This blog is only still here because I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MOVE THE STUFF TO THE NEW ONE! I'm not trying to torture you with the boring-ness of Kristen having YET ANOTHER BLOG. You people who are impatient with change (you know who you are--TARA), I promise this is the last move ever. Really. I have big plans for the other spot that cannot be fulfilled here.
Now go to www.mommyneedsacocktail.com. Go on. all this stuff will follow. I promise. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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If you are ending up over here, this is all old news.
Head over to www.mommyneedsacocktail.com.
I know that's what you thought you typed in. Don't ask. Just go. Now. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Babysitter: You know, I clocked the mileage yesterday down to the fence and back to the house.
K: How far?
Babysitter: ONE POINT ONE MILES!!!!!
K: On a tricycle.
Babysitter: (still shocked) He rode ONE POINT ONE MILES.
K: On a tricycle. And then we found out he had a 101.2 fever.
Babysitter: That was terrible.
K: And that was the second time he did it this week.
Babysitter: And he wants to do it again.
K: It's not like it's a flat road. There are hills, for heaven's sake. So how many revolutions do you think that is? It must be the equivalent to thousands and thousands. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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E: Mama, I talk on the phone to you.
K: Eat, I was downstairs making shirts. You were talking to me on the phone?
E: MAMA, I TALK TO YOU ON THE PHONE.
D: He was talking to somebody.
K: (incredulous that it clearly never crossed his mind to, I don't know, SEE WHO THE BOY WAS TALKING TO ON THE PHONE) Did you check to see who he was talking to?
D: Nah, by the time I got to him, he had moved on and was checking our voicemail messages.
K: So you think he was talking to someone but you don't know who it ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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E: Mama, today it's flag's birthday.
Uh, technically speaking, that was June 14th.
K: You told him it was the flag's birthday?
D: Yeah.
K: What happened to revolutions, taxation and excessive governmental interference? And I'm not talking about the sitting Congress.
D: I tried, but he wasn't following it very well.
E: Mom, I can't wait birt'day hats. I want birt'day hats for flag's birthday, Mama.
K: Eat, we don't have birthday hats for the flag's birthday.
E: Mama, I eat birt'day cake for flag's birt'day.
K: The kid told us which direction to turn to get home from the ice cream store last night. Don't you remember ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I used to ride my FIL's ass because he drank so much coffee. You know those doctors. Anything less than 7 cups is for the sissies. Everytime I would see him, he would drag out some silly study published in the New England Journal of Medicine about how coffee is going to cure cancer or make you look 30 years younger. The last time he came to my house, he pulled out a crumpled article (with coffee stains) about the great antioxident qualities in coffee.
Blah, blah, blah.
Until I embraced my very own pot of coffee at his house last weekend.
FIL: ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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K: OMG, The Baby was up from 10 am to 10 pm yesterday. The kid won't sleep.
Jen: Maybe it's the coffee.
K: Huh?
Jen: Maybe you need to just step away from the coffee.
K: You think that's it?
Jen: Uh, YEAH.
K: So you are saying the pot of coffee I'm drinking every day to keep me awake so I can keep The Boy from burning down the house is keeping The Baby awake?
Jen: You are drinking A POT OF COFFEE A DAY?
K: Actually, yesterday I drank a pot and then 3 cups at the diner so I guess that would be 7 cups ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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To spice it up a little, throw in three middle seats not even near each other, two family members with congestion, the woman three rows up with TB, and a husband who thinks that since he paid $670 for his seat, he should be able to watch "Breach" unmolested for 2 hours. On a plane. Because it's free and all.
Two hours.
Then rent a minivan with California plates. In Oregon. You can ask the nice lady at Alamo if you are going to get beat up for having a minivan with California plates and she will assure you that you will be ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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D: Can you see him?
K: Sort of. I can see his feet. Uh, now I can only see his shadow.
D: Can you see him now?
K: Nope, but I can see the door and that's his only way out.
D: Are you sure he is still there?
K: I can hear him banging around on the other side of the gumball machines. Suddenly the nice young man busing tables across the room made a motion to us with his hand.
K: You should definitely go get him. That guy is pointing. Maybe he left.
D: You think?
As my husband climbed out of the booth ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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As seen on dictionary.com
training--v. tr.
- To coach in or accustom to a mode of behavior or performance.
- To make proficient with specialized instruction and practice. See Synonyms at teach.
- To prepare physically, as with a regimen: train athletes for track-and-field competition.
- To cause (a plant or one's hair) to take a desired course or shape, as by manipulating.
- To focus on or aim at (a goal, mark, or target); direct. See Synonyms at aim.
- To let drag behind; trail.
