This blog is only still here because I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MOVE THE STUFF TO THE NEW ONE! I'm not trying to torture you with the boring-ness of Kristen having YET ANOTHER BLOG. You people who are impatient with change (you know who you are--TARA), I promise this is the last move ever. Really. I have big plans for the other spot that cannot be fulfilled here.
Now go to www.mommyneedsacocktail.com. Go on. all this stuff will follow. I promise. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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If you are ending up over here, this is all old news.
Head over to www.mommyneedsacocktail.com.
I know that's what you thought you typed in. Don't ask. Just go. Now. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Babysitter: You know, I clocked the mileage yesterday down to the fence and back to the house.
K: How far?
Babysitter: ONE POINT ONE MILES!!!!!
K: On a tricycle.
Babysitter: (still shocked) He rode ONE POINT ONE MILES.
K: On a tricycle. And then we found out he had a 101.2 fever.
Babysitter: That was terrible.
K: And that was the second time he did it this week.
Babysitter: And he wants to do it again.
K: It's not like it's a flat road. There are hills, for heaven's sake. So how many revolutions do you think that is? It must be the equivalent to thousands and thousands. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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E: Mama, I talk on the phone to you.
K: Eat, I was downstairs making shirts. You were talking to me on the phone?
E: MAMA, I TALK TO YOU ON THE PHONE.
D: He was talking to somebody.
K: (incredulous that it clearly never crossed his mind to, I don't know, SEE WHO THE BOY WAS TALKING TO ON THE PHONE) Did you check to see who he was talking to?
D: Nah, by the time I got to him, he had moved on and was checking our voicemail messages.
K: So you think he was talking to someone but you don't know who it ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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E: Mama, today it's flag's birthday.
Uh, technically speaking, that was June 14th.
K: You told him it was the flag's birthday?
D: Yeah.
K: What happened to revolutions, taxation and excessive governmental interference? And I'm not talking about the sitting Congress.
D: I tried, but he wasn't following it very well.
E: Mom, I can't wait birt'day hats. I want birt'day hats for flag's birthday, Mama.
K: Eat, we don't have birthday hats for the flag's birthday.
E: Mama, I eat birt'day cake for flag's birt'day.
K: The kid told us which direction to turn to get home from the ice cream store last night. Don't you remember ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I used to ride my FIL's ass because he drank so much coffee. You know those doctors. Anything less than 7 cups is for the sissies. Everytime I would see him, he would drag out some silly study published in the New England Journal of Medicine about how coffee is going to cure cancer or make you look 30 years younger. The last time he came to my house, he pulled out a crumpled article (with coffee stains) about the great antioxident qualities in coffee.
Blah, blah, blah.
Until I embraced my very own pot of coffee at his house last weekend.
FIL: ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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K: OMG, The Baby was up from 10 am to 10 pm yesterday. The kid won't sleep.
Jen: Maybe it's the coffee.
K: Huh?
Jen: Maybe you need to just step away from the coffee.
K: You think that's it?
Jen: Uh, YEAH.
K: So you are saying the pot of coffee I'm drinking every day to keep me awake so I can keep The Boy from burning down the house is keeping The Baby awake?
Jen: You are drinking A POT OF COFFEE A DAY?
K: Actually, yesterday I drank a pot and then 3 cups at the diner so I guess that would be 7 cups ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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To spice it up a little, throw in three middle seats not even near each other, two family members with congestion, the woman three rows up with TB, and a husband who thinks that since he paid $670 for his seat, he should be able to watch "Breach" unmolested for 2 hours. On a plane. Because it's free and all.
Two hours.
Then rent a minivan with California plates. In Oregon. You can ask the nice lady at Alamo if you are going to get beat up for having a minivan with California plates and she will assure you that you will be ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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D: Can you see him?
K: Sort of. I can see his feet. Uh, now I can only see his shadow.
D: Can you see him now?
K: Nope, but I can see the door and that's his only way out.
D: Are you sure he is still there?
K: I can hear him banging around on the other side of the gumball machines. Suddenly the nice young man busing tables across the room made a motion to us with his hand.
K: You should definitely go get him. That guy is pointing. Maybe he left.
D: You think?
As my husband climbed out of the booth ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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As seen on dictionary.com
training--v. tr.
- To coach in or accustom to a mode of behavior or performance.
- To make proficient with specialized instruction and practice. See Synonyms at teach.
- To prepare physically, as with a regimen: train athletes for track-and-field competition.
- To cause (a plant or one's hair) to take a desired course or shape, as by manipulating.
- To focus on or aim at (a goal, mark, or target); direct. See Synonyms at aim.
- To let drag behind; trail.
As, is the ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| check my pictures out here. They are giving away a trip to Blogher and the more popular you are, the better your chances... ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Here we have it, people. You are witnessing Day #2 of "the-first-diet-Kristen-has-ever-done." Except for that pesky 6 year stretch of anorexia in high school and college, but who really considers starvation as a diet?
I'll spare you the weight loss ticker but I'll let you know that I have 23 pounds to lose. 17 pounds until my "damn-you-look-fine" weight.
23 pounds to my fighting weight. 23 pounds until my "you'd-better-watch-your-husband-cause-he's-gonna-be-CHECKIN'-ME-OUT" weight. .
My inspiration is a number of things. The pictures of my fat ass being plastered over the Internet after Blogher Business, for one. You people who propogated that cruelty, ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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The internet is SO SMALL that your by-far favorite Match.com boyfriend with whom you have not conversed in, oh, I don't know, 5 years, finds you by googling "half-assed parenting." And despite your clever concealment of your identity and relying on the fact that your life is such a mere shell of what it used to be, said by-favorite Match.com boyfriend comments on your blog that he knew it was you.
Oh, Internet, it is clear that I am the person in this blog.
Hi, tvtown. Congrats on the impending arrival of your baby! Stay tuned for more tips on half-assed parenting. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I bring this up because today shall hereby be referred to as "The Day The Boy Finally Decided to Use the Bathroom in Lieu of Stinking Up the Whole Damn House." He didn't really decide to do it on his own. I am just holding his diapers hostage.
