  (cause once the train wreck starts, you just can't seem to turn your eyes away) She doesn't even look 6 months pregnant.
K:  That's great.
SWSRN:  (as the cars jump the track) It's just that she is so tall ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/30/2007 11:32 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
He turned!
Before he was making me sweat. Now he is just making me pee.
...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/30/2007 11:24 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Is it wrong to just want a couple of cooch hiccups?
BAAAAHHH---REEECCHHH!  The question:  What is worse than having a baby who is transverse?

How about a follow up from the mechanic letting you know that it will cost over $3,000 to fix the things wrong with your car?

Did I mention that Nathan is breech?

Nathan Clark. That's his name. And there is a whole crowd of people out there that already know that who seemed to be genuinely disturbed by the choice of that name. Like I named the kid Mortimer or Xavier. Not bad names in and of themselves. They just don't go very well ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/26/2007 9:39 PM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Ever seen that Dateline special on the germ count on the floors of locker rooms?
It was only when I got to the Rec Center that I realized I had left the towels by the front door at home. So it is snowing. I'm Ginny's daughter. I'll figure this out because BY GOD, I am not take THE POSSESSED ONE home without his burning at least 700 calories in the pool. I grabbed the Bounty from the trunk of my car (thank you, Derek, for always preparing for the car-trapped-in-the-blizzard/end-of-the-world-scenarios that I mock you about continuously). 30 minutes of splashing coupled with 2 attempts at near drowning and we found ourselves back in the locker ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/25/2007 7:47 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Luckily we aren't paying by the pound for the melons
Last night I trudged up the stairs because there was a commotion regarding my failure to wash the Thomas the Train pajamas from Nana. I guess you could call it a commotion about the locomotion. Ta, da, DUM. (I'll be here all week, folks).

As I hit the top of the stairs, I could hear my son still in the shower singing "happy birthday to you" in Toddler-eze. My husband walked around the corner in his underwear. I gave his waist the hairy eyeball.

D:  What are you looking at?
K:  You. Gaining your weight back.
D:  Am ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/24/2007 2:35 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
TIVO has it right
Tonight during the President's State of the Union Address, a TIVO message popped up saying that it needed to change the channel at 9:30 to tape South Park and Weekend at Bernie's. That sounds about right at our house.
...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/23/2007 10:26 PM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Signs that the primary bedtime caregiver may have fallen asleep before his charge
1. You walk into the kitchen to find your son standing on the counter drinking honey and yelling "HOT TEA, HOT TEA" repeatedly. Solution:  You wipe the honey off his face, forehead and ear (?) and send him back up the stairs to bed.
2. You walk around the corner and find your son eating a granny smith apple that came from....anyone???  anyone???  Uh, I don't KNOW. Solution:  You let him finish the apple and then you send him BACK upstairs.
3. You walk back into the kitchen because you think you hear something going through the trash can and ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/23/2007 9:46 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
I guess threatening to force circumcision on your 20 year old son is kinda mean
Don't worry, the rage is gone. No, the baby hasn't moved (OK, so he had a little stint at breech the other night) but he is back to straddling my stomach like he's trying to hang on for the entire 8 seconds. My own little rodeo champ. Who needs stomach acid IN your stomach anyway?  Why not just spread it all around to all the places it will go?  Do you know that people are shocked when you say that drinking water can give you heartburn?  Do you know what doesn't give you heartburn?  The most fantastic NY style cheesecake ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/22/2007 9:46 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
How to get a response out of me
E:  Morning, Daddy.
D:  Good morning, Ethan. Would you like to climb up in bed with Mom and Dad?
E:  'Os. Morning, Daddy.
D:  Good morning, Ethan.
E:  Daddy, Mommy hot (poking my non-responsive body)?
D:  I think Mommy is hot but probably not in the way you are referring.
E:  Mommy hot. Mommy (poking my non-moving, possom-playing back). Mommy, over. Over, Mommy.
D:  Buddy, I think Mommy only does that if you have a treat to offer her.
...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/20/2007 1:17 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Oh, it's a mathematical match made in heaven
K:  What time is it?  (as he climbed back into bed after comforting Mr. Cranky Pants)
D:  6:30. Why are you up?
K:  Uh, because you WOKE me up.
D:  Sorry. You know what's funny?
K:  Tell me.
D:  You know how the volume of something, when doubled, is actually 8 times the size of the originial item.
K:  OK (wondering how one's "humor" could be oh, so far away than another person's "humor"). Are you gonna whip out the formula for that or something?
D:  Sure. (blah, blah, blah, blahhhhhh, blah, blah).
K:  Right.
D:  Well I read ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/19/2007 9:47 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
To all the blog feeders I'm torturing...
I'm moving all my archives over from blogspot. I don't know how to keep you all from getting a message for every new post. If you have any ideas, let me know.

And honestly, I was much funnier then. You might want to skip the new me and read the old me instead.

Don't hate me.
...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/18/2007 11:35 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Poop is poop--anyway you look at it
Marelle:  You know, to be honest with you (because we are always concerned about Marelle's honesty????), I was a little surprised when you had Ethan.
K:  What part were you surprised about?
Marelle:  You were a little more into poop and vomit than I expected. I mean, don't get me wrong, I know from having my kids at your house how crazed you were about green snotty boogers but I guess I just didn't expect you to TALK about poop as much as you did when you had Ethan.
K:  Oh, I HATE poop. And now it's starting all ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/18/2007 9:51 PM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Just think about all the conversation pregnancy causes
As I paid for the fish and chips lunch for three using twenty-three one dollar bills....

K:  I'm one of those pregnant strippers.
Cashier:  Yeah, I heard about that club. It's hot.


When I came around the corner at the winery to get my cheese and crackers as my husband sampled ELEVEN local wines...

Cashier:  OH MY GOD!!!  When are you due?
K:  February 19.
Cashier:  OH MY GOD!!!
K:  You're saying that because I look so small that you thought that I couldn't possibly be due for another 3 months, right?
Cashier:  OH MY GOD, ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/17/2007 2:47 PM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
And here we have the saddest gingerbread house in America
So it's a month late...his father was determined...
...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/17/2007 2:33 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
He's a little swimming fool
You gotta love the barbells
...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/17/2007 2:25 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
My powers of withholding damaging information are clearly suffering
The Boy slipped in the shower last night. I'd like to be able to blame it on his consumption of one to many Guinesses at the Fish N Chip restaurant yesterday but I imagine it was just a slippery tub.

Which my husband promptly blamed on me. OK, so maybe I was a little hesitant about putting down those daisies that my grandmother used to have in her tub. If you think we have to clean the tub NOW...

But the kid had a shiner on his eyebrow. OK, it was more like he had a marble ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/16/2007 9:50 AM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
I'm sure his boogers aren't contagious

The Rec Center has a strict policy.   Please keep your sick kids at home.   I’m all in agreement with it.   I mean, how many times over the years did  I mumble under my breath about all those rotten mothers who dragged around those kids with that thick green goo dangling from their nostrils (except you, Marelle.   I was never saying those things about you).   Don’t you have any social conscious?  Just because your kid is sick and you are ...

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Posted by Kristen at 1/15/2007 11:47 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Just another day at the zoo
I'm gonna have to say, coming off 28 hours of acid reflux/heartburn/throwing-up-in-your-mouth-continuously is not unlike coming off of a 2 day champagne hangover. You know what I'm talking about?  How you had that feeling that you should just step away from the $5.99 cheap ass "sparkling wine" that someone brought over and just take the Moet out of the salad crisper drawer in the fridge?  But no. You don't like these people enough to bring out the good stuff so you'll just suck it up and pretend you're back in college. You thought it would all be better if you ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/14/2007 10:31 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Because Myers-Briggs will explain just about everything
Yesterday I called my sister to complain that my son insists on lying so his head is sticking out my side. If I lay on my side, he stands up inside of me. His head comes out one end and his little feet stand on the bed. OK, I actually called to see at what point I should worry that he isn't in the right position. My sister, of course, got all freaky and mystical on me.

J:  He'll turn. Maybe you just need to light a candle and tell him to turn.

My sister then asked me ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/13/2007 11:04 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Lollipops 3 and 4
And God help you if you tried to pry one out of her little hand...

...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/12/2007 11:39 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Earrings only a dad would buy
Of course her mother should remember the year she and her little sister convinced Dad to buy the shoes that WEREN'T Mary Jane's--much to Mom's dismay...

...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/12/2007 11:37 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
The least blurry picture I have ever taken of Jackie-Boy
I stapled his feet to the floor.

...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/12/2007 11:31 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Oh, they'll be sorry when I give birth at the Rec Center
Remember when, in a moment of colossal stupidity, I signed The Boy up for swimming lessons AND the wiggles and giggles class?  Remember how my husband TOLD me not to do it but Mama knows best?  Oh, I'm gonna die.

I showed up to wiggles and giggles class. As we waited outside the room and I watched my son plaster his entire head against the window that overlooks the pool, screaming "Agggggggg-oooo-aaaaaa" like a lunatic, I had another mom sit down beside me with her daughter. She was 5'9", size 00, and completely put together. I glanced around ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/12/2007 3:23 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Why my husband is the greatest dad in the world, Part Deux
When Derek is home on the weekends, we have a very hectic life. There is no lying around watching t.v. There are trips to the park, trips to the lake, trips to the grocery store, trips to lunch. Trips, trips, trips. So after a morning of taking The Boy to the Park/taking The Boy for a Bike Ride/taking The Boy to Lunch/taking The Boy to get Milk, I was sure we were done entertaining this child. I mean, other than school, that's more than he and I normally do in a whole WEEK let alone in one morning. But NOOOO... ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/12/2007 11:27 AM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
The gross factor is going way up around here
We just weren't gross growing up. We didn't eat mud pies, we didn't roll around in the mud and I only vaguely remember jumping in and out of a good clean puddle or two once in a while.

Boys are just nasty.

I walked into Ethan's room this morning and notice a slight funk. Hum. It's a small room. And lately he has been sharing it with his father in the middle of the night when he awakens screaming like a three-headed monster is poking his eyes out with a spoon. Or maybe it's because it's the ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/9/2007 3:47 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
So sometimes I am known to miss the big ticket items
First off, let me say that this weekend I came to the startling realization that I am pregnant. You would think that the fact that I can't get out of my own way, I have raging heartburn and I have Alien Nation trying to escape by way of my belly button that this would not be news to me. But it was.

K:  Babe, I don't want to alarm you, but I think I am pregnant.
D:  Baby, not only are you pregnant, and I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you are REALLY ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/8/2007 9:19 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Good news all around
Derek called today to pass on the fantastic news that his job provides 2 weeks of paid paternity leave. My exact response--"SHUT UP!!!"  Grant it they offered 3 weeks at the law firm when he worked there, but then again, they expected you to conduct client teleconferences from the labor and delivery room and expected you to make up your hours between 10 pm and 10 am every day that you had "off."  So I guess that really isn't paternity leave.

The only thihg that could have made today better would have been a press release by the ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/4/2007 9:36 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Sometimes asking the same question 5 times is going to elicit the same response EVERY SINGLE TIME
Derek's biggest beef with The Boy is that if he tries to put him to bed before he is ready, he's like a wild cat that has been locked up in a crate. He'll start out pretty sane (only requesting to read 30 books) but then the evening will evolve into rather loud wailing and gnashing of teeth. As a precaution, Derek now only puts The Boy to bed when he is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE that he will go to sleep (e.g. The Boy falls asleep standing straight up, The Boy goes over to the gate in front of the stairs ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/3/2007 8:27 AM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Maybe patience is overrated?
Lately I have been thinking that I am married to the best father in the world. Two days ago, we bought a new bed for The Boy and Derek spent the next 6 hours putting it together. An earthquake could hit this house, it would come crumbling down and STILL that boat shaped bed would be together. I'm sure of it. But his act of putting it together isn't what made me think he was the best father ever. It was how it all went down.