As, is the ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| check my pictures out here. They are giving away a trip to Blogher and the more popular you are, the better your chances... ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Here we have it, people. You are witnessing Day #2 of "the-first-diet-Kristen-has-ever-done." Except for that pesky 6 year stretch of anorexia in high school and college, but who really considers starvation as a diet?
I'll spare you the weight loss ticker but I'll let you know that I have 23 pounds to lose. 17 pounds until my "damn-you-look-fine" weight.
23 pounds to my fighting weight. 23 pounds until my "you'd-better-watch-your-husband-cause-he's-gonna-be-CHECKIN'-ME-OUT" weight. .
My inspiration is a number of things. The pictures of my fat ass being plastered over the Internet after Blogher Business, for one. You people who propogated that cruelty, ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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The internet is SO SMALL that your by-far favorite Match.com boyfriend with whom you have not conversed in, oh, I don't know, 5 years, finds you by googling "half-assed parenting." And despite your clever concealment of your identity and relying on the fact that your life is such a mere shell of what it used to be, said by-favorite Match.com boyfriend comments on your blog that he knew it was you.
Oh, Internet, it is clear that I am the person in this blog.
Hi, tvtown. Congrats on the impending arrival of your baby! Stay tuned for more tips on half-assed parenting. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I bring this up because today shall hereby be referred to as "The Day The Boy Finally Decided to Use the Bathroom in Lieu of Stinking Up the Whole Damn House." He didn't really decide to do it on his own. I am just holding his diapers hostage.
And boy is he pissed off.
E: I wanna wear my DIAPER.
K: Uh, no.
E: DIIIIIIIIIII-A-per.
K: Let me think...... uh, no.
I can't do it anymore. If, when I am discussing with your father whether or not we should go get i-c-e-c-r-e-a-m and you say, "I go eye cream, Mama," I think it's safe to say ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I'm sitting at my breakfast table/dining room table/didn't someone buy this for a desk-table, drinking a White Russian. I have just gotten off the phone with my 2 year old son who was singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the 7th inning stretch. Feel free to look at the time stamp again... He was cracked out on peanuts, popcorn, cotton candy, cracker jacks, hot dogs and soda. I fear he may need blood replacement therapy to totally detox.
Back to the White Russian. As I sit here sipping my white russian (which, if I may say, is so ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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it's a lovely house.
Funny thing about foreclosure houses, the owners can kinda see it coming (what with not paying the bills and all)so they do crazy things like eat dinner directly off the carpet. Electric blue carpet. it's hot in an '80's kinda way.
After 5 hours on the cell phone over the last week, i have come to the realization that Com-effing-castic was the way to go. Verizon has made me do crazy things like throw a wet diaper at my son and stick my entire head in a sink full of cold water in order to keep myself from ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Enough said.
Back to packing... ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| The picture is for you, Britt. I knew you would be dying to know how they looked. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| I'd have to say it was a pretty uneventful weekend. How was yours? ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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It will be refreshing for all of you to hear that my whining is getting on my last nerve too. I'm officially on sabbatical from whining and complaining.
Septic tank has to be dug up and the bank won't even let us do it before closing to make sure that someone else's crap isn't backing up on us the first time we flush? Who cares? Multiple hornet's nests in the attic when husband was at the home inspection? It's not like he got stung and died. Ancient heat pumps that don't function? It's summer, for heaven's sake. The lawn was mowed ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| I'm a food nazi when it comes to my babies. When Ethan was born, I put it right out into the universe that he was going to survive on boo until he turned 6 months old. It was actually a form of torture for my in-laws. My FIL bemoaned that fact that I wouldn't let The Boy suck on a chicken wing when he was 5 months old. This, of course, was before my SIL gave The Boy his first unwashed carrot at the supermarket (not to be confused with the pizza crust the next night and a sip of ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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This morning was the home inspection at Baby Boom. Luckily for me, it's not difficult to wake up at 5:30 a.m. when you have been up since, I don't know, around 2:30 a.m. We were all up and running in no time.
To a locked house. That's right. After our 45 minute drive, we (along with our real estate agent and the home inspector) discovered that the lock box has time constraints. So despite the seller's agent knowing we were coming at 8 a.m., the house was locked up tighter than a bug in a rug. Right before the home inspector ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| First off, to The Boy, who decided today to rip off his diaper in a motion that could have been confused as a Chippendale's move (not that I would know personally, of course), I could have done without the CRAP ON THE FLOOR. Sure the timeout/spanking/screaming may have been excessive punishment but did you really think that ripping off a poop-filled diaper and flinging it at your brother in his swing was going to get any less a reaction from me? Really? 'Cause as the nuggets flew through the air and onto the carpet (the only carpet in the WHOLE ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| Everyone knows how I feel about potty training. It's not like I'm against it. It's just that I don't like to be told that NOW IS THE TIME and WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU and IF YOU DON'T DO IT NOW HE'LL BE CRAPPING HIS PANTS IN HIGH SCHOOL. He is 27 months, for heaven's sake. The problem is, he is well on his way to potty training himself. I say, "Hey, have at it."