And boy is he pissed off.
E: I wanna wear my DIAPER.
K: Uh, no.
E: DIIIIIIIIIII-A-per.
K: Let me think...... uh, no.
I can't do it anymore. If, when I am discussing with your father whether or not we should go get i-c-e-c-r-e-a-m and you say, "I go eye cream, Mama," I think it's safe to say ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I'm sitting at my breakfast table/dining room table/didn't someone buy this for a desk-table, drinking a White Russian. I have just gotten off the phone with my 2 year old son who was singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the 7th inning stretch. Feel free to look at the time stamp again... He was cracked out on peanuts, popcorn, cotton candy, cracker jacks, hot dogs and soda. I fear he may need blood replacement therapy to totally detox.
Back to the White Russian. As I sit here sipping my white russian (which, if I may say, is so ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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it's a lovely house.
Funny thing about foreclosure houses, the owners can kinda see it coming (what with not paying the bills and all)so they do crazy things like eat dinner directly off the carpet. Electric blue carpet. it's hot in an '80's kinda way.
After 5 hours on the cell phone over the last week, i have come to the realization that Com-effing-castic was the way to go. Verizon has made me do crazy things like throw a wet diaper at my son and stick my entire head in a sink full of cold water in order to keep myself from ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Enough said.
Back to packing... ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| The picture is for you, Britt. I knew you would be dying to know how they looked. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| I'd have to say it was a pretty uneventful weekend. How was yours? ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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It will be refreshing for all of you to hear that my whining is getting on my last nerve too. I'm officially on sabbatical from whining and complaining.
Septic tank has to be dug up and the bank won't even let us do it before closing to make sure that someone else's crap isn't backing up on us the first time we flush? Who cares? Multiple hornet's nests in the attic when husband was at the home inspection? It's not like he got stung and died. Ancient heat pumps that don't function? It's summer, for heaven's sake. The lawn was mowed ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| I'm a food nazi when it comes to my babies. When Ethan was born, I put it right out into the universe that he was going to survive on boo until he turned 6 months old. It was actually a form of torture for my in-laws. My FIL bemoaned that fact that I wouldn't let The Boy suck on a chicken wing when he was 5 months old. This, of course, was before my SIL gave The Boy his first unwashed carrot at the supermarket (not to be confused with the pizza crust the next night and a sip of ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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This morning was the home inspection at Baby Boom. Luckily for me, it's not difficult to wake up at 5:30 a.m. when you have been up since, I don't know, around 2:30 a.m. We were all up and running in no time.
To a locked house. That's right. After our 45 minute drive, we (along with our real estate agent and the home inspector) discovered that the lock box has time constraints. So despite the seller's agent knowing we were coming at 8 a.m., the house was locked up tighter than a bug in a rug. Right before the home inspector ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| First off, to The Boy, who decided today to rip off his diaper in a motion that could have been confused as a Chippendale's move (not that I would know personally, of course), I could have done without the CRAP ON THE FLOOR. Sure the timeout/spanking/screaming may have been excessive punishment but did you really think that ripping off a poop-filled diaper and flinging it at your brother in his swing was going to get any less a reaction from me? Really? 'Cause as the nuggets flew through the air and onto the carpet (the only carpet in the WHOLE ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| Everyone knows how I feel about potty training. It's not like I'm against it. It's just that I don't like to be told that NOW IS THE TIME and WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU and IF YOU DON'T DO IT NOW HE'LL BE CRAPPING HIS PANTS IN HIGH SCHOOL. He is 27 months, for heaven's sake. The problem is, he is well on his way to potty training himself. I say, "Hey, have at it."
Pampers decided that it would assist in the potty training process by coming up with this little gem. |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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This collossal Baby Boom is the new Chateau Cookie.
I'm off to IKEA to buy curtains for 700 windows. Wish me luck! ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| Yeah, motherhood has made me soft. It is clearly evident on my lack of negotiation skills in my real estate endeavors. In the old days, I would have put all my money on the number 8. I would have then rolled an 8 six times, taken nearly all my money off the table and then thrown a 7 and crapped out. These days I feel like I'm throwing a 7--every single day. Every day is one day closer to sleeping with my husband and two kids on a queen size mattress on the floor of my ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I'm going to ignore the fact that in 17 days I will be homeless and that the bank that owns the McMansion that we are trying to buy came back after 3 days with a counter offer of 75 cents less than the list price and their real estate agent asked for more time to talk some sense into them (which was last Thursday) and still there is no word. Let's move on to why we are all really here--to read about my poor parenting skills.
K: Are you taking a shower soon?
D: Yeah, why?
K: Can you take the baby in ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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'elp me, 'elp me, 'EEELLLLPPPP MEEEEEEE, MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAA!
I looked over to see The Boy trying to pry open the doors to a little silver car.
K: Ethan, nothing opens up on that car. It's a Matchbox. The doors don't open, the hood doesn't come up. Nothing.
E: I just need the keys, Mama.
And I venture he would add "a keyless remote" if given enough time...
... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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So I'm sitting on my couch trying to decide how exactly to spend my 1 hour and 55 minutes without the Tornado when The Baby starts to cry.
Before I can stop myself, I reached for the remote control and pushed fast forward.
No lie.
... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Note to self:
If you are trying to help a friend out by forwarding on her resume, make sure that in addition to cleaning up all your conversations, you CHANGE THE INAPPROPRIATE SUBJECT LINE.
You wouldn't want the recruiter to get his hopes up that maybe HE was getting a better job than the one he is sporting now.
... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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"Mrs. Derek, I installed the new electrical panel box and now that I have completed that work which will cost you $1300, I have found that the OLD WIRING in the kitchen trips the ground every time so if you want GFCI circuits installed, I will have to rewire the kitchen AND the dining room. The dining room too because it's on the same circuit."
That will only cost $600. I think.
Did I mention that our offer on the house was summarily rejected? Not even a "no, thanks."