For 6 hours, Derek let The Boy "help" him put the bed ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/2/2007 7:34 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Luckily I'm not suffering from those silly pregnancy hormones
Because of The Boy's 5 hour nap yesterday, he had no problem clinking his milk cup at midnight last night. That does not explain why he then woke up at 6:45 a.m. this morning. But, with waking up on the first day of 2007 at the crack of dawn, it provides endless possibilities for how to spend the first day of the new year.

Inspired, we jumped into the car and headed to pay our respects to the 38th President of the United States. Because if it is a rainy, miserable day, a pregnant woman should take her ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/1/2007 10:25 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Days of Thunder
My husband, at this very moment, is making me watch Days of Thunder. I'm sure this is retaliation for days of An Ideal Husband, Little Women, Much Ado About Nothing, Baby Boom and The Breakfast Club.

He only wants to watch it because he heard that it was as funny as Talladaga Nights.

He is very confused, with a confusion that can only be mastered by blondes.

D:  Why did Tom and Nicole break up again?
K:  Other than the fact he was gay, I think it was because she got pregnant and he ...
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Posted by Kristen at 12/29/2006 8:10 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
But Dad called them socks
and this is what your tree looks like when all your ornaments are living in a Pod container somewhere....
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Posted by Kristen at 12/26/2006 10:15 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
They look so innocent, don't they?













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Posted by Kristen at 12/26/2006 9:42 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
When 8 weeks turns into a million years
You think I would learn. But NOOOOO. "The Heartburn" is back. In case you were wondering, "The Heartburn" should be said aloud much like a 75 year old complains of suffering from "The Dia-Beat-is."  I find myself acting like a poorly behaved 75 year old diabetic, hiding heartburn-causing food in a pocket here or behind the couch cushion over there. A piece of chocolate snuck here and a glass of soda in closed container that cannot be easily identified. Until now, I have managed to dodge the heartburn bullet for the last 4 months but it appears the party is ...
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Posted by Kristen at 12/26/2006 8:15 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
I'm not sure but I think I might conceivably be out of control
There is craziness afoot in this house. For some reason, my family thinks that because there are Christmas cookies in the house, they should be able to eat them.

WHATTTT????  Those cut-out cookies that took me all day to bake?   Are you crazy?  What made you two think that they are for eating? 

My husband is faced with a terrible dichotomy--dealing with my insanity and his need to eat every cookie he can get his hands on. I keep finding either The Boy or His Dad with the large ziploc bag in his hand. I started to ...
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Posted by Kristen at 12/24/2006 9:26 AM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Tis the season for a cold
The other night I tucked both of my boys in bright and early. Neither could breathe. So I made them get back up and get into a steamy shower. Ethan cried his best "I've-fallen-down-a-well-why-won't-anyone-come-to-save-me" cry and I just kept wondering why Derek couldn't just PICK HIM UP SO HE WOULD STOP CRYING. It got so bad that I considered getting into the shower to hold him. But as our shower has a 1.1 person maximum capacity and The Boy thinks he is 1.0 person who is entitled to be under the entire stream of the shower, I wasn't getting my ...
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Posted by Kristen at 12/23/2006 6:41 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
I swear he was not even remotely this funny when I married him
As we were lying in bed the other night together (because I was feeling the Christmas spirit of being inclusive), but just before we almost fell asleep:

K:  Babe, do you want a Honey Baked Ham for Christmas this year?
D:  Sure, Babe. But you don't have to wrap it for me. You can just put it in the fridge.


...
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Posted by Kristen at 12/21/2006 11:59 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Why people like me should not be in business
Last night at 5:40 p.m, approximately 20 minutes before the Postal Service takes the last set of packages out of the APC machine for the night (i.e. the last shipment of the day), I realized that I didn't have any more "Definitely Not Having A Silent Birth" t-shirts in small. This was highly unfortunate as M (keeping it anon to protect the innocent) had ordered one. I freaked out, because that's what pregnant women who own their own business do. I decided to call M and ask him what he wanted to do. Which is what I did.

"Hello?" ...
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Posted by Kristen at 12/19/2006 9:41 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Because 30 minutes is just too much to ask
I was on the phone with my mom last night.

M:  You did what?
K:  I was hysterically crying so I got into the car and drove The Boy to Derek's office.
M:  You dropped Ethan off at Derek's office?
K:  Uh, yeah.
M:  When he was working?
K:  That's right.
M:  In the middle of the day?
K:  Actually it was 15 minutes before he had to leave work.
M:  Was that OK?
K:  I guess.

Of course it was OK. When he came out to the car to pick him up, this is how it ...
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Posted by Kristen at 12/19/2006 8:25 AM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Determined to be my greatest public embarrassment
Admit it. You are dying to know if I am going to talk about my husband or my child. Which one will it be?  Surprise. Try as hard as he did, I surpassed my husband last night as the family freak.

We got invited to the Casa Blanca Open House last night by my very gracious ex-boyfriend.

Ex-B:  Hey.
K:  Hey. Long time.
Ex-B:  What's up with you?
K:  Well, I'm almost 8 months pregnant.
Ex-B:  What the hell are you thinking?
K:  Ummm. I don't want Ethan  to be one of those "only children."  You ...
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Posted by Kristen at 12/17/2006 11:15 PM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
the conversations you sometimes just need to have
K:  Did you buy me a present?
D:  Not yet. Why?
K:  I don't want you to buy me anything.
D:  I know.
K:  I don't NEED anything.
D:  You told me that.
K:  We don't have any MONEY  for you to buy me anything.
D:  I know.
K:  You can buy me some little tool that I would need at the end of the world or something.
D:  I know.
K:  Are you SURE you know?
D:  I KNOW.
K:  Do you know in a  we-didn't-have-any-money-last-year-and-after-telling-you-that-500-times-I-opened-up-a-$1300-Canon-Lens-box-on-Christmas-morning kinda way?
D:  I KNOWWWW.
K:  (my suspicion rising precariously)  ...
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Posted by Kristen at 12/15/2006 12:01 AM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Because someone in this family is DETERMINED to be in the Christmas spirit
Patience and I had this discussion the other day about taking the Christmas light tour. You know the one. You drive around in the neighborhood looking for the Griswald-y-est house with the most amount of lights and as the kids "oooo" and "ahhhh," you as adults discuss amongst yourselves what kind of craziness drives someone to do this every year and exactly what do you think their light bill is for the months of November and December anyway. And why are the 6 foot Nutcrackers part of the Nativity scene, peering over Joseph's shoulder?

Pache mentioned that she HATES ...
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Posted by Kristen at 12/13/2006 6:49 PM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
I'm sure when the next wave of testosterone hits the building in February, I'll get more understanding
Overheard as I was lying in bed (a random bed in the house, not belonging to me, but deliciously empty other than me and had been for the entire night) and after listening to a long dissertation on how an electric razor works, complete with props and live action demonstrations.

D:  Ethan, you were crying, crying, crying last night.
E:  Os.
D:  Why were you so cranky?
E:  Mommy's cranky.
D:  Did you just say "Mommy's cranky?"
E:  Mommy's cranky.
D:  Actually for once, I don't think Mommy is cranky.

Clear as a bell.  Do they think I'm ...
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Posted by Kristen at 12/12/2006 9:20 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
The agony of defeat
In a cruel twist of fate, I found myself up against my husband in the first round of Fantasy Football playoffs. I have been kicking ass and taking names and frankly was sure I was going to leave him in my dust. I wasn't overjoyed about this, since, as you know from prior posts, my husband has had a rough go on the Fantasy Football front.

In a moment of weakness, I asked him which of my quarterbacks to play.

D:  What does Fantistics say?
K:  To play Vick. It has Brees so far down the line that ...
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Posted by Kristen at 12/10/2006 11:25 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Someone around here needs to get his own bed
There's nothing quite like having 7 holes in you to drive someone to coddle you like the baby you are. Top that with a new haircut, losing 25 pounds post-op and having a 7 month pregnant wife and you can rule the world. Until you steal the covers one too many times.

I've been feeling bad for Derek since the surgery. If he wakes up in the middle of the night, he has a really difficult time getting back to sleep. So I jump up at the sound of The Boy's wimper (ok, most of the time), I sleep ...
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Posted by Kristen at 12/1/2006 8:12 PM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Oh, the tangled webs we weave, When we practice to deceive
A couple of months ago I wrote a post about how I was a big fat liar about recording my weight when I went to my prenatal exams. I mean, who wouldn't lie about their weight when given an opportunity?  I say it is their fault for putting the scale in the lav and handing me a pen to record my weight. OK, I'll be honest. Right. Well then it got a little complicated because I couldn't remember when I had lied and by how much and I found myself stripping down to skivies in the lav before taking my ...
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Posted by Kristen at 11/30/2006 9:46 PM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
To some people, $18,000 is a lot of money
We got our first bill for Derek's operation. It's not really a bill as Blue Cross is going to pay it. Either that or we will be moving sooner than we think. Of course all of the bills say "Derek" and since Blue Cross doesn't even know Derek by the name "Derek" we may really be moving sooner than we think.

Since my father-in-law just published a scathing article on billing procedures in hospitals resulting in the entire surgical community calling for his head on a platter or just a public burning at the stake (which made ...
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Posted by Kristen at 11/29/2006 10:34 AM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Back to our life of leisure
This morning my husband went back to work for the first time in 16 days. I love him dearly, but it was time. Even if he felt like one of those cartoon characters that when he drinks water you expect the water to come out all 7 of the holes in his abdomen.

I wish I was an artist. That would be a very funny picture.

He's back to his wicked ways. Even though he is supposed to be drinking his meals through a straw, he managed to get a french fry stuck in his throat yesterday. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 11/27/2006 11:43 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Funny me, I thought it would take it a little longer
Ring....

Derek:  Hello.
Bob:  Is this Derek?  This is Principal Bob from the Elementary School located just around the corner from your house.
Derek:  (noticeably more polite) Yes, sir. This is Derek.
Principal Bob:  I'm calling to tell you that your dog is here at the principal's office.
Derek:  We'll be right there to pick him up.

I'm sorry?  How exactly does a dog end up at the principal's office?  And how many admin offices are there at the elementary school that the dog ended up with THE PRINCIPAL???  And why did it sound like my husband ...
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Posted by Kristen at 11/21/2006 8:13 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
He's alive
Derek is on his way from recovery now. Dr. John came by to say that despite there being no symptoms for his gallbladder and the ultrasound only by chance showing one gallstone (which led to this surgery), he actually had 13. Here's to hoping my ultrasound technician was right and I am only pregnant with one baby and not 13. The other more fun part of the surgery involving the esophogus went well. I would post pictures but it is disgusting.

Props to Grandpa for waving down the Chief of Plastics in the hall yesterday at the hospital ...
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Posted by Kristen at 11/15/2006 5:09 PM | View Comments (7) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Carol Brady called....
She wants her hair back.

Ever gone to the shee-shee hair salon because you got in a fight with your husband about money and what better way to get back at your husband than to spend MORE money and then you went to pay the bill and realized that your haircut costs $30 more than you paid the last time (which was an arm and a leg THEN) you got your haircut (June) but somehow you don't feel guilty enough NOT to get shampoo because you ran out and it costs only $.28 an application ...
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Posted by Kristen at 11/12/2006 8:20 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
So this was going to be the post about how great being a wife and mother is....
I was lying in bed alone last night (I've resorted to sneaking away to an empty bed to ensure some sleep during the night--crying baby, what crying baby?) thinking about the post I was going to write about how my husband and The Boy take my breath away. I'm not sure I'll be left with any breath in me because if either smiles at me these days, I'm cooked. My son, when he grabs both of my cheeks and says, "Oh, Mama..."

Even the morning started out magical today. After the two of them found me and crawled into ...
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Posted by Kristen at 11/11/2006 4:53 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
You know your dad is cool when...
He lets you eat salt and vinegar chips in bed.

Mom only hopes that when she gets upstairs, The Boy will have been eating chips in his own bed, rather than in his parents bed. It doesn't sound hopeful.