Pampers decided that it would assist in the potty training process by coming up with this little gem. |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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This collossal Baby Boom is the new Chateau Cookie.
I'm off to IKEA to buy curtains for 700 windows. Wish me luck! ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| Yeah, motherhood has made me soft. It is clearly evident on my lack of negotiation skills in my real estate endeavors. In the old days, I would have put all my money on the number 8. I would have then rolled an 8 six times, taken nearly all my money off the table and then thrown a 7 and crapped out. These days I feel like I'm throwing a 7--every single day. Every day is one day closer to sleeping with my husband and two kids on a queen size mattress on the floor of my ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I'm going to ignore the fact that in 17 days I will be homeless and that the bank that owns the McMansion that we are trying to buy came back after 3 days with a counter offer of 75 cents less than the list price and their real estate agent asked for more time to talk some sense into them (which was last Thursday) and still there is no word. Let's move on to why we are all really here--to read about my poor parenting skills.
K: Are you taking a shower soon?
D: Yeah, why?
K: Can you take the baby in ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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'elp me, 'elp me, 'EEELLLLPPPP MEEEEEEE, MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAA!
I looked over to see The Boy trying to pry open the doors to a little silver car.
K: Ethan, nothing opens up on that car. It's a Matchbox. The doors don't open, the hood doesn't come up. Nothing.
E: I just need the keys, Mama.
And I venture he would add "a keyless remote" if given enough time...
... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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So I'm sitting on my couch trying to decide how exactly to spend my 1 hour and 55 minutes without the Tornado when The Baby starts to cry.
Before I can stop myself, I reached for the remote control and pushed fast forward.
No lie.
... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Note to self:
If you are trying to help a friend out by forwarding on her resume, make sure that in addition to cleaning up all your conversations, you CHANGE THE INAPPROPRIATE SUBJECT LINE.
You wouldn't want the recruiter to get his hopes up that maybe HE was getting a better job than the one he is sporting now.
... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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"Mrs. Derek, I installed the new electrical panel box and now that I have completed that work which will cost you $1300, I have found that the OLD WIRING in the kitchen trips the ground every time so if you want GFCI circuits installed, I will have to rewire the kitchen AND the dining room. The dining room too because it's on the same circuit."
That will only cost $600. I think.
Did I mention that our offer on the house was summarily rejected? Not even a "no, thanks."
The Boy watched the Blueberry episode of Dora and for hours was saying "I ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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My husband is a pack rat. If you know him, you are laughing right now, thinking, "pack rat is putting it nicely." For heaven's sake, the man would have his gall stones in a jar on a shelf in the basement if Dr. John had given them to him.
He is incapable of throwing anything out.
When my sister helped me organize the house about 3 years ago, she commented that she came across a picture of him with his first wife and his sister and her first husband.
"Do you want to see it?"
I'll pass. OK, maybe I peeked. I ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Derek was outside mowing the lawn when we got the call that Hottie Batottie did in fact sign the paper to remove the contingency and to put the "Window Horror" into our hands for immediate attention and corrective measures prior to closing.
I must say that going from $4000 of required repairs to $2000 of repairs was quite a relief. And Derek determined that we only have to borrow Cath's lawn mower ONE MORE TIME before a May 24'th closing. I'm thinking we may have 2 more mows in our future.
We celebrated by drinking homemade margaritas and when The Boy ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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This is the post where I am forced to retract all the evil things I said about my buyer. Apparently he just feared for his life with the windows in our house and he was led to believe that they would need to be replaced. OF COURSE he isn't trying to milk us for 2 grand and he just is safety-conscious and wants the windows fixed.
As soon as the contract is signed (supposedly tomorrow), I will rest easier. Now I am just milking an ulcer waiting to see if our incredibly low offer on a McMansion is accepted. Before ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I know I was a fantastic plug for the Cinnamon Vanilla Bacon, I mean Cinnamon Vanilla Home Fragrance Spray just three weeks ago when I attempted to cover the smell of bacon in my house. But I must say that I have found a new Bath and Body Works product that exceeds even that one.
After lying in bed with 2 hours of insomnia thinking about how I are going to deal with these crazy people that are either trying to get out of their contract OR are just trying to be sure that my son ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| That was Jen's brilliant idea.