The Boy watched the Blueberry episode of Dora and for hours was saying "I ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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My husband is a pack rat. If you know him, you are laughing right now, thinking, "pack rat is putting it nicely." For heaven's sake, the man would have his gall stones in a jar on a shelf in the basement if Dr. John had given them to him.
He is incapable of throwing anything out.
When my sister helped me organize the house about 3 years ago, she commented that she came across a picture of him with his first wife and his sister and her first husband.
"Do you want to see it?"
I'll pass. OK, maybe I peeked. I ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Derek was outside mowing the lawn when we got the call that Hottie Batottie did in fact sign the paper to remove the contingency and to put the "Window Horror" into our hands for immediate attention and corrective measures prior to closing.
I must say that going from $4000 of required repairs to $2000 of repairs was quite a relief. And Derek determined that we only have to borrow Cath's lawn mower ONE MORE TIME before a May 24'th closing. I'm thinking we may have 2 more mows in our future.
We celebrated by drinking homemade margaritas and when The Boy ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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This is the post where I am forced to retract all the evil things I said about my buyer. Apparently he just feared for his life with the windows in our house and he was led to believe that they would need to be replaced. OF COURSE he isn't trying to milk us for 2 grand and he just is safety-conscious and wants the windows fixed.
As soon as the contract is signed (supposedly tomorrow), I will rest easier. Now I am just milking an ulcer waiting to see if our incredibly low offer on a McMansion is accepted. Before ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I know I was a fantastic plug for the Cinnamon Vanilla Bacon, I mean Cinnamon Vanilla Home Fragrance Spray just three weeks ago when I attempted to cover the smell of bacon in my house. But I must say that I have found a new Bath and Body Works product that exceeds even that one.
After lying in bed with 2 hours of insomnia thinking about how I are going to deal with these crazy people that are either trying to get out of their contract OR are just trying to be sure that my son ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| That was Jen's brilliant idea.
Just because the hottie batottie's real estate agent said I was messy and that I would never sell my house unless I cleaned up and then I did all this work on the house that his client never saw before he put in the contract for $37,000 under list, Jen said that maybe when it came to the home inspection, someone would suddenly develop a soul.
HA!
In keeping with my real estate experiences |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Because when your Sony VAIO comes, you may find yourself inexplicably telling the DHL delivery guy that you are so happy you could kiss him on the lips and when he stares at you in abject horror, you won't even care. AND I'M BACK IN THE GAME!!! ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Nothing like a little biking weather to make a sister go out and get a fancy-shmansy bike.
... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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First you need a little hot water, because who wants to get into a cold pool?
... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Rusty nails in paint.
Is this love that I'm feeling?
Day care looking good.
Soaking wet bedding.
But I just changed that diaper.
Never buy Target.
Live for tomorrow.
My new computer coming.
Back to my old life.
And what won me a "major award" over at www.notesfromthetrenches.com (thanks, Chris),
Taxes due today.
Should have kept better records.
I hope I like jail. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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K: Do you think it's odd when, before seeing your house, and then after seeing your house, someone asks how soon you can move out?
D: Yes, but what did you tell him?
K: I told him that we could move out as soon as he needed us to.
D: That's good.
K: He said he'd call tomorrow. I guess I shouldn't get excited because that's what the last 6 people said. And how about Hottie Batottie? He came to see the house 3 times in one week. If I had been dating him, I would have been taking a shower EVERY SINGLE DAY, ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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If you poke me one more time with that screwdriver, you are going in time out. Your brother's foot does not bend that way. DON'T YOU DARE (click) lock me in the basement again.
I can't bribe you to pull weeds but you can't seem to leave the damn tomato plants alone.
You can't run down the street in a diaper in 50 degree weather.
Stop putting your fingers in your brother's ear (or mouth, or nose, or eyes).
Get down from the top of that cabinet right now.
Why is there a gallon of milk ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Mostly naked boy,
Full of too much energy,
Diaper falling down.
Lanes ending merge left,
Three lanes closed during lunch rush,
Too hard for morons.
Crying baby boy,
Brother trying to burn down house,
Mom is certifiable.
Friend said Xanax saves,
Still screaming at crazy kids,
She should try drinking.
Forty-five degrees.
The news promised spring weather.
Why is it so cold?
Web host dropped Mommy's site.
For not paying 3 dollars.
Bastard big business.
Husband getting hot.
Got birth control prescription.
No baby worries.
... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| When I woke up this morning, I asked my husband if he thought anyone would show up unannounced to see the house today. Which means, should I get my lazy ass moving and clean up? It's not like we were going to church this morning or anything. At my church, they told us to either come to church on Saturday night or at 7:15 a.m. on Sunday morning so as to not clog up the parking lot. I was worshipping at the Church of Ikea last night so that was out and I love God and all, but I'm thinking he'll ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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K: But I don't KNOW how the "extensive water damage" got in my computer and I don't want to lie.
Sony Tech: Ma'am. We aren't asking you to lie and we don't WANT you to lie. If you don't know how it happened, we can file a claim about what may have happened. Sometimes if you just walk though something again, you may be able to remember something you had forgotten. Do you have any children?
K: A 2 year old boy. Can you hold on a second? (Ethan, stop eating that styrofoam!)
S.T.: Where do you keep your laptop normally?
K: On ...
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| but can I just take a moment to say that when Don from Sony support called to say there was extensive water damage to my laptop and that the underwriters need a REASON for the water damage, it felt disturbingly like the time I was on the phone with the cell phone insurance trying to get a new phone and they told me I had extensive water damage after that one miniscule snowflake landed on a contact. Not to be confused with the time The Boy put my cell phone into the gin and tonic. I fessed up to that ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| or maybe it was the Irish Lottery scheme I was running. But my husband reset the modem and I have a new random IP address that does NOT keep me out of my blog and every other important website in my life. I would like to say that 6 days without internet access has resulted in a sparkly clean house or only clean clothes but it is not so. We are 90% done with the repainting, rescreening, redooring of the porch though. The project that was supposed to take 2 days. huh.