And where the hell did he get a bag of chips?  And why is he eating them at 10:13 p.m?  If you have the answer to one or any of these questions, please feel free to contribute.

Damn that waitress who brought him that glass of lemonade with dinner. And the second glass of lemonade when ...
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Posted by Kristen at 11/10/2006 10:13 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Popularity is highly overrated
I opened up an eye this morning to find my son and my husband standing over me, speaking ill of me.

D:  We have to wake Mom up so she can make us breakfast. Mom is really tired because she was up way too late trying to be more popular than Aunt Jen on Minti.  

Kristen can never be as popular as Aunt Jen. And Dad is a brat. Oh, I'll get you your breakfast, baby.
...
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Posted by Kristen at 11/9/2006 10:44 PM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
I love that saying. If anyone knows what the hell it really means and you want to discuss, let me know.

For those of you who know me, stop asking how I feel about the elections. I'm looking forward to the budget being balanced and the war being over in 6 months. That's what was promised, right?

K:  Do you want to go see Dad at the train station?
E:  Os.

Should I have realized that standing on the platform with a double-decker train barrelling toward us at 50 mph, blaring a nefarious sounding "CHOOOOOO-CHOOOOO" would not ...
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Posted by Kristen at 11/8/2006 11:59 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Vote early, vote often, and for God's sake, don't touch that pesky red button or we'll lose everything
The Boy voted early and according to the number of his "I voted" stickers on his chest, often today. He did get rebuked soundly at the polls today. We showed up to find no line for my side of the alphabet and a longish line for Derek's side of the alphabet. Once again, I made a wise choice in retaining my last name.

After being permanently traumatized by "Hacking Democracy" (no excuse, Tara, because I think you can download it online--even in Haiti), my fears were slightly frazzled when I pushed the "VOTE" button on the screen and ...
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Posted by Kristen at 11/7/2006 10:23 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
The moment "no" hits the vocabulary
It's all over. Derek just asked Ethan if he wanted to go to bed. Nevermind that it is 10:49 p.m and Ethan was supposed to go to bed 2 hours ago. Now he is being ASKED if he wants to go to bed. Why not just top the whole evening off and ask him if he would like a piece of cake before bed?  Or maybe a Pixie Stick?  Dad and Boy are now doing puzzles. Isn't that what every other 20 month old is doing right now?  Hey, it's not my job so ...
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Posted by Kristen at 11/6/2006 11:52 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
The more things change, the more they stay the same
Last night we drove up to the house after our dreamy date to find my sister sitting in the driveway with the truck running and The Boy sleeping with his chin resting on his chest in his car seat. I'm sure he was very comfy. Boy, did he show her. After sleeping in his Little Tikes car for 15 minutes and screaming in refusal of all beds, she took him for a drive around the corner. She said he didn't even make it past the 3rd house.  She was panicked that he would wake up if she moved him so ...
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Posted by Kristen at 11/5/2006 11:27 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
He might be the hottest date I can find, but he had better straighten up in the attitude department before tonight

My sister is coming over to babysit, but I wouldn't put it past her to pack a little black dress into her bag just in case Derek continues to, say, open his mouth before we leave at 8:00 p.m tonight.

I find that my husband gets a little sassy after he has gotten some. Kind of like now he doesn't have to be on his good behavior for at least another 12 hours (who is he kidding--24 hours). Like this morning, for instance.

D:  Is there a plan for the ham soup?

Oh there's a ...
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Posted by Kristen at 11/4/2006 5:52 PM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
So we might need to take the creative route here
There was something that we are referring to as "The Biting Incident" that occurred at preschool a couple of weeks ago. No one in this home was the plaintiff or the defendant in said action but it did create a small stir at home. It happens but I hadn't thought about it happening and all I was concerned with was whether or not Our Little Prince would suddenly become The Biter at some point. He bit Derek once a couple of weeks ago, but he had been wailing and shoving his entire hand in his mouth.

Damn those molars. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 11/3/2006 3:45 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
All I can say is that it seemed like a good idea at the time
This parenting thing is crap. Kids are crazy.

Derek is running down the stairs, around the corner, into the kitchen, down the stairs, then up again. He is doing this because in a fit of anger today, I may have locked the bathroom door to keep The Boy out of there. I distinctly remember a conversation we had a week ago that went like this...

K:  So how bad would it be if we, say, locked the bathroom door?  It only has that little whole in the middle of the knob.
D:  You just have to pop ...
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Posted by Kristen at 11/3/2006 12:07 AM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
times they are a 'changing

"SSSSOOOOOO.........What are you dressed as?  Yourself?  Or did you guys to decided to dress as EACH OTHER tonight?"

What the hell was up with the 30 kids that showed up at our house with no costumes?  All the 12 and 13 year olds. Had I known it was going to happen, I would have given out cans of Spam. Or the Play-doh I was giving to the little kids. We can only hope that where ever they are today, their teeth are rotting out.

...
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Posted by Kristen at 11/1/2006 10:45 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
The only thing missing is the "bock, bock" audio
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Posted by Kristen at 10/31/2006 6:31 PM | View Comments (5) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Only the chicken knows....

...
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Posted by Kristen at 10/31/2006 6:20 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
So now you can sue me for all my bad advice

Today was a very big day here at Chateau Cookie. Today I was sworn in as an attorney. Sure I showed up 3 hours early, I had forgotten to register, gave a wrong bar admission number so they had difficulty verifying me, realized when I sat down with my "peers" that I was wearing a hot pink maternity sweater to the swearing in ceremony of the most CONSERVATIVE court in the nation--where gray is the new black, and then had my name presented for admission by the dean of THE WRONG LAW SCHOOL. Not only did the wrong dean of ...

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Posted by Kristen at 10/30/2006 8:42 PM | View Comments (6) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
She never ceases to say things that surprise me
My mother-in-law mentioned on the phone the other night that while she was at my sister-in-law's house taking care of the grandkids while He-Who-Still-Remains-Nameless-8-Days-After-Birth was being born, that she had to sleep with my niece Hailey AND the dog. Not only did the dog sleep in the bed, apparently she needed to lay on top of my MIL in order to sleep properly. I asked my MIL if she had been allowed to sleep with her dog when she was growing up.

This was a valid question because if you have ever heard stories about Nana, she was NO ...
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Posted by Kristen at 10/29/2006 9:47 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Maybe I should have that second piece of cake for breakfast

Yesterday Nat (the letter carrier) knocked on my door rather loudly and ruined my nap. Or so I thought until he handed me a package with this card in it.

           Kristen--Thought you might like this outfit for The Boy for Halloween. Or preschool. Or church. Ruthie was
           my 'little devil'  but it just didn't seem to suit Thomas, who is more like an angel. Or the Marlboro Man.


With that, I pulled out the mystery surprise to find THIS.

...

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Posted by Kristen at 10/26/2006 9:39 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
FINE!!!!! I'll turn on the damn heat already
Because everyone in this house is a joker. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 10/25/2006 11:21 AM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
It's cold in here

We all knew it was coming. The fall, that is. And the fact that as soon as the temperature dropped, I would become the temperature nazi in my house. Blame it on pregnancy. Blame it on cash-flow problems. Blame it on whatever you like. But this thermostat ain't climbing above 61 degrees in this house.

I'll admit it gets a little worse when I am pregnant. Last time I was pregnant, Derek walked around the house with shirts/sweatshirts/sweatpants/socks/slippers and occasionally a hat. I walked around in a crop top and butt shorts. What can I say?  I'm hot. We ...

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Posted by Kristen at 10/25/2006 12:44 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Is 100 miles too far to drive to buy a cake?
This weekend Derek and I had a discussion about our wedding cake. It was our anniversary last week so this really isn't SO out of order but that isn't the reason that we were discussing our wedding cake. We were discussing our wedding cake because I have a cake fetish when I am pregnant. Most people have more normal cravings. Not me. Just plain ol' supermarket cake.

Before you become alarmed at the thought of me having a supermarket cake for my wedding (as it is an item of interest that could cause great alarm), this was a ...
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Posted by Kristen at 10/23/2006 9:09 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
So would that be the $500 Armani toddler suit or the hole-y Penney's "polo" shirt ( complete with pocket protector) and the wrinkled khakis?
Derek and I have been arguing for weeks about what The Boy should be for Halloween. Derek, like any good man, didn't actually want to make a decision about what The Boy should wear. He just wanted to maintain veto power. Winnie the Pooh, no. A chicken, not masculine enough. A lion, too babyish. I had enough. I bowed out. Based on the card statements, I figured my husband had no problem conducting online purchases and could figure it out himself.

So this afternoon they invited me to go along with them in search of the perfect Halloween ...
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Posted by Kristen at 10/22/2006 9:33 PM | View Comments (6) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Why reading a celebrity news blog is a really bad idea before you go to bed
Because you may find yourself having a dream about having these people in your house and even though its a dream, you will feel obligated to be a polite and gracious host. But then you will spend all your energy trying to wake yourself up so you can stop this nightmare, only to discover that you may have clicked on too many pictures because now you are back asleep but these people have never left your house. They have just been patiently waiting until you go BACK to sleep to once again bore you with idle conversation. This ...
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Posted by Kristen at 10/19/2006 8:33 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming
So I disappeared off the face of the earth for a week. Why, do you say?  According to the ultrasound tech, I have more Pee Pee Teepees in my future. Isn't it wonderful? 

Yes, it is. A week later. Perhaps the timing was just bad when I got the news. When we got the brand new ultrasound technician who probably would have had difficulty finding his own ass with both hands let alone the baby's ass, Derek forgot to bring The Boy's books into the room and The Boy spent 1 1/2 hours screaming maniacally, ...
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Posted by Kristen at 10/17/2006 11:34 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
When the lines become fuzzy
If you have ever had a dog, you know that obedience training is an ongoing endeavor. You can teach your dog to sit, lay down and stay but if you aren't consistent, it all goes out the window. The only problem with the ongoing training is that dogs are prone to take shortcuts. If they think you are going to say "down" right after you say "sit," they tend to slide through "sit" and go "down" instead. Of course I think it is intentional but Derek swears that Zinni is just confused when he does that.

This is ...
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Posted by Kristen at 10/10/2006 9:41 AM | View Comments (7) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
when the grasshopper becomes the sensei
I wrote an article over at Minti about how to avoid the terrible 2's by using redirection rather than always telling The Boy "no."  As I discussed it with Derek, he mentioned that mabe I had it a little off. Not unlike Derek to tell me I'm wrong AFTER I write an article.

D:  Babe, he uses redirection on us.
K:  What do you mean?
D:  Haven't you noticed lately that he draws your attention in one direction and that as soon as he has you confused, he runs off in the other direction to do exactly ...
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Posted by Kristen at 10/9/2006 7:04 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Extreme babysitting
This past Thursday I went to my sister's house to watch her three kids while she took her husband to the hospital to have knee surgery.

That's right. I was a babysitter. Stop laughing. My sister tried to prepare me ahead of time about how my one year old niece Lucy is so unlike her big brothers and just gets into everything. OK, I thought, I can do this. I gave birth to Mr.-There-Ain't-No-Mountain-High-Enough. What's one more?  I can handle 4 kids. For heaven's sake, my mother did it.

As I walked into her living room, ...
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Posted by Kristen at 10/8/2006 11:50 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
You can only hope this will be the last of the plumbing stories

When Derek got home from work yesterday, I still hadn't gone to the hardware store to pick up the water lines. This, as you can imagine, did not go over well. In my defense, there was in "incident" involving The Boy and then he fell asleep and slept all afternoon. If I had a nanny, or if it was socially responsible to just LEAVE a 19 month old sleeping in his bed to go to the hardware store, I would have done it. I offered to go myself but there we were, all piled in the truck together.
...

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Posted by Kristen at 10/4/2006 7:28 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
The family that plumbs together, stays together
I swear, as God is my witness, I am going to learn my lesson.

I got it in my head (thanks to encouragement from Renee to enjoy my house now BEFORE I sell it) that we should make some repairs. I told my husband that we were going to change the faucet in our bathroom.