Just because the hottie batottie's real estate agent said I was messy and that I would never sell my house unless I cleaned up and then I did all this work on the house that his client never saw before he put in the contract for $37,000 under list, Jen said that maybe when it came to the home inspection, someone would suddenly develop a soul.
HA!
In keeping with my real estate experiences |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Because when your Sony VAIO comes, you may find yourself inexplicably telling the DHL delivery guy that you are so happy you could kiss him on the lips and when he stares at you in abject horror, you won't even care. AND I'M BACK IN THE GAME!!! ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Nothing like a little biking weather to make a sister go out and get a fancy-shmansy bike.
... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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First you need a little hot water, because who wants to get into a cold pool?
... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Rusty nails in paint.
Is this love that I'm feeling?
Day care looking good.
Soaking wet bedding.
But I just changed that diaper.
Never buy Target.
Live for tomorrow.
My new computer coming.
Back to my old life.
And what won me a "major award" over at www.notesfromthetrenches.com (thanks, Chris),
Taxes due today.
Should have kept better records.
I hope I like jail. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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K: Do you think it's odd when, before seeing your house, and then after seeing your house, someone asks how soon you can move out?
D: Yes, but what did you tell him?
K: I told him that we could move out as soon as he needed us to.
D: That's good.
K: He said he'd call tomorrow. I guess I shouldn't get excited because that's what the last 6 people said. And how about Hottie Batottie? He came to see the house 3 times in one week. If I had been dating him, I would have been taking a shower EVERY SINGLE DAY, ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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If you poke me one more time with that screwdriver, you are going in time out. Your brother's foot does not bend that way. DON'T YOU DARE (click) lock me in the basement again.
I can't bribe you to pull weeds but you can't seem to leave the damn tomato plants alone.
You can't run down the street in a diaper in 50 degree weather.
Stop putting your fingers in your brother's ear (or mouth, or nose, or eyes).
Get down from the top of that cabinet right now.
Why is there a gallon of milk ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Mostly naked boy,
Full of too much energy,
Diaper falling down.
Lanes ending merge left,
Three lanes closed during lunch rush,
Too hard for morons.
Crying baby boy,
Brother trying to burn down house,
Mom is certifiable.
Friend said Xanax saves,
Still screaming at crazy kids,
She should try drinking.
Forty-five degrees.
The news promised spring weather.
Why is it so cold?
Web host dropped Mommy's site.
For not paying 3 dollars.
Bastard big business.
Husband getting hot.
Got birth control prescription.
No baby worries.
... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| When I woke up this morning, I asked my husband if he thought anyone would show up unannounced to see the house today. Which means, should I get my lazy ass moving and clean up? It's not like we were going to church this morning or anything. At my church, they told us to either come to church on Saturday night or at 7:15 a.m. on Sunday morning so as to not clog up the parking lot. I was worshipping at the Church of Ikea last night so that was out and I love God and all, but I'm thinking he'll ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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K: But I don't KNOW how the "extensive water damage" got in my computer and I don't want to lie.
Sony Tech: Ma'am. We aren't asking you to lie and we don't WANT you to lie. If you don't know how it happened, we can file a claim about what may have happened. Sometimes if you just walk though something again, you may be able to remember something you had forgotten. Do you have any children?
K: A 2 year old boy. Can you hold on a second? (Ethan, stop eating that styrofoam!)
S.T.: Where do you keep your laptop normally?
K: On ...
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| but can I just take a moment to say that when Don from Sony support called to say there was extensive water damage to my laptop and that the underwriters need a REASON for the water damage, it felt disturbingly like the time I was on the phone with the cell phone insurance trying to get a new phone and they told me I had extensive water damage after that one miniscule snowflake landed on a contact. Not to be confused with the time The Boy put my cell phone into the gin and tonic. I fessed up to that ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| or maybe it was the Irish Lottery scheme I was running. But my husband reset the modem and I have a new random IP address that does NOT keep me out of my blog and every other important website in my life. I would like to say that 6 days without internet access has resulted in a sparkly clean house or only clean clothes but it is not so. We are 90% done with the repainting, rescreening, redooring of the porch though. The project that was supposed to take 2 days. huh.
My husband came home from a work-related conference yesterday with 3 free packets of Starbucks coffee |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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"Hey, is there any way you can milk yourself tomorrow and give us a bottle so you guys can go out alone?"
Uh, sure??? ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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My laptop died today. It was deathly ill yesterday, but it just gave up the ghost today. I feel as if there has been a death in the family. Not an immediate relative
but some distant very elderly relative that lived a good life, was kind to animals and small children, and was a great contributor to society.
I spent hours and hours on chat with the Sony technicial "Kevin" last night, who refused to just give me the phone number to cash in on my extended warranty. Not to be confused with
when I was chatting with "Corey" about my laptop ... |
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