My husband came home from a work-related conference yesterday with 3 free packets of Starbucks coffee |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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"Hey, is there any way you can milk yourself tomorrow and give us a bottle so you guys can go out alone?"
Uh, sure??? ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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My laptop died today. It was deathly ill yesterday, but it just gave up the ghost today. I feel as if there has been a death in the family. Not an immediate relative but some distant very elderly relative that lived a good life, was kind to animals and small children, and was a great contributor to society.
I spent hours and hours on chat with the Sony technicial "Kevin" last night, who refused to just give me the phone number to cash in on my extended warranty. Not to be confused with when I was chatting with "Corey" about ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| My real estate agent left me a message saying that when she talked to the agent who showed my house to one of his clients on Sunday, he mentioned that the house was "messy."
Could I try and straighten up a little before I went out in the future?
I'm torn. Should I be more pissed off by the "messy" reference or should I be more pissed off about the suggestion that I clean my room before I am allowed to go to the high school football game this weekend or to have my friend Marelle over to watch the Top Gun VHS just one more time? My mother will attest to the fact |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| sigh.
I have always wanted to use the prevalent blog "sigh." It's so powerful. You can just see my defeated shoulders hunched over, can't you? But back to the show, kids.
This house has been on the market for 8 months. I know the market is crap, but if I had known how crappy it was, I probably wouldn't have, I don't know, but EVERY SINGLE THING I OWN into 2 pods in order to make the house look miraculously spacious. This would be for all the people that neglect to add up the square footage of each room of the house to realize that I live in a shoebox. With a man who probably still has his drawings from preschool somewhere in a box.
We filled up two pods full of our (read "his") crap and sent it on its way to a warehouse at the |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| I have on occasion been called a permissive parent. I mean, if The Boy wants to try something, why shouldn't he be able to try? Isn't that what life is all about? But I'm thinking we may have gone a little too far yesterday.
It was his father's brilliant idea to take him canoeing. I mean, the man has been longing for this moment since he was 18. And that was more than half his life ago. All he ever wanted was to have a son to take canoeing. What the heck, why not?
This is how they started out. Note the bike helmet. His father's idea, but it's purpose, I know not. |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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. Emily was so kind to me at Blogher 2006 when I had a toddler running around acting like a lunatic. She confessed to us that she doesn't have a sister and so we made her an honorary one. I'm not sure whether she'll think that is a good thing when it is all said and done. WE LOVE YOU, EMILY!!!
Day 2 was just as great as Day 1 and I got an opportunity to talk to Jean of PBS Parents about the concept of blogs on their website. We are huge fans of ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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The new Jen Lemen.
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I don't even like to use the phrase "potty training" as its mere mention causes certain people to then ask incessantly about the progress of any form of potty training. In fact, it will be the only phone conversation for at least 4 weeks and it may be implied repeatedly that the only reason The Boy is not, in fact, potty trained already is because his mother is lazy. It may even be implied that The Boy's Mother is "holding him back" from his true desire of being potty trained.
Whatever. When I caught him climbing onto the toilet ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Tonight, after a brief stop at Baskin-Robbins, where my husband asked if I really NEEDED that 2nd scoop of ice cream on my cone, we stopped in at the Talbot's Outlet for their 75% off everything sale.
I'm not really a Talbot's girl, or is it Talbot's gal? But I am a 75% off everything kind of girl. And I just found out that I am going to Blogher Business thanks to Minti and I have absolutely nothing to wear. Unless you want to count my Lucky Jeans and . . . oh, that's it. Derek thought it ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Let me tell you something. If you want to finish off a perfectly horrible week, quite possibly the worst week of your life (if you are feeling HIGHLY melodramatic), I would highly recommend going to the DMV to get your driver's license renewed.
I would suggest going to the DMV AFTER you have cried for 30 minutes because UPS lost the shirts you sent to Cathy of Canadia (sic intended), the 2 shirts that took you 2 WHOLE days to make, that you then spent $3 MORE than the entire order to ship, just so that Cathy could ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Derek asked what I was attempting to do just 15 minutes before Amy and T. were supposed to show up for dinner.
K: I'm trying to nurse the baby now so that T. doesn't have to look at my bare breasts all night.
D: Well, everyone else in America has seen them. Why can't he?
I don't know. Because now I can practically tuck them into my pants? Because T's from Maine? Because the state from which they are hailing is just slightly less uptight than the mother of a 15 year old girl on prom ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Thank you to everyone who commented or sent me nice emails about how I am NOT the worst mother in America for handing my son a bottle of children's vitamins and forcing them down his throat until the bottle was half-empty. You all are too kind. I will respond to each one personally as soon as Fed Ex delivers the shackles for my son's ankles. Until then, I am spending my days sitting on top of him to keep him out of trouble...
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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The approximate amount of time it took to take the childproof top of the bottle off and to down around 70 Flintstone vitamins.
Four hundred seventeen minutes...
The amount of time it took to go to call the pediatrician, poison control, drive to the ER, have a tube inserted down a throat, induce vomiting, ingest 340 ml of laxative which took 3 hours and 45 minutes to take affect and to be released.
To the ER doctor who looked at me with distain, thanks. I wasn't feeling awful enough.
To my newborn, who ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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This afternoon we decided to take advantage of the spectacular weather by heading to Old Town to rub elbows with the "haves." Actually we were just in the mood for fish and chips.
We brought the dog. Or shall I say Derek brought the dog. I told him that under no circumstances would I be responsible for the dog. So there I am at fish and chips placing a to go order because we have the DOG and now we have to eat outside, when I look out the window to see Derek conversing with a stunning blond ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Yesterday I went to the DMV. I know, what the hell was I thinking? But when your state is responsible for randomly giving driver's licenses to terrorists, then they get all bad-ass and change the laws and now decent, self-respecting citizens are forced to GO TO THE DMV to get a license renewed. Ridiculous, I know.