D: Why can't we just wait for the home inspector to find it?
K:  Find what?  The leak, the lack of a stopper or the drip?

I was given "the Look."  You know that look.

D:  Why can't we ...
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Posted by Kristen at 10/2/2006 11:18 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Oh, so it's gonna be like THAT
As you have noticed, the competition in the fantasy football league is getting a little personal but all in good fun. Until now. When fun turns to tragedy.

Next week I am up against the hottest guy in our league. He is also the most testy person in our league because he has lost 3 in a row and it looks like it is going to be down to the wire against his opponent tonight. The stakes are high. If Pache wins, Derek has to dress up as Pooh for Halloween. He also informed me today that if he loses, ...
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Posted by Kristen at 10/2/2006 10:38 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Swing over to Minti
I have found a great new website run by my friend Rachel. It's called Minti (and it's free) and they have provided a place for me to have it out with my sister over her wacky parenting style. I'm at kristen.minti.com. It's an all-out sister war. So if you want to witness the carnage, head on over there to check it out. While you are there, leave a comment (even you, my favorite lurkers--you know who you are). If you leave comments or rate my articles, I become more popular than ...
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Posted by Kristen at 10/1/2006 9:16 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Preschool's gonna get the credit for everything now
It has begun. Yesterday we were on the phone with Nana and she wanted to know all of The Boy's latest accomplishments (i.e. finding a cure for cancer, ending global warming, becoming the first Libertarian president of the United States). It was perfect timing because in the last 72 hours, The Boy now knows everything, as evidenced by his conversation with his father yesterday when a plane flew overhead.

D:  That's a plane.
E:  PLANE!

Not 'ain.' Not 'pain.' Not 'nane.'  Just 'plane.'
 
Baffled that now he can speak, we took him home and read him his ...
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Posted by Kristen at 10/1/2006 9:42 AM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
How fantasy football will help you go straight to hell
This morning I got a call from my BIL Jorgie.

J:  Krissy, I just wanted to know. If the first thing I thought of when I heard that Terrell Owens tried to kill himself was "maybe now I can beat Katie this week," is that bad?  I mean, I think I am going to hell for that one.
K:  Jorge, I'll be sitting right next to you at the pinochle table in hell because when I heard that he tried to commit suicide, I thought "good God, he was out of the news for a whole 3 days because his ...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/27/2006 10:20 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

Actually it's the end of the world as I know it. I find that people often misuse the "we" phrase. Like, say, the buyer's real estate agent tonight at the closing.

AH:  (in the elevator from the garage) If I could guess, I would guess we have a closing today and you are the seller.
K:  And I would guess (based on your slimy appearance and apparent lack of a soul) that you are the buyer's real estate agent.
AH:  And what's our name?  (to Ethan)
K:  Our name is Ethan.

Because WE clearly had not been tortured enough ...

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Posted by Kristen at 9/26/2006 8:17 PM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
One of the many ways I am eating my words years later

Oh, I'll never watch Barney. That dumb ass purple freak. Won't do it.

My motivation should have been for better reasons. My logic--he sings off key, he is a scary dancer. The problem is that all of those things appear to make children want to climb right up into the t.v. and sing along with the "I love you" song.

This morning I turned on TV and couldn't quite turn the channel in time from PBS before The Boy noticed the Big Purple Loon. He then sat beside me riveted for the next 17 minutes. 17 whole ...

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Posted by Kristen at 9/26/2006 11:26 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Is it wrong to think that the buyer should beware of himself first????
A new twist on caveat emptor

Today I got a phone call from my real estate agent. She called to tell me that the buyers were doing their walk through and that she had just gotten a call from their real estate agent. He was complaining that he couldn't flush the toilet.

The toilet that The Boy has flushed, oh, 900 times this past week. I started to wonder if maybe the buyers thought they were getting another condo and maybe we should ask which unit they were, I don't know, actually in.
...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/25/2006 11:00 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
One of the many ways fantasy football is going to kill me
I woke up this morning to news reports that most of my fantasy football players have ailments. A bum hamstring here, a bad shoulder there, and even a toe. Not described as a toe injury, just a toe. I'd like to think that he has 10 of them, but who knows. At the rate I'm going, this team of mine is going to need that pool the old people found in Cocoon that made them young again.

The competition is heating up and I'm happy to say that we are still conversing here at Chateau Cookie. Apparently things ...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/24/2006 8:53 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Of all the ways I love my husband, this is what I love the most
We are less than 72 hours from closing on the condo. Or so we think. I just know that when Tuesday comes, they are going to try to pull a fast one. These people buying the place are crazy. They have gotten a little heady about this being a buyer's market. After agreeing that we fix a certain number of things, they changed their minds and said they would walk if we didn't make the shower handle easier to pull out.

A shower handle that has tightened up a little because it hasn't been used in 16 months. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/23/2006 7:34 PM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
I can't believe I'm going to say it, but they grow up so fast
Last weekend I was in the shower and I looked around the curtain to see The Boy walking by, cleaning his ear out with a Tampax.

For some reason, if The Boy even touches a tampon, his father reaction borders on requiring medical attention.

D:  EEEETHHHHAAAANNNN!!!!  That is not a QTip.

With that, the boy is in a run. He has a QTip fetish. He hoards them away for a rainy day. I am aware of this obsession and make sure to always keep the hall closet closed. His father, however, is not so facidious. Whatever made ...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/21/2006 9:26 AM | View Comments (6) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
So you are saying I'm missing something you are trying to tell me?
This morning I made the mistake of trying to get some laundry done. OK, my real mistake was letting The Boy wander around while I did laundry. I told him to come down to the basement with me but he kept wandering away. I heard him up on the landing and then heard the tell-tale sound of the diaper being taken off.

Crap!

He wandered down the stairs a couple of minutes later butt ass naked.

K:  Go get your diaper NOW!!!  What is the rule?  You have to wear you DIAPER!!!  Why did you take ...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/20/2006 7:27 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Signs that he is much smarter than us
Today I walked into the living room to find that The Boy had liberated the liquid vitamins from their box packaging. We have liquid vitamins because my dear friend Renee gave them to us yesterday with promises of "we have several other bottles and we'll never use this one."  Really I think it was because she was so mortified that I was eating 2/3's of a Flinstones vitamin and handing the final 1/3 to Ethan. Hey, the box says a half of a vitamin for 2 year olds. I think I'm being pretty cautious by only using a 1/3. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/19/2006 8:45 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (or Why I Should Never Have Entered A Fantasy Football League)
OMG, it was my husband's brilliant idea to have a Fantasy Football League with my sisters and friends. I thought that this might be a bad idea because I vaguely remembered my behavior from two years ago when D was in a league at the firm. I read reams and reams of pages of scout reports, I was on the internet for hours a day, I watched more NFL that year than I have in my collective life. And I drove him to a resounding 3rd out of 12th. Behind every successful man is  an even more successful woman... Last ...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/18/2006 7:50 PM | View Comments (5) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
For all of you who were wondering how long it would take for me to be publicly shunned at preschool
It only took 2 days because I am such an overachiever.

Last night I noticed on the preschool carpool sheet that a kid in Ethan's class lived not far from us. I had talked to his mom several times and she mentioned that she was concerned about getting back to pick up another child from school after she picked up the smaller one. I told Derek that maybe I could help her out by giving her son a ride home sometimes.

I ran into her at school this afternoon and this is how it went down...
...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/15/2006 4:03 PM | View Comments (7) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Apparently I do have a soul
Yesterday was The Boy's first "full day" of preschool. Only 2 hours and 45 minutes, but it's the 2 hours and 45 minutes I have been anticipating for quite some time. In fact, it's all I have talked about since I up and enrolled him a week ago.

I couldn't WAIT to take him. For days and days I have read all these sweet blog posts about how traumatized moms have been to drop off their children. I scoffed. In fact, I was slightly ashamed that maybe, just maybe, I might be one of those moms that would ...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/14/2006 9:58 PM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
No one's gonna accuse them of being P.C. in the 60's
Nana sent a pair of shorts today that Derek wore when he was The Boy's age. And this was the first thing that caught my eye...

...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/13/2006 8:50 PM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
You can't take him anywhere--The Husband, that is
Yesterday I walked into the bathroom to find The Boy standing in the sink, routing through the medicine cabinet. He had Derek's electric razor on in his hand (which he had turned on) and was shaving his face. With his other hand, he was applying roll-on deodorant to his lips.

This amazed me because in all of his nearly 19 months of life, I don't believe he has ever seen his mother with lipstick on, yet alone watched her apply it. For that matter, I'm fairly certain he hasn't learned that skill from his father either. I'll have ...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/12/2006 9:31 AM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
In memory...
There is nothing to say. Five years later and there is nothing to say. I have spent hours trying to write a post that is just not going to happen.

To all who are lost, you are gone but not forgotten.

...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/11/2006 12:23 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Apparently The Boy is not allergic to peanut butter either
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Posted by Kristen at 9/11/2006 12:15 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
First day of school
If you think he looks ethereal and otherworldly, it was only until after I took the picture that I realized there were about a thousand toddler prints on the lens. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/11/2006 11:53 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
So the conclusion is that The Boy is not allergic to bee stings
Yesterday I offered to bring firewood over to the firepit at my sister's house. This was because it is not my job to get the firewood in the back.

Derek gave me The Look. I told him we could just go to Safeway and buy wood if he wanted. No, no, no.  We are cheap asses now so we will pay for nothing. He and The Boy went out back to get the wood and I ran upstairs to take a 2 minute shower. When I came back downstairs, I heard the door slam and Ethan screaming. Derek ...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/10/2006 9:54 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Oh, the tears I failed to shed...
This morning I woke up and realized that I wasn't like all those other mothers who have been writing these really sweet posts about how their hearts felt as if they were being physically yanked from their chests when they dropped their child off for the first day of preschool.

Sure I had my brief moments. A tad of guilt for being the mother who is unloading her child on the establishment at the tender age of 18 months.

"You mean you can't be with him all day long?  You have only had him for a year and ...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/8/2006 10:20 PM | View Comments (6) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
It's a cross between signing a lease for an apartment and applying to law school
I woke up yesterday and decided that 2 days was long enough to wait to hear back from the preschools. I mean, I spent all of Tuesday pulling The Boy off the boxes of t-shirts in the living room. Approximately 5 feet high. My husband mentioned that I probably shouldn't let The Boy climb the boxes and I mentioned that it wasn't like I was treating it like my own personal jungle gym and that I have told him, oh, 800,000 times to stay off the boxes. And until we have a place to put all those boxes, he is ...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/7/2006 10:16 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Our own personal Fort Knox
This weekend we got a lock for the refridgerator. And this was not just to keep Derek on his diet.

For the past week, Ethan has been going into the fridge to either take out the gallon of milk or to stick his finger in the top of the mustard bottle.

Dozens of times a day, I am either finding him sitting in the middle of the kitchen with the milk or he is running into living room to flick mustard on me. Not the Grey Poupon, but his father's very favorite crappy cheap ass yellow mustard. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/5/2006 8:13 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
But if Ethan doesn't get into the right preschool, he'll NEVER get into Harvard

Before The Boy was born, his father began researching preschools in our area. This was simply because his father is obsessive compulsive about going to school. I don't really think he has high expectations for his child as long as he promises to get at least 9 years of post graduate education. I don't think The Boy even has to do well. He just has to go.

As a matter of luck, there were three in our very neighborhood. Two of which had very, very good reputations. Whatever the hell that means. Does that mean when you drive by that you ...

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Posted by Kristen at 9/4/2006 9:40 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
It's easier to just blame it on their Myers Briggs letters
You ever know one of those people who, when you offer a hand because you really want to offer a hand, they look at you and tell you very politely that your hand isn't up to their standards, but then you turn around and suddenly they have taken your hand and now you have a leg missing too?  And then, because your hand and leg are missing and it is causing some problems, you decide to sell a kidney?  And your only stipulation is that the person purchasing the kidney give you the small amount of money to pay for the ...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/3/2006 10:20 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Some days you just have one of those days
1. Today I spent the day with some old friends. I took this amazing picture...