I left The Boys with their dad because what reeks more of tuberculosis more than the DMV? That and hepatitis-es. I don't know which ones, but until The Baby has his 17th booster shot to protect him, it's better to be safe ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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For more pictures of the rugrats, clink on the ethan and nathan link to the right...
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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K: You are gonna have to walk home from the train station today.
It was a cruel thing to do, since he went in late this morning after we took Nathan to the doctor's YET AGAIN. Between 3 well visits and 4 calls for illness (cold from his brother--check. thrush--check. not pooping for days and DAYS--check), we just absolutely positively HAD to go again. This time was for the smoker's cough he has developed at 2 1/2 weeks. I swear I checked all his pockets and not a pack of Marlboro's to be found. Maybe he already quit and ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I have just discovered the world of "babysitting by television." You people that have been doing it with your kids for years and telling me how great it is--you were so right. I couldn't get The Boy to pay attention to television for longer than 2 minutes (other than CSPAN) until a month ago. Now he yells "MOOOOORRRREEE DOOOOOOORRRRRAAAAA" like a lunatic. All day long. When I tell him "no," he resorts to asking to watch the news.
I swear I am not lying.
"Eat-ney watch news, Mama."
"All the news is bad, buddy. No news for you ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I find it's the 4th hour of constant nursing in the middle of the night that gets me. The first three hours of constant nursing, no problem. I can practically sleep right through it. It's the fourth hour that cripples me. The fourth hour of "I-really-just-want-to-have-the-nipple-in-my-mouth-in-case-I-MAYBE-want-to-eat-but-I-probably-won't-but-don't-you-
dare-take-it-out-or-I'll-scream-bloody-murder."
Uncle Mike said that having your second isn't like doubling the work. According to him, it grows exponentially. I didn't want to tell Uncle Mike that 1 quared is 1.
So after my virtually sleepless night, I "woke up" at 5:45 a.m. to Derek putting The Boy in bed with ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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K: HEY! What are you doing putting the "Sunday" onesie on him? It's Friday night. You should put the Saturday onesie on him now.
Mom: Who are you kidding? I've seen how often you change this kid's clothes. He could be wearing this Sunday onesie on Monday still.
K: Good point.
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Things you do with the Firstborn:
- Buy the Costco size Dreft Baby Detergent, use it for the recommended 12 months (and I mean TWELVE MONTHS, PEOPLE), only cheating once when you find that damn onesie underneath the bed after you washed every single eff-ing piece of baby clothing in the house.
- Leaving an establishment the second the baby started crying so that others would not bothered.
- Pull over on the highway IMMEDIATELY when baby starts to cry so that you can feed him. Heaven forbid he feel abandoned by you when you haven't been holding him for a whole ...
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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His father doesn't even feel guilty.
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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He treats breastfeeding as one treats a bottle of Montrachet 1978 that has been purchased in lieu of a home. He approaches it with trepidation that maybe, just maybe, if he turns his head away for one moment, it will be gone. He takes slow sips, savoring the full-bodied flavor. He knows in his heart of hearts that he can make that one drink last for hours.
It's the only time in a mother's life that she wishes her child breastfed with the enthusiasm that gives her faint glimpses of a future Daytona Beach Beer Funnel Grand ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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K: You wanna go upstairs first and get ready for bed? Or are you ready?
D: No, I gotta brush.
K: "Brusha, brusha, brusha, With the new Ipana."
D: Where the HELL did that song come from? What the hell is an Ipana? Why do you insist on singing that song every time you ask our son to brush his teeth or when you brush your teeth? Where did you learn it?
K: I don't know. It's the song they sang when we were in school to get us to brush our teeth. Right before they would give us those ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Ethan,
Today you turned two. Good thing Marmie thought to teach you your new age a few months ago because I think your parents would probably have not thought about it until today. When we asked you this morning how old you were, you yelled "TWO!!!"
If anyone had told me two years ago today that this is how it would be, I would never have believed them. You are so more amazing that I could ever have imagined. You are fascinated with all things related to fire/danger so we have spent the last week putting candles in everything and letting you blow them out. This morning it was your breakfast muffin. Apparently they taught you how to sing "Happy Birthday" at school because it is all you have been singing. We are really glad that we had your birthday party LAST Saturday because your brother came a little earlier than expected.
You are the most fantastic big brother ever and would spend all day, every day kissing your "baby bru-dder" on the head if allowed. You have been quite a surprise though. For 2 years we have tiptoed around this house to make sure that you don't wake up from any small sound and now that your brother is home screaming in the middle of the night, you sleep right through it. If only we had known.
Your dad broke down on the day your brother was born and bought you a two-wheeled bike with training wheels. Normally a present for a 5 year old, he is determined that you one day find your true dream of becoming a dirt bike champion. After watching you pedal backwards on your tricycle at 30 mph around corners, we think that maybe you have moved up the bike food chain. You promptly got on the bike and started to complain because pedalling backwards makes you brake, not actually GO backwards.
While you look like a clone of your father, the general consensus of the people is that your mouth has been cloned from mine. While a short time ago you were only saying a word here or there, you now find it impossible to remain silent for longer than 3 milliseconds at a time. It exhausts your father but I find it charming. And it's nice to now how the proof of your brilliance by merely opening your mouth. Today your father had difficulty opening a box and you loudly directed him to "GET A KNIFE, DADDY."
You love to paint and draw. Even more, you love to snap crayons in half. It drives me crazy. Then you hound me to put all your favorite letters on the paper for you to try to copy. E, O, A. If I turn around, you'll hop down on the floor and try to color on the carpet. I'm not sure why but I think it may be just to drive me crazy. I mean, crayon doesn't even show up on carpet and yet still I freak out.
You used to be a pretty good eater but now you just ask to go to "Costco, Mommy, hot dog." It's moments like this that I know I have truly failed in the food department. Until you ask me for pasta. Then I know I have done something right.
Thanks to your Aunt Pache, you are obsessed with Dora. I don't know what Dora is teaching you, but I am enjoying the 30 minutes to myself every morning now. You still occasionally like to watch CSPAN with me, but it just isn't as frequent as it used to be.