...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/2/2006 10:37 PM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
"The British are coming! The British are coming!"
I have been DYING to say that since the 2nd grade. OK, so the Brit is gone, but it felt even better to say it than I thought it would.

It started about three weeks ago when I told my mother that Martin and his friend were coming to visit and that they were going to spend the night at our house.

M:  WHAT??  You are going to have strangers that you have never met, except over the internet, at your house?
K:  Uh, yeah.
M:  They are going to spend the night?
K:  ...
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Posted by Kristen at 9/2/2006 8:04 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Some of my lower parenting moments, As Seen In L.A.
Every time I tell my mother that I am a crappy parent, she feels compelled to give the "crack whore mother of the week" story that some kid couldn't see his mom because she tested positive on her drug test and the court told her to come back and visit her kid when she was clean.

That being said, I am a crappy mother.

Let's start with the vacation eating rules. I feel that when on vacation, The Boy should not be required to eat his usual daily recommended allowance of five servings of fruits and vegetables. His ...
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Posted by Kristen at 8/28/2006 11:04 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
In the words of Duckie, I believe a "Touche" is in order

My 8 year old niece Mada bought 50 glow bracelets and 50 glow necklaces online and sold them last night at the Movie at the Park in her town. This is her first step toward world domination, filling Warren Buffet's shoes and probably becoming president of the United States. She called at 9:15 to tell me how it went. She sold EVERY SINGLE ONE. Clearly my father's genes have continued in the family. She made $75. Not too shabby.

My sister got on the phone to tell me that it started out pretty dicey but once it got dark, ...

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Posted by Kristen at 8/25/2006 8:30 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
The differences between men and women
This morning I heard my husband get on our very crickety old scale after he got ready. I jumped up to share in the glory as I was responsible for starving him in the manner to achieve this accomplishment.

D:  I gained weight?????

I came around the corner to find him standing on the scale, wearing his heavy duty khakis, a polo shirt, his brown boots and carrying his laptop.

Rank amateur.

K:  Give me your 7 lb. laptop (which it is). Subtract AT LEAST 3 pounds for the boots. How about now?
D:  oh.
...
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Posted by Kristen at 8/24/2006 8:13 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
"May the Lord bless you and keep you..."
I shouldn't complain really. I mean, The Boy decided a few days ago that if his mother won't get on the bandwagon, then he'll just potty train his own bad ass self. So for 2 days, approximately every 4 minutes, he is peeing in his little potty in front of the fireplace. As it is summer, it is a less desirable location than it sounds but at least I can see him from my permanent position on the couch.

I shouldn't complain really. This morning he took off his diaper, went over and sat down, grunted twice and ...
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Posted by Kristen at 8/23/2006 7:37 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Snakes in the Drain

We have issues at our house regarding the drain in the tub. There. I can say it. Now that the rat bastard who SAID he would buy our house if he could sell his house figured out that selling a house isn't very easy now, is it, and requested a do-over. So all those problems that we have been covering with a little paint here and a little turning off the faucets there can now be discussed in the open. Because the house is never going to sell and I am going to have to live in this little shoebox ...

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Posted by Kristen at 8/22/2006 2:15 PM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
What we have here is a failure to communicate
Yesterday I was sitting in church and found myself staring at an LCD screen on the wall with numbers flashing up every few minutes. I have been wondering about these screens scattered along the walls of church for, I don't know, like 5 years now. As I sat there, staring at the screens and not paying attention in church because I have the attention span of a flea these days, I decided that today was the day I was going to ask someone why the screens were on the wall.

We used to take Ethan into church with us but those days are ...
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Posted by Kristen at 8/21/2006 8:30 AM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
You are going to have to fight me for the last of the Bounty, sister...
On Friday I went over to my sister's house after my doctor's appointment to a) retrieve my son and b) see my mother while she was in town for Madeleine's 8th birthday party last night. Jen left to run some errands and Mom and I jumped up to clean up while she was gone. A virtually futile effort considering there were like 5 kids in the house.

I went into the bathroom to survey the situation. I find the bathroom is the easiest room in the house to clean and feel that instant gratification of a job well ...
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Posted by Kristen at 8/20/2006 9:38 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
We aren't on speaking terms, but damn is he hot
My husband isn't really speaking to me. And this has nothing to do with the fact that I blogged about how he wouldn't separate out the nasty banana Tums from the regular, civil Tums.

I put him on a diet. As if this is not evil enough, said diet includes the "no-alcohol-during-the-week" edict. It is as if I have taken out a Bowie knife and slit him from ear to ear.

I have done this for his own good. This has nothing to do with the fact that BEFORE I got pregnant and in the midst of ...
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Posted by Kristen at 8/19/2006 8:18 AM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
"Today is the greatest... day I've ever known"
Today is a day I was dreading. It was the first doctor's appointment after the end of the first trimester. A day when you most dread getting on a scale because frankly you have been doing whatever it takes to just get by. Any of you who have been pregnant before know the dread of getting on the scale. Because with the scale comes the lecture. Yet even in this dark hour, I have found a ray of hope.

A doctor's office that has the scale in the bathroom. Where you take your own weight behind a locked ...
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Posted by Kristen at 8/18/2006 11:11 PM | View Comments (5) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
You think after 2 marriages, the guy would know when to keep his mouth shut
But he doesn't.

A couple of nights ago I was complaining about feeling like I was going to throw up. It hovers right in my throat. Frankly,  I haven't brushed my teeth in almost 4 months and I don't care. Apparently he doesn't care because he gave me "The Look" the other night, right after I had gone on my daily tirade of "when am I going to feel better and I thought I would be beyond this by now."

K:  Excuse me?  I don't think so.
D:  I know, baby. I'm not saying anything. I know ...
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Posted by Kristen at 8/16/2006 10:53 PM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Oh my GOD the child is getting even more teeth
It's not possible, I know. But the kid has had his hand in his mouth for 2 weeks. His entire hand. I can only imagine how comfortable it is to go around with your entire hand in your mouth.

And then the drooling started. He would just stand over me when I was lying on the couch, drooling, drooling, drooling. There is nothing that an ill pregnant woman likes better than to have a mouthful of toddler drool running down the front of her shirt. The shirt that she has been wearing for two days because she just didn't ...
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Posted by Kristen at 8/15/2006 9:23 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Because I have already mastered the art of shoveling crap,
I have decided that the carnival skill that would be most beneficial for me to learn now is knife throwing. Think about it. At any given moment, when faced with the right situation, one quick flick of the wrist and Derek's boxers could be nailed to the wall. Just his boxers, nothing else. Although nailing The Boy's shorts to the wall sound attractive every once in a while.... ...
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Posted by Kristen at 8/14/2006 8:27 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
What have I gotten myself into this time?
I really have to step. away. from. the. Oreos. Do you know why, people? (she points her finger accusingly). Because despite what Madison Avenue tells you, Oreos will not make you happier. Oh, you may have the rush of the O-R-E-O jingle in your head as you dunk that chocolate-esc product into your fat free organic milk that you bought to accompany said Oreo's. You know, to offset the laundry list of preservatives in the cookies. Oh, like sin, it will feel good for a while. But then the guilt will set in.
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Posted by Kristen at 8/13/2006 7:16 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
When the allure of the Bachelor Party has lost its appeal
D called me a little while ago to say he had finally made it to Atlantic City, or as we are affectionately referring to it, Sin-ette City. It only took 5 hours. I would like to take this opportunity to say "I TOLD YOU SO." Having spent more than a couple of summers at the shore, I have personal knowledge that driving to any beach on the Jersey shore between the hours of 11 and 3 will result in stop-and-stop traffic. When I brought this up to the bachelor party participants, I was pooh-pooh'd. Because you know, men know better.
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Posted by Kristen at 8/12/2006 7:49 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Random Conversatons
K:  Do you think I am a baby-making factory?
D:  No, I think you are a smallish boutique-style manufacturing company that focuses on quality rather than quantity.


K:  Do you have something to say to me?
D:  (with that look of fear starting to cross his face)  Do I have something to say to you?
K:  Do you have something to say to me?
D:  Should I have something to say to you? (with fear that is now palpable)
K:  Do. You. Have. Something. To. Say. To. Me?
D:  Am I sorry for something?  Sorry???  I'm sorry for ...
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Posted by Kristen at 8/11/2006 8:58 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Unable to function, and I find myself stuck with a toddler on crack
It's coming at me left and right. So maybe the best way to tell all the people in my life that I love that I was having yet ANOTHER child was better left to direct contact rather than over the internet. The phone calls (Marelle: I had to READ about your pregnancy on the INTERNET and I talked to you 2 days ago!!!!!!--this coming from the woman that didn't tell anyone that she was pregnant with her 2nd until
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Posted by Kristen at 8/10/2006 9:17 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Having missed the Boob boat...
I realize that it happened over a week ago, and that I saw a copy of the magazine, but I missed the scandal. And now there a nursing picture on hundreds of blogs. Every where you go, there are boobs. Derek suggested I post a picture San Francisco photographer Lucy Hilmer took of me nursing Ethan (by a window in the lobby bar--the only thing missing was a red ruby martini in my hand and perhaps doing it in on the piano rather than while sitting in the oversized chair). I told him that it may seem odd that ...
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Posted by Kristen at 8/8/2006 9:36 PM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Oh the fabulous women you'll meet

OK, so it's a week and a half late, but, what the hell? 

Special thanks to my sister for clarifying below that Maggie actually said that we may have had SEX on the exact same day rather than we CONCEIVED on the same day. You can see how I could have gotten those confused, seeing as it was the second sentence out of her mouth after meeting her. Don't get me wrong. I am a big proponent of talking about "the somethin' somethin" with strangers. I ...

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Posted by Kristen at 8/8/2006 1:08 PM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
It's just safer to act as if a black bear is living in the house
Yesterday I was changing The Boy's nasty-assed diaper and I noticed a very unusual thing. A perfectly oval sticker with a sku number and "Grown in the USA."  This prompted an immediate phone call.

K:  Did you give The Boy a plum last night?
D:  No, I didn't GIVE the boy a plum. Why?
K:  Because I found a disturbingly intact sticker in his poop and I am sure that when I gave him a plum yesterday at lunch that I took the sticker off. In fact, I remember specifically taking the sticker off because as I read it, I ...
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Posted by Kristen at 8/4/2006 8:56 AM | View Comments (5) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
My Blogher post is coming tomorrow
I can't get ANYTHING done.  I am studying for my last test (hopefully ever) and the only *&^%ing thing standing between me and the title Esquire. I was going to swear, but after an in depth conversation with Rachel (right before the shots celebrating her 30th birthday) about being a responsible parent who is not a hypocrite, I find myself typing the symbols instead. Oh how Blogher will change you...

So you'll have to wait until tomorrow to hear about the illustrious and gorgeous Maggie Mason greeting me with "So Jen tells me you are 10 to 11 weeks ...
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Posted by Kristen at 8/3/2006 6:10 PM | View Comments (6) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
HIs only job is to keep the boy alive

His only job is to keep the baby alive

I don't see why it has to be so difficult.

It started on Saturday. I was supposed to go to a bridal shower and of course had not wrapped the present until 15 minutes before I was supposed to leave. I stacked the presents high on the bed and wrapped them with ribbon as D and E watched. E lunged forward and his father watched him rip the wrapping off one of the presents.

K: HELLO!!! What are you ...
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Posted by Kristen at 8/1/2006 12:59 AM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Oh, you can't take The Boy anywhere

Special thanks to Heather for making me feel like the pretty girl at the prom and inviting us to share a table with the cool kids. And while she threatened to rip my "Stay at Home Blogger" tshirt from my body, I apparently forgot to mention that I am selling them for $15 over at Baby Brewing. She will get one for free because she is so very nice and she was the very first person to tell me that she had read my blog.

Other than the fact that The Boy is ...

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Posted by Kristen at 7/28/2006 3:43 PM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Revising my opinion of Blogher
I've changed my mind. Blogher isn't like the first day of high school. It's like being a TRANSFER student changing high schools mid-year, the week before prom.

It took us a hundred years to arrive yesterday, but we are finally here. It was ugly to say the least (like we don't know that "there's lots of turbulence, so I'll have to keep the seat belt sign on for 3 hours" and then there is no turbulence, is only a ploy so the flight attendants can yack it up in the back, and then read the latest US Weekly and yell at people ...
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Posted by Kristen at 7/28/2006 10:34 AM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
It's like high school, only worser
So I am leaving for BlogHer tomorrow. Oh, no, according to my clock, that would be today.

I'm leaving for BlogHer today.

As I have taken a few spare moments to peruse some of the bloggers attending, I have noticed a common theme.

Pedicures, manicures, new hair styles, new hair colors, new wardrobes.

I called up my sister, also attending, to discuss this phenomenon.

K:  It's like the first day of 10th or 11th grade.
J:  Oh, yeah. Hey, I can't talk long because I'm going to Andry to get my hair cut.
K:  ...
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Posted by Kristen at 7/27/2006 12:52 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Using my supersensory powers for good rather than evil
So I'm laying on the couch yesterday with my feet propped on my husband. Ever since we have been trying to sell the house, we put all our furniture into storage so that prospective buyers would enter our humble abode and not realize that it is a 1400 sq ft. shoebox. That means that only one person can lie down on the couch and the other person has to squish into the corner of the couch and prop his feet on one of The Boy's toys, where an ottoman used to be.

So I'm lying there yesterday when ...
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Posted by Kristen at 7/24/2006 10:15 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Vacation, vacation, oh, who the hell am I kidding?
Tomorrow we leave for 10 days in Idaho. If you are one of the three people that read this blog and you would like to hear about how my vacation is REALLY going with the fam, email me at babybrewingco at gmail dot com and I'll send you the link to the vacation blog. I promise it will be TEN TIMES BETTER than last year's debacle (see www.cookiesdelight.blogspot.com, August archives). This year promises more nickels in the dryer and at least one time that I get caught sitting on the throne because I forgot to lock the door. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 7/7/2006 9:45 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
You'd never know it by looking at him
D:  Where are you?
K:  We are on our way to IKEA for the annual buying pilgrimage before our trip to IdaHO.
D:  What are you getting?
K:  I'm getting one of those cheapy knives so we have something sharper than our fingernails that will cut bread.
D:  Good call.
K:  I think it's $1.56. But don't worry. I'll be keeping the receipt so I we can ask the rest of the family for their portion.
D:  HA!  Hey, why don't you pick up 6 or 7 extra knives.
K:  For? 
D:  We could drop them in ...
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Posted by Kristen at 7/3/2006 8:40 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Things you will never hear me say

1. No, no, no, Buddy. Don’t use your words to tell me what you want. I like your whining so much better.

2. Baby, I hope you NEVER get off my lap. I love it when you plaster yourself to my chest and try to kick the laptop off my legs. I would MUCH RATHER snuggle you for 24 hours a day than get anything done.

3. There is just not enough dog hair in this house. Could someone please brush the dog so we can have the nice feel of fur between our toes as ...

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Posted by Kristen at 7/1/2006 9:42 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Cramming for the big Toddler Intelligence Test (otherwise known as the TIT)
T minus 12 days until we see Nana on vacation. Luckily I realized this two days ago, along with the fact that I am a stay at home mother whose child can only say, "this," "that," and a bunch of other words that mean something but no one knows what.

Derek was taking E upstairs for his bath and I freaked out...

K:  You have to COUNT as you go up the stairs. ONE, TWO, THREEEEEEE!
D:  Uh, why?
K:  For heaven's sake, his cousins knew the elements of the periodic table by 16 months. Ethan thinks "Bwa" ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/29/2006 5:58 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
What we have here is a failure to communicate
We have issues over here at Chateau Cookie. Apparently The Boy has decided that English is not going to be his primary language and that the rest of us should just get on board with that.

I was on the phone the other day with B in the car and suddenly there was insistent wailing....

E:   LA!!!   LLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
K:  Do you want your La?
E:  LA!
B:  What's La?
K:  Water. Or Milk. It's interchangable. And since we only give him water or milk, I guess "La" could also mean "drink." 
B:  Excuse me?  Do you ever, ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/26/2006 8:36 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
You cannot make this @#$% up
Last night was my final night of my web design class. THANK GOD!  for the past 6 weeks I have been working on the redesign for www.babybrewing.com . Working on my time between 10 pm and 5 am. My son is so very generous in sharing me. But I finally got most of it done yesterday (thanks to Dave, the web genius who looked at my code and said "ah, Kris, can I help you out here?"  OK, so I had dirty code. Sorry. I'm an amateur. Let's be honest. I took a community college class to learn how ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/23/2006 8:07 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Oh the sacrifices we make for the children
Today, after 3 (count them one, two, THREE) days of whining that finally resulted in The Boy handing me his shoes and pointing at the door at 10:30 this morning, I decided to STEP AWAY FROM THE LAPTOP!  SLOWLY, SSSSLLLOOOOWWWWLY.

I'm not exactly sure where he thought we should be going as he continues to use grunting as his major source of communication with a "THIS" thrown in occasionally to keep me off balance. So I took him to the local Alice in Wonderland playground in the ritzy mall across town. I figured he could climb around on ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/21/2006 11:06 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
When silence is not golden
I've been a painting fiend. What started out as changing the bathroom from YELLOWWWWW to yel-low has evolved into me walking around the house with a paint brush in hand, touching up this and painting all of that.

Unable to step away when I was still ahead, I started to paint the nasty back of the front door with the wall paint. Now before you painters get all up in arms, the lazy ass people who sold Derek did the exact same thing. Which of course makes it right. And yes I would jump off the Brooklyn Bridge if ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/10/2006 10:14 PM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
May God cut out my tongue and feed it to the dogs
Normally I would be referring to some comment that has come spontaneously out of my mouth and has resulted in a horrific situation where someone is not talking to me ever again. This does not pertain to this story (THANK GOD!!!)

Yesterday they dropped off gravel to revitalize our driveway. Someone offered to revitalize it by way of concrete, but I thought about the PERSONAL revitalization I could do for $15,000 rather than giving my driveway a facelift. So $200 gravel it is.

I made Derek order it because the guy was so very snotty when I ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/9/2006 9:23 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
But minty fresh breath is so alluring
This morning the boy got up and decided to wander the house. He really isn't supposed to do this as
1)  he is a small child and
2)  he doesn't have enough sense not to ingest household chemicals.

D:  Where is The Boy?
K:  He found your wallet and I think he is looking for you to give it to you.
D:  He can't have my wallet.
K:  Well actually he CAN have your wallet but I believe the correct terminology is that he SHOULDN'T have your wallet.
D:  (looking at me with a look that would suggest ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/8/2006 7:28 AM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
The torture of a growth spurt

I came home from school last night at 9:45 and walked into the house to find Derek on the couch and The Boy in his high chair.

D:  He's hungry.
K:  At 9:45 p.m.?
D:  He was screaming "MORE, MORE!!" repeatedly.

Of all the words in the world, the kid thinks that "more" means "food."  I can see a short bus in our future.

K:  Are you sure you didn't just get tired of trying to corral him so you locked him in his chair?
D:  I don't know what you are talking about.
...

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Posted by Kristen at 6/7/2006 10:36 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Maybe he didn't like the way I made his eggs that morning

D:  You need to watch The Boy now. He can reach the counter.

Yeah, whatever.

So I'm on the phone in the living room the other day and suddenly I feel like I am being stabbed. Because I was.

There was The Boy. Stabbing me in the leg with a paring knife. And giggling. Thank God it was a cheap-ass IKEA knife. I sure am eating my words now about all those times I complained that the damn thing couldn't cut a slice of Wonder Bread.

D:  So where did he get ...

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Posted by Kristen at 6/6/2006 8:25 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Ode to the Cannoli Omelette
The boys apparently survived their weekend together, without me.

Someone asked me if I missed the baby. "What baby?"  I replied. No, I really did miss both my boys for our 48-hour separation. The Boo and I spend all together too much time with each other and it's good for us to take a break. It is also good for Dad to see WHY Mom is always threatening to kill herself.

D:  He did pretty well, except he didn't eat his eggs the way he eats them for you.
K:  What do you mean?
D:  Well he just ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/23/2006 10:41 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
You gotta know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em

Yesterday when  I was trying to get ready to go, the Boo was following me around. I had to get myself ready to go and then I had to get everything ready so that D and the Boo would

a)  Not die of starvation (placing food out on the table with simple preparation instructions:  Open the jar and put the applesauce into the bowl.  Find a spoon. Put applesauce ON the spoon. Put the spoon in the baby's mouth. Repeat LIBERALLY. At least 3 times a day)

b)  Not go around naked (placing baby outfits on the ...

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Posted by Kristen at 5/19/2006 8:10 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Bethlehem, OH BETHLEHEM
I'm in Bethlehem. No, not the one in the middle east with Baby Jesus and all. Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Why are you in Bethlehem, you ask?
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Posted by Kristen at 5/19/2006 1:26 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
One of those days
That was today. You know those days. When you barely have the energy to breathe in and out, let alone be productive. We had a hectic weekend. It's not like we really did anything, but we stayed up late and got up early.

So when the Boo woke up early from his nap today, I crawled in beside him hoping that my comforting presence (yelling GO TO SLEEP NOW) would lull him back to slumber. And there I was, two hours later, sawing logs like Homer Simpson.

I'll give him credit. The boy tried to awaken me ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/15/2006 11:37 PM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Some days it's great to be a mom

The Boo refuses to say "Ma," "Mom," "Mama," or even "Beee-otch" to identify me as the all-sacrificing parent who has given everything short of her own life for his very well being and happiness.It's "DAD" this or "DAAAA" that.

So we play a little game here in this house. 

K:  Ethan, who is your favorite?  Mom or Dad?
E:  DAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDD!
K:  Ethan, who do you love more?  Mom or Dad?
E:  DAAADDD! (starting to laugh)
K:  Ethan, who is stinkier?  Mom or Dad? 
E:  DDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAADDDDD!  (giggling uncontrollably)
K:  That's right!  Ethan, who do you think should clean the kitchen?  Mom or ...

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Posted by Kristen at 5/14/2006 8:36 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Is it just me or is green getting too green?
Jen:    I got a gig writing an article about vacationing at home.
K:       That is so lame. I mean, it's great that you got the gig, but who the hell wants to vacation at home? You live there all the time.
Jen:    You know, it's for those people that want to refrain from driving their gas-guzzlers that are wrecking the  environment. For the people that want to put extra money into the pockets of people in their community.
K:       You mean give money to those people that give you sh#tty service Monday to Friday?  Give money to     those people on ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/11/2006 9:39 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
It's not really a wedding reception until...
1. Someone, in a drunken stupor, dances into the matron of honor and knocks her over--which results in the back of her size Zero dress splitting open. 2. You are lucky to be sitting next to the person who realizes for the first time that the song is saying "she thinks my tractor's sexy." 3. Someone who has clearly never had a singing lesson gets control of the karaoke microphone and sings along to "Dancing Queen."
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Posted by Kristen at 5/7/2006 11:59 PM | View Comments (5) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
There's anarchy afoot
There is a God in heaven because the Boo finally got his fourth molar. After all the wailing and knashing of gums/teeth, we are finally done if only for a little while. But with the molars comes the ability to chew. Sounds good, right?
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Posted by Kristen at 5/5/2006 11:40 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Startling Realization
While according to this article that says I am worth a $134,000 salary as a stay-at-home mom, apparently I spend less time doing housework than a working mother.

For those of you that have been to my house, this is not a surprise. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/4/2006 10:27 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
"Drivin' that train, High on cocaine"
"Trouble ahead, Trouble behind, and you know that notion JUST crossed my mind."