You have a fantastic sense of humor and you know exactly when to pull it out. Not long ago when we taught you your animal sounds, you figured out that if you answered that every animal made the "BAAA" sound that I would flip out. So for 6 months you did it every single time I asked. You couldn't even contain your laughter as you did it and I knew from the very beginning that I was being played. Now you do the same thing with your colors and shapes. You giggle, giggle, giggle like it is the funniest inside joke ever. I have resorted to asking your preschool teachers what exactly you know because you are always laughing and giving me the wrong answer to everything I ask. In that order.
You and your father are two peas in a pod. Like clockwork on Monday morning after a very fun weekend, you hand me the cell phone to call your father. When he answers the phone at work, you say, "No, Daddy, no work. Home, Daddy, home." I think it breaks your father's heart a little bit everytime you do it.
You took swimming lessons and refused to do whatever the rest of the class was doing when instructed to do it. The instructor begged you to blow bubbles but you looked at her like she was crazy. You then came home and performed EVERY SINGLE EXERCISE in the bathtub correctly and blew bubbles for 45 whole minutes. You are going to be the death of me.
You are a pro in the kitchen and we have determined that you are just biding your time until you can get your own apartment and live on your own, eating cookies at your leisure. If we don't get you the food you want fast enough, you just help yourself. I could do without you trying to pour your own milk from the gallon container however.
You are completely fascinated with taking pictures and then checking them out on the back of the camera. Your father got clever and has now stipulated that you can't see the back of the camera unless you smile for the front of it. So far it is working like a charm. I'm very concerned that you will be a preschool child who demands a digital camera. I would tell you to get a job to pay for one but I think you might take me up on the suggestion.
You are growing up so very fast and every day I realize that I love you even more than the day before and with more love than I ever thought was possible. A week ago today you told me for the very first time that you loved me. It was unsolicited and had you asked me for anything in that moment, I would have given it to you. I can't wait to see what this year has in store for us and we are so very blessed to have you in our lives, Ethan Lewis. You are my favorite boy in the whole world (but don't tell your brother). I love you.
Your Favorite Mom
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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D: So how's the whole breastfeeding thing going? (spoken like a damn lactation consultant)
K: Fine, I guess. I did have a weird dream last night.
D: I'm listening.
K: I was so, so tired because The Kid was keeping LA club hours last night and I had a dream that a squirrel was chewing my nipple off. I just kept thinking I wish he would finally get it off so I could stay asleep.
D: That good, huh?
K: Look (flashing boo). It's still on there. I must have been really tired.
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Sunday, February 11, 2007
7:30 a.m. Wake up
7:40 a.m. Shower
8:25 a.m. Eat cheesecake. Only a piece but want to eat half of cake.
9:00 a.m. Contraction.
9:12 a.m. Arrive at church for 9:00 a.m. service because God forbid we ever arrive on time.
10:45 a.m. Go to Target because now seems like a good time to get latch to install carseat. No latch.
11:14 a.m. Go to other Target. Larger, only same stuff with greater quantity. No latch. No bike for The Boy, which has now been added to list.
11:43 a.m. Lunch at Famous Dave's. Eat ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Introducing Nathan Clark, ata 7:48 p.m., 2/11/2007, 8 lbs. 8 oz., 21 inches.
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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38 weeks, 8 days, possibly in labor, all alone
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Yesterday we were sitting in Barnes and Noble drinking our Starbucks when The Boy decided that he was going to revisit his aversion to coffee. Or would that be attempt to overcome his aversion to coffee? College freshman buy into the mantra that beer is an acquired taste and The Boy will lick the top of a beer bottle until all hints of hops are a faint memory. What's a little coffee? He refuses to be thwarted. I handed him my cup.
E: EWWWW.
K: Give it back.
His father wandered back from a trip to the lav. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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This morning The Boy climbed up into our bed complaining of cold feet. Maybe it was because the thermostat was set on 50. Maybe it was because with two comforters, a blanket AND a flannel sheet, he still can't figure out out to, and this is going to sound so off the hook, pull the covers up.
Or maybe it was because his warm footie PJ's were missing the footies.
E: Mommy, cold, cold.
K: Ethan, where are the feet in your footie pajamas?
E: No feet, Mommy.
His father was remarkably silent. I grabbed The Boy's ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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That's a rhetorical question, People. The first person that leaves the "when you give birth, you can have chocolate covered raisins" comment will find me unexpectedly at their front door, ready to beat them senseless with a blunt object. You too, Tara. Don't think you are immune because you live on an island.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank God for the 1/16 of an inch of snow He sent showering down on us last night. It was pretty. I would like to kick the county in the shins for cancelling school for the entire day ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| 38 weeks, 2 days ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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False labor. That's right. Just like drinking and dancing lead to sex, cocktail playdates lead to false labor.
And WHY do cocktail playdates lead to false labor? Because that's exactly what a 38 week pregnant woman who has a sip of alcohol deserves for a) even THINKING about drinking during pregnancy and b) committing the heinous and practically felonious act of serving alcohol in front of the kids.
I blame it on Becca. I mean, Becca has been reading this blog since back in the Cookie days, I don't think she has ever commented once ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Her mother swears it was her first kiss, but she seemed pretty experienced...
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Stay tuned.................
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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As we watched the video, I hit pause when Meredith referred to the iVillage survey. I'll admit it. My husband has ruined me. Never marry a statistician.
57% of people surveyed at iVillage said that cocktails at playdates were unacceptable. No indication of number of people surveyed, no indication of margin of error.
K: Is it just me or does that sound like a bullshit survey?
D: What's iVillage?
K: Isn't THAT the question of the day?
On a lighter note, my pregnant belly is frightening the locals.
I am not joking. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Dear Dr. Janet Taylor,
I know this email is at the bottom of your box and you will probably never read it, but I thought I would send it anyway. It kinda feels like the year I emailed all of People's 100 Most Eligible Bachelors before I realized that I had bought my issue a week after release and while those hot guys in Alaska must be pretty bored, they aren't reading after the 50th email. They sign into their mailbox, see 28,000 new emails and just head for the bars to pick up girls the old fashioned ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Who needs 30 miles of train track from IKEA when you have Mom's belly?
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I pulled into the parking lot at 9:03 this morning. I was running a little late because I didn't get out of bed until 8, thanks to the 3 to 6 am insomnia.
The parking lot was packed. Packed in a "no wait, I think there might be a spot at the very end of the row" kind of way. There was a minivan parking when I was pulling into my spot. You have NEVER seen a pregnant woman move so fast. I didn't know who she was but I sure as hell wasn't letting her get that ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Tomorrow is preschool registration day. Remember back in September when I went into the only preschool in the entire area that would take 18 month olds and it was 3 days before class started and I managed to get The Boy enrolled? Grant it, it was the afternoon, two day a week program, but by golly, the kid is in school and I have received a bit of a second wind and no longer look for sharp objects to use to take out a major vein or artery. At least not as much as I used to.
Having tasted ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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K: I didn't even know she was pregnant. How is she doing?
SWSRN: She looks GREAT!!! She's due the week before you but she isn't anywhere near as big as you are.
K: I see.
SWSRN: (because you can never go too far) I mean, not that you are big but she is just so much smaller.
K: Of course.
SWSRN: (cause once the train wreck starts, you just can't seem to turn your eyes away) She doesn't even look 6 months pregnant.
K: That's great.
SWSRN: (as the cars jump the track) It's just that she is so tall ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Before he was making me sweat. Now he is just making me pee.
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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BAAAAHHH---REEECCHHH! The question: What is worse than having a baby who is transverse?
How about a follow up from the mechanic letting you know that it will cost over $3,000 to fix the things wrong with your car?
Did I mention that Nathan is breech?
Nathan Clark. That's his name. And there is a whole crowd of people out there that already know that who seemed to be genuinely disturbed by the choice of that name. Like I named the kid Mortimer or Xavier. Not bad names in and of themselves. They just don't go very well ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| It was only when I got to the Rec Center that I realized I had left the towels by the front door at home. So it is snowing. I'm Ginny's daughter. I'll figure this out because BY GOD, I am not take THE POSSESSED ONE home without his burning at least 700 calories in the pool. I grabbed the Bounty from the trunk of my car (thank you, Derek, for always preparing for the car-trapped-in-the-blizzard/end-of-the-world-scenarios that I mock you about continuously). 30 minutes of splashing coupled with 2 attempts at near drowning and we found ourselves back in the locker ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Last night I trudged up the stairs because there was a commotion regarding my failure to wash the Thomas the Train pajamas from Nana. I guess you could call it a commotion about the locomotion. Ta, da, DUM. (I'll be here all week, folks).
As I hit the top of the stairs, I could hear my son still in the shower singing "happy birthday to you" in Toddler-eze. My husband walked around the corner in his underwear. I gave his waist the hairy eyeball.
D: What are you looking at?
K: You. Gaining your weight back.
D: Am ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Tonight during the President's State of the Union Address, a TIVO message popped up saying that it needed to change the channel at 9:30 to tape South Park and Weekend at Bernie's. That sounds about right at our house.
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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1. You walk into the kitchen to find your son standing on the counter drinking honey and yelling "HOT TEA, HOT TEA" repeatedly. Solution: You wipe the honey off his face, forehead and ear (?) and send him back up the stairs to bed.
2. You walk around the corner and find your son eating a granny smith apple that came from....anyone??? anyone??? Uh, I don't KNOW. Solution: You let him finish the apple and then you send him BACK upstairs.
3. You walk back into the kitchen because you think you hear something going through the trash can and ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| Don't worry, the rage is gone. No, the baby hasn't moved (OK, so he had a little stint at breech the other night) but he is back to straddling my stomach like he's trying to hang on for the entire 8 seconds. My own little rodeo champ. Who needs stomach acid IN your stomach anyway? Why not just spread it all around to all the places it will go? Do you know that people are shocked when you say that drinking water can give you heartburn? Do you know what doesn't give you heartburn? The most fantastic NY style cheesecake ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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E: Morning, Daddy.
D: Good morning, Ethan. Would you like to climb up in bed with Mom and Dad?
E: 'Os. Morning, Daddy.
D: Good morning, Ethan.
E: Daddy, Mommy hot (poking my non-responsive body)?
D: I think Mommy is hot but probably not in the way you are referring.
E: Mommy hot. Mommy (poking my non-moving, possom-playing back). Mommy, over. Over, Mommy.
D: Buddy, I think Mommy only does that if you have a treat to offer her.
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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K: What time is it? (as he climbed back into bed after comforting Mr. Cranky Pants)
D: 6:30. Why are you up?
K: Uh, because you WOKE me up.
D: Sorry. You know what's funny?
K: Tell me.
D: You know how the volume of something, when doubled, is actually 8 times the size of the originial item.
K: OK (wondering how one's "humor" could be oh, so far away than another person's "humor"). Are you gonna whip out the formula for that or something?
D: Sure. (blah, blah, blah, blahhhhhh, blah, blah).
K: Right.
D: Well I read ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I'm moving all my archives over from blogspot. I don't know how to keep you all from getting a message for every new post. If you have any ideas, let me know.
And honestly, I was much funnier then. You might want to skip the new me and read the old me instead.
Don't hate me.
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Marelle: You know, to be honest with you (because we are always concerned about Marelle's honesty????), I was a little surprised when you had Ethan.
K: What part were you surprised about?
Marelle: You were a little more into poop and vomit than I expected. I mean, don't get me wrong, I know from having my kids at your house how crazed you were about green snotty boogers but I guess I just didn't expect you to TALK about poop as much as you did when you had Ethan.
K: Oh, I HATE poop. And now it's starting all ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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As I paid for the fish and chips lunch for three using twenty-three one dollar bills....
K: I'm one of those pregnant strippers.
Cashier: Yeah, I heard about that club. It's hot.