The first sign that you should just go back to bed and call it a day is when you find yourself waking up singing "Casey Jones," especially if you don't even KNOW what it is like to take cocaine. Or how to drive a train, for that matter.

We are a lazy people. I would just like to blame the entire American people for that, but I'm really just referring to everyone I know.

My friend B was notorious in the old days ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/4/2006 8:35 AM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Great Expectations
I have discovered, yet again, that I am a half-assed parent. Nana was here recently and she mentioned that the Boo is quite the little talker. I told her that he didn't speak. OK, so he says "THIS" and "THAT" and maybe a little "DAD" once in a while, but he doesn't communicate. Who was she kidding?
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Posted by Kristen at 5/2/2006 10:56 PM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Which is worse?
a) taking a toddler to DC Coast, or b) wearing jeans to DC Coast? I couldn't find anyone to watch the Boo Boo Kitty today so I ended up schlepping him to my lunch date with my friend Dave. Dave owed me a lunch because I convinced him to play hardball on salary with his new employer and the suckers bought it--giving Dave a sizeable raise that will promptly go to his child's $35,000 college education next year. As I cruised into the restaurant 15 minutes late, I was greeted with thinly-veiled looks of abject horror. Who brings a baby to a lovely restaurant for lunch?
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Posted by Kristen at 5/1/2006 6:06 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Defending a woman's right to choose, one shirt at a time
Well I got my first cranky email about my "Definitely not having a silent birth" maternity tee over at babybrewing. Rebecca from California writes, "Your Not having a silent birth is definitely NOT funny." Oops. I thought it was funny. Apparently it is definitely NOT funny. I have offended. Derek and I began to discuss this ad nauseum. Or I discussed it ad nauseum and Derek commented when he could get a word in edgewise.
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Posted by Kristen at 4/29/2006 10:36 PM | View Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Hello, Internet, I PASSED THE BAR EXAM!!!
I am now qualified by the state to be a slimy attorney!!!  Wooohoooo!   Thank you so much for all of your kind thoughts and prayers. I couldn't have done it without them and you.

Now go out and tell all your pregnant friends to buy shirts at www.babybrewing.com.

...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/28/2006 11:02 AM | View Comments (6) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Sesame Street Challenged

In the height of my patheticism, I just realized that Mr. Nudo on Sesame Street is actually Mr. NOOOOODLE. I would like to thank "B" for trying to tell me this 3 months ago even though I wouldn't listen.

K:  Hey, you know there is this funny guy now on Sesame Street named Mr. Nudo.
B:  What are you talking about?
K:  Mr. Nudo. He does everything that Elmo tells him to do. "Mr. NUUUUUDO."
B:  Do you know how disturbing it is that you sound exactly like Elmo?  Did we see this day coming?  And are you talking ...

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Posted by Kristen at 4/27/2006 8:57 AM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Living like the better half does
We are on a little va-ca. Someone at Derek's work wanted to off-load their timeshare in Williamsburg and let's be honest, it's not like I am doing anything at home. When we showed up to our collosal living space, we were pleasantly surprised to find a 25 person jacuzzi bath tub in the bathroom. With mirrors on every wall. I wonder what made them stop before the ceiling. Anyway, I waxed on to E about the wonders of the wealthy as it relates to jacuzzi bathtubs. K: Buddy, if Dad had kept his other job and Mom would get her lazy ass back to work, we could live in a house that had a big bathtub like this one. E: THIS!!
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Posted by Kristen at 4/26/2006 3:00 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
The moment you realize that the cat is out of the bag
My sister called to discuss my web design issues with Baby Brewing and it didn't take her long to ask me what was wrong. I mentioned that I was drunk and she brought it to my attention that it was 2:30 in the afternoon. I said that my in-laws were in town and that I had been drunk since dinner last night.

I would like to clarify that I was drinking WITH my in-laws and not BECAUSE of my in-laws. No really.

They have excellent taste in vino (except for when my mother-in-law adds water and ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/23/2006 6:08 PM | View Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Oh, do I have a topper story for you.
So we went to the bank to set up the account for Baby Brewing. Because I am unable to offload this child whenever I actually need to, there was the Boo right there with me as we talked to the Vice President of Financial Services.

As a side note, there were a LOT of people with big titles in the bank. Too many queens and not enough worker bees, if you ask me.

A very lovely girl, she ran off to make the deposit and left me and the Boo in her ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/22/2006 3:55 PM | View Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
I feel the need, the need for speed
This morning when I woke up I may have mentioned to my husband that maybe all I need was a little extra energy, a pick-me-up if you will, in order to survive. I was up in the middle of the night with insomnia but I had my trusty PMBR Constitututional Law CD #5 to put me right back to sleep. I am still dead though.

I like to occasionally make reference to my potential illegal drug use to my husband as he finds it most amusing. Having gone to a California school, he ...
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Posted by Kristen at 2/3/2006 10:12 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Talent on the other side of the Pond
Go over here to hear Martin's newest creation Stand Still. And remember when he is terribly famous, that you heard it hear first. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/20/2005 11:31 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Addicted to MXC
I'll admit it. I'm not ashamed. I watch SpikeTV. The common man's answer to the Lifetime Channel for women. SpikeTV is full idiotic programming designed to wheel men in. And the sleeper hit MXC has got me hooked.

It's a little like Mystery Science Theater 3000, except it is blatently mocking Japanese game show contestants (with lots of sex and potty humor in voice-over English) as they perform "grueling, ridiculous and hilarious stunts, all in the name of what they call 'fun' and we call humiliation." During these stunts, people ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/20/2005 11:29 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Family Restaurant still doesn't have cheddar cheese
We have been eating at "Family Restaurant and Pizzaria" (sic) for about forever. We used to go there on weekends B.E. for breakfast. A mediocre breakfast at best, but what can you expect from a "Pizzaria" anyway? I haven't had a decent breakfast since I left the Land of the Diners, New Jersey.

Without fail, Derek orders an omelette with many items. Kind of a western meets greek. And like clockwork, he starts out with..."I'll have an omelette with cheddar and (insert whatever).

The only problem is that "Family Restaurant and ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/20/2005 11:28 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Happy Father's Day to the father of my son
Derek,

For sneaking me an ounce of beer or wine once a week while I was pregnant...
For bringing me dinner at the library on the late study nights...
For cleaning the house when I just couldn't take it...
For carrying me upstairs when I had no energy at the end of the day...
For letting me sleep in on Saturdays and Sundays...
For holding my hair back as I threw up...
For cleaning the floor after the aforementioned incident...
For watching all six hours of Pride and Prejudice...
For buying all those pregnancy and parenting books from Amazon ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/18/2005 11:27 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
My apologies to all the single/married people without children
I have become one of THEM. You know those assholes who mows his lawn before noon on the weekend.

I remember when I was single and in my first year of law school. I would work all day, go to school all night. I lived for Saturdays when I wouldn't get out of bed until 5:00 p.m. It was me and 80's movies on TBS all day. If I heard any manner of lawn equipment prior to noon, I would lie in bed with a pillow over my head, convincing myself that ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/18/2005 11:26 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
The gift that keeps on giving
I had a conversation today with an unnamed person who told me that purchasing a Playboy isn't like purchasing a regular magazine that you are finished with once you read the articles....

The magazine was actually referred to as an investment.

Obviously solely a benefit for the owner and no one else....

So disturbing on so many levels. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/17/2005 11:24 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Flying squirrels
Robin wrote a post today about trying to not run over a squirrel. And while I found her benevolence touching, it reminded me of how much I really hate squirrels.

Last year we had a garden full of tomato plants. For those of you that know me, I am obsessed with tomato sauce and all manner of pasta. Derek, not so much. But ever since we started making fresh pasta he has come over to the dark side. Well, we started to have a little problem with half-eaten tomato plants on ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/16/2005 11:23 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Why must all parenting nightmares occur in public?
We took the Injured One to the orthopedist yesterday afternoon after Boo Boo Kitty and I spent a LOVELY day in AC with our friends Renee and Alex (who also fed us and entertained us!).

We found out that the Injured One has a crushed big toe. He is very put out by this because no one can actually do anything for him and why did we spend 4 hours at the ER the day before and an hour at the dr. office for someone to just clean ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/16/2005 11:22 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Thanks to all the well wishers...
The weather broke last night and the AC guy is coming today. WooHoo!! ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/16/2005 11:21 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
quick request
If you are a prayer, one who sends out positive thoughts or can will things to happen, please send out your requests that we can get an air conditioning person in here today. It's 8:00 am and it's already 83 downstairs. God only knows what it is upstairs.

What the hell did people do before air conditioning? ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/15/2005 11:20 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
How Vicodin can make the world a better place
So today was one of those days...

the AC went out officially, on the hottest day of the year so far....it's ok, though, because the not-so-nice (read cast-iron-bitch) at the heating/cooling place said she would send someone next Thursday. Like we all won't be dead by next Thursday. When she asked what was wrong, I said it sounded like Marine One was landing on the roof. She said, "So it's still working but it has a noise?" OK, dumb ass.

I cracked the screen of my laptop--again...

I missed my ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/14/2005 11:19 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Which is worse?
The miami nursing tank tops or the robe?

I just answered the door in my LLBean floor length terry robe that is so big I could fit 3 people in it. Only my ankles were showing.

There was my Muslim neighbor Sayed with cookies they had just made. Normally I am mortally offending him with my porn star boobs but I think that my bare ankles may have done him in.

I can't win. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/14/2005 11:18 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Michael Jackson--Not Guilty
I wonder if he has plans to meet O.J. for happy hour tonight. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/13/2005 11:16 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
"the poop bomb" aka "how-to-ruin-the-perfectly-delightful-lunch-in-a-single-bound"
D gave me a ring today and asked us to lunch. We had an errand to run, so we found ourselves at a lovely little restaurant for lunch.

Suddenly E started to get cranky. You would too, if a POOP BOMB went off in your pants. All over his clothes, car seat, Derek's hands. It was truly an overwelmingly disgusting incident. The snooty French people at the table across from us pretended that it wasn't (and we weren't) happening. You think that incidents like this would teach me to carry a diaper ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/13/2005 11:14 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
I didn't know how retro I was
until I got to B's house this weekend. We decided earlier last week that we would go up to Jersey for the weekend so her mom Gail could meet the baby and we could sneak across the river and get dinner at Tang while she babysat.

So we showed up late on Friday night. As is par for the course, E is a little cherub until 10 minutes before we get there. No complaints here since I wanted to cry about 3 hours earlier.

I took him into the house where B, ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/13/2005 11:12 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Conspiracy theories and such
For the record, the request for medication in the below post was for me, not Ethan. Thanks Marelle, for the intervention attempt. I will make you a BIG margarita on Saturday as an expression of my gratitude.

You know the old saying, it's not a conspiracy theory if it is actually happening? Trivial as it may seem, I discovered this morning that Graco MUST have some sort of thing going with Duracell because I had to put 4 more batteries into that cordless monitor in as many days. The good news is ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/9/2005 11:11 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
One dog's intelligence
Or lack thereof.

So we decided to can green beans tonight. Not ordinary green beans, but special ones that stick out of Bloody Marys on weekends. This would be a FABulous idea if I liked Bloody Marys. Or green beans, for that matter. But Derek has been inspired by Bonnie Moore (who we saw tonight, per chance, at Whole Foods, doing her personal shopping--she stopped to tell us we had a beautiful baby and I told her that my husband was stalking her via every class she teaches--just kidding, I figure ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/8/2005 11:09 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
where's the medication?
baby won't sleep. cranky because of lack of sleep. i'm....going....crazy..... ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/7/2005 11:08 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Words you never want to hear from your mother
So we were at Jen's house this weekend helping her move (ok, at this point we were just lounging around, doing nothing) when we had a baby-overheating incident. Explain to me how I am supposed to keep this kid cool without sticking ice packs under his arms on a hot day.

So he is whiny and someone gets the brilliant idea to stick him in the cooler. Derek went into the kitchen, put some cold water in it and brought it back outside. I stripped off what little clothes he had ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/7/2005 11:06 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Rock, Paper, scissors
Ever played rock, paper, scissors to get out of doing something and have someone pull, what they call dynamite, out of their pocket?

Work with me here. Wouldn't we call it "rock, paper, scissors, dynamite" then?

I don't know what the hell dynamite is supposed to beat, but my ass surely wasn't the one going downstairs to retrieve the baby monitor. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/7/2005 11:05 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
look who's choking now
I don’t like to talk politics. And I don’t like to write about anything that isn’t funny, but I have to comment on this Deep Throat debacle.

This is what “Deep Throat” Mark Felt said when interviewed.
"It would be contrary to my responsibility as a loyal employee of the FBI to leak information," he told journalist Timothy Noah six years ago, when questioned about his possible role as Deep Throat. I have to wonder how he managed to get that comment out without laughing.

But it’s the comments now about how Felt ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/5/2005 11:03 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Shout outs
Inspired by Robin, here are my shout outs for yesterday. A series of cheers and jeers, if you will.

To my beautiful son who awakened me this morning through the baby monitor at 6:12 am as he talked to the animals on his bumper after 6 hours and 57 minutes of glorious uninterrupted sleep, GOD BLESS YOU and I am truly sorry for the late night threats to sell you to a couple in Dupont Circle looking to adopt a child.

To Will, the maintenance salesman who tried to ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/3/2005 11:01 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
The scary truth
My neighbor Judy just yelled from across the street.

"I like your hair. It looks good."

I yelled back, "I washed it.

She just shook her head. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 6/1/2005 11:00 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
My best friend Mike
Who is Mike, you ask?

The UPS guy.

That's right. I'm on a first name basis with the UPS guy. Last year we almost invited him over for the annual Christmas party. Which we didn't have because I was pregnant and for some reason Derek refused to grill for 75 of our closest friends. He's so selfish.

Back to Mike. Just before I had Boo Boo Kitty, I was working from home a lot. Before I was so cruelly shafted by the federal government and left on my ass, without ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/31/2005 10:59 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
putting the baby to bed
OK, so this whole putting the baby to bed thing is a crock. I'm a lazy ass and I have been letting him fall asleep in my arms and then putting him down. Not successfully, but putting him down nonetheless.

So we thought we would try the No Cry Sleep Solution on my sister's suggestion. It should be the "No Sleep, Parents Crying" Solution. I have come to realize that the Ferberizers/Type A's of this world have made that choice because it is the quickest solution to the problem. I can't ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/30/2005 10:58 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Fence post holes and how to get out of work on holidays
We have a little problem with Zinni. He has decided that he would rather be anywhere but here. By nature Labs are not very loyal dogs to begin with because they will go with any person who says "good dog" and who will give them steak. Or treats. Or scraps of year-old crackers on the floor that made their way behind appliances but somehow are still able to be retrieved by the retriever. Or poop in the yard that may even be his. He's a whore. There are no two ways about it.
...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/29/2005 10:56 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Embarrassing questions parents will one day have to answer
My son's will be...

"Why are all the tips of my fingers flat?"

How does one answer that one was an idiot and could not operate baby nail clippers?

Derek says that this is not all bad, my permanently marring my son's hands. He says that it will protect him from detection should he choose a life of crime one of these days. You know, no fingerprints.

I hate to point out that scarred fingertips, barring complete obliteration of the whirls and ridges, are actually a great identification source. I am ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/28/2005 10:55 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Cultural diversity or pee?
I would really like to blog about my conversation with my BRAND NEW FRIEND that I met at Big Ray’s funeral today, but he was a bit stodgy about the whole blogging thing and practically made me swear that I would not mention him or any likeness of him that may be discovered by some random person in some random area of the world that will be brought up to him in conversation at a later date. For a person in a profession that requires a “look at me, look at me” attitude, I ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/25/2005 10:53 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Bodily functions and how someone else's is grosser than your own
I'm done with it. I realize that nobody wants to hear it and that I was determined to not be one of those mothers that spends a lifetime discussing bodily functions, but I don't think I can do it anymore. The pee, the poop and above all others, the spit up. It is so nasty. And why does it seem like I'm the only person that is grossed out so utterly and completely by my child?

Today I spent the day with my friend Adrian and her family to celebrate her graduation from ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/20/2005 10:51 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
SHE'S BAAAACK (and just in time to almost burn the house down)
I have decided that 18 days is a sufficient mourning period for the loss of one's occupation/career/identity. Byegones.

I decided yesterday to bake some chocolate chip cookies. I am an unemployed housespouse now so I figured I should act accordingly. That and I make bitchin' cookies. In fact, my cookies are so good that I would sell them and probably make a million dollars, except for the fact that there are all those zoning issues and you have to let a county inspector into your house to look around. I don't think the ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/20/2005 10:49 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
just when you thought life couldn't get any better
i used to think that getting a tick bite and ending up in urgent care because you are sure you are going to get lyme's disease could be one of the worst things that could happen in a day.

and then i lost my job... ...
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Posted by Kristen at 5/2/2005 10:48 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
One man's brilliance
I'll have to say that my husband has always astounded me with his knowledge and intelligence. I remember sitting in law school, listening to him tell the aged professors that they were wrong about some arbitrary legal theory. Back then he was just the blond guy at the end of the row that used to lean back when I walked by in order to cop a cheap feel. I usually agreed with him, but it was certainly never anything I could have come up with off the cuff.

But he has taken to ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/28/2005 10:47 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Giddy from the silence
Everyone is in bed. Even the damn dog. Everyone except me.

Today was one of those days that Ethan kept "eh, eh, eh"-ing and I couldn't get anything done. A little research on the computer and a trip to the post office to get a box application for the new business and two passport apps--a new passport for Ethan and a renewal for me. That's it.

Not too efficient a day since I then had to turn 8 lbs. of tomatoes into "gravy" and I was still at it ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/27/2005 10:46 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
You know you are a bad dog owner when...
There was a little incident with Zinni yesterday for which I am probably going to Dog Owner's Hell.

We had to take an unexpected 1 1/2 hour car ride yesterday and in order for ALL of us to go, we had to take the sedan. Derek wasn't giving his seat up beside the baby and Ethan was in the middle of the seat. The other side of the car seat is very small.

You got it. Zinni got to sit in the front seat beside me.

So he is ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/26/2005 10:43 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
WTF is up with the Farmer in the Dell?
You know all those other posts where people are deep thinkers? Not so much here.

The Farmer in the dell has been bugging me now for 72 hours. After catching myself humming Led Zeppelin to quiet the baby down, I thought perhaps I should use "age appropriate" music. You know, get into the groove of this whole baby crap.

I'm not sure where it came from (the depths of hell in retrospect) but I began singing the Farmer in the Dell to Ethan the other day. I didn't quite get ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/22/2005 10:41 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
My work here is done
I woke up in the middle of the night to Derek putting the comforter back on the bed because he was cold.

As I opened my eyes, I could see him staring intently at the comforter before putting it on, trying to make sure that the bamboo stems were facing the bottom of the bed and the leaves were facing the top of the bed. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/22/2005 10:39 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
The world has a new pope
The world has a new pope.

B and I had a running joke that Pope John Paul II (or JP2, as the college students in St. Peter's Square apparently like to call him) actually died about 8 years ago and that he was "Weekend at Bernies." If you looked really close you might even see the strings helping to move his arms. I personally blame this on the Vatican, because they forced him to speak at the window all those years and his lips never moved once.

My theory was dashed however ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/20/2005 10:38 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Phone conversation with Ginny about the pope and why you should NEVER bear big news on a cell phone.
My mom can't get news at her office. Unauthorized access of the internet or receipt of non-work emails is punishable by death. So I called to tell her about Benedict XVI.

GH--So, were you surprised that this one was picked?
KH--Well, he was the pope's bitch.
GH--The pope's snitch?
KH--The pope's BITCH.
GH--Pope's snitch?
KH--B-I-T-C-H.
GH--Oh, Kristen. You are so bad.

Come to think of it, the pope's snitch is probably fitting as well. ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/20/2005 10:36 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Oh, it's a plot against me
You know what they say, it's not a conspiracy theory if it is actually happening.

Derek called from his conference today, asking about our lunch plans. Baby E was down for the count, so I dropped his ass into his car seat, grabbed a bottle for the inevitable scream of hunger, and we were out the door. The cry started quicker than I thought, so there I was on 395, with my arm stretched across the seat trying to keep a bottle in the screaming baby's mouth.

We ended up meeting for ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/19/2005 10:34 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Babies and bars
First it was happy hour on Thursday. A dear friend was leaving the madness of the Fed and was leaving for a real job at another agency. We decided to celebrate at an outdoor restaurant/bar, a couple of blocks from the office. I told Derek that I would drive in, pick him up from work and he could take Baby E to Caribou Coffee while I got loaded up at HH.

Well, Derek decided to "swing by" HH to wish Dave well in his new job. The guys all asked him to sit ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/18/2005 10:31 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Presbyterianism and Beer
woke up early yesterday. I never understood before why Pache got up early when her kids would sleep til 8:30 or 9. Now I know. The house is so peaceful at 6 a.m. I found myself actually ironing Derek's shirts. Bizarre, I know.

Derek cruised into the room around 9.

"I'm ready for church." And there he stood in all his 6'3" glory. Wearing his beat-up shorts and his Christmas present from my wicked sister this year--"Beer is my new religion. Would you care to join me in a prayer?"

It ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/18/2005 10:30 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Everyone's got an opinion
You know, before I had a baby, I used to remember my sisters complaining about how strangers would stop them in the street or at the store to give them a word of mothering advice.

I had a bit of this myself when I was pregnant. When busted drinking a VERY SMALL glass of homebrew that Derek had carefully portioned out according to allowances by the New England Journal of Medicine's study on alcohol consumption during pregnancy, I had a friend ask if this was OK for the baby.

"I find ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/16/2005 10:27 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
the grilled cheese sandwich and the burning house
It started out innocent enough. We were all lying in bed, Ethan hooked up and Derek mesmerized by his latest beer-making book (something about radical brew-making). I was on the phone with B, discussing a whole lot of nothing. Suddenly I start to smell something burning. And unless Zinni had developed an opposing thumb and was whipping up a late night snack in the frying pan, something was REALLY not right.

I started to remark about it to B, hoping that Derek would take the hint. I guess I forgot the entire ...
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Posted by Kristen at 4/15/2005 10:25 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Baby Care 101
OK, talk about a funny day. Notwithstanding the night of NO sleep because Derek was snuggled up to me like a damn sherpa, causing my body temperature to hit about a million degrees, the highlight of my day, by far, was the Lamaze baby care class that we found ourselves in this morning.

I'm no expert, but I have changed a few diapers in my day. Mom said that this class would be good for Ethan's father. To get Mr. Overeducated/Overachiever there, I did have to tell him that this was the ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/8/2005 10:23 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Brewing Beer
Years of education and for some reason I have it in my head now that I should brew beer in the basement and sell it to the overpaid and overprivileged in NoVA and NW DC. I spent the day at my government job surfing the net for brewing supplies. My husband, always having to show me up, sent me an email with 10 links to places that sell the heavy duty equipment. I was sending him links to an aluminum pot that brews 20 gallons and he was forwarding the 465 gallon sets.
...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/4/2005 10:21 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)
Finding Jesus in Hallmark, the New Year and the void of Fantasy Football
First and foremost...what the hell is up with Christmas? Or should I say X-Mas, if I choose to be more accurate. Several weeks ago I dragged Derek to Target (beyond his "there-is-no-way-in-hell-you-are-getting-me-into-a-retail-establishment" cutoff date for Christmas.

"Come on. I'm just going to run in and look for Christmas cards. We'll be in and out of there in no time."

No verbal response, but his look suggests that my bold-faced lies will be greatly punished.

We head straight to the back of the store, but he is too frightened to go down ...
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Posted by Kristen at 1/2/2005 10:18 PM | View Comments (0) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (0)