When I came around the corner at the winery to get my cheese and crackers as my husband sampled ELEVEN local wines...
Cashier: OH MY GOD!!! When are you due?
K: February 19.
Cashier: OH MY GOD!!!
K: You're saying that because I look so small that you thought that I couldn't possibly be due for another 3 months, right?
Cashier: OH MY GOD, ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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So it's a month late...his father was determined...
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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You gotta love the barbells
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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The Boy slipped in the shower last night. I'd like to be able to blame it on his consumption of one to many Guinesses at the Fish N Chip restaurant yesterday but I imagine it was just a slippery tub.
Which my husband promptly blamed on me. OK, so maybe I was a little hesitant about putting down those daisies that my grandmother used to have in her tub. If you think we have to clean the tub NOW...
But the kid had a shiner on his eyebrow. OK, it was more like he had a marble ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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The Rec Center has a strict policy. Please keep your sick kids at home. I’m all in agreement with it. I mean, how many times over the years did I mumble under my breath about all those rotten mothers who dragged around those kids with that thick green goo dangling from their nostrils (except you, Marelle. I was never saying those things about you). Don’t you have any social conscious? Just because your kid is sick and you are ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| I'm gonna have to say, coming off 28 hours of acid reflux/heartburn/throwing-up-in-your-mouth-continuously is not unlike coming off of a 2 day champagne hangover. You know what I'm talking about? How you had that feeling that you should just step away from the $5.99 cheap ass "sparkling wine" that someone brought over and just take the Moet out of the salad crisper drawer in the fridge? But no. You don't like these people enough to bring out the good stuff so you'll just suck it up and pretend you're back in college. You thought it would all be better if you ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Yesterday I called my sister to complain that my son insists on lying so his head is sticking out my side. If I lay on my side, he stands up inside of me. His head comes out one end and his little feet stand on the bed. OK, I actually called to see at what point I should worry that he isn't in the right position. My sister, of course, got all freaky and mystical on me.
J: He'll turn. Maybe you just need to light a candle and tell him to turn.
My sister then asked me ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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And God help you if you tried to pry one out of her little hand...
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Of course her mother should remember the year she and her little sister convinced Dad to buy the shoes that WEREN'T Mary Jane's--much to Mom's dismay...
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I stapled his feet to the floor.
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Remember when, in a moment of colossal stupidity, I signed The Boy up for swimming lessons AND the wiggles and giggles class? Remember how my husband TOLD me not to do it but Mama knows best? Oh, I'm gonna die.
I showed up to wiggles and giggles class. As we waited outside the room and I watched my son plaster his entire head against the window that overlooks the pool, screaming "Agggggggg-oooo-aaaaaa" like a lunatic, I had another mom sit down beside me with her daughter. She was 5'9", size 00, and completely put together. I glanced around ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| When Derek is home on the weekends, we have a very hectic life. There is no lying around watching t.v. There are trips to the park, trips to the lake, trips to the grocery store, trips to lunch. Trips, trips, trips. So after a morning of taking The Boy to the Park/taking The Boy for a Bike Ride/taking The Boy to Lunch/taking The Boy to get Milk, I was sure we were done entertaining this child. I mean, other than school, that's more than he and I normally do in a whole WEEK let alone in one morning. But NOOOO... ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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We just weren't gross growing up. We didn't eat mud pies, we didn't roll around in the mud and I only vaguely remember jumping in and out of a good clean puddle or two once in a while.
Boys are just nasty.
I walked into Ethan's room this morning and notice a slight funk. Hum. It's a small room. And lately he has been sharing it with his father in the middle of the night when he awakens screaming like a three-headed monster is poking his eyes out with a spoon. Or maybe it's because it's the ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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First off, let me say that this weekend I came to the startling realization that I am pregnant. You would think that the fact that I can't get out of my own way, I have raging heartburn and I have Alien Nation trying to escape by way of my belly button that this would not be news to me. But it was.
K: Babe, I don't want to alarm you, but I think I am pregnant.
D: Baby, not only are you pregnant, and I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you are REALLY ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Derek called today to pass on the fantastic news that his job provides 2 weeks of paid paternity leave. My exact response--"SHUT UP!!!" Grant it they offered 3 weeks at the law firm when he worked there, but then again, they expected you to conduct client teleconferences from the labor and delivery room and expected you to make up your hours between 10 pm and 10 am every day that you had "off." So I guess that really isn't paternity leave.
The only thihg that could have made today better would have been a press release by the ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| Derek's biggest beef with The Boy is that if he tries to put him to bed before he is ready, he's like a wild cat that has been locked up in a crate. He'll start out pretty sane (only requesting to read 30 books) but then the evening will evolve into rather loud wailing and gnashing of teeth. As a precaution, Derek now only puts The Boy to bed when he is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE that he will go to sleep (e.g. The Boy falls asleep standing straight up, The Boy goes over to the gate in front of the stairs ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Lately I have been thinking that I am married to the best father in the world. Two days ago, we bought a new bed for The Boy and Derek spent the next 6 hours putting it together. An earthquake could hit this house, it would come crumbling down and STILL that boat shaped bed would be together. I'm sure of it. But his act of putting it together isn't what made me think he was the best father ever. It was how it all went down.
For 6 hours, Derek let The Boy "help" him put the bed ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Because of The Boy's 5 hour nap yesterday, he had no problem clinking his milk cup at midnight last night. That does not explain why he then woke up at 6:45 a.m. this morning. But, with waking up on the first day of 2007 at the crack of dawn, it provides endless possibilities for how to spend the first day of the new year.
Inspired, we jumped into the car and headed to pay our respects to the 38th President of the United States. Because if it is a rainy, miserable day, a pregnant woman should take her ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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My husband, at this very moment, is making me watch Days of Thunder. I'm sure this is retaliation for days of An Ideal Husband, Little Women, Much Ado About Nothing, Baby Boom and The Breakfast Club.
He only wants to watch it because he heard that it was as funny as Talladaga Nights.
He is very confused, with a confusion that can only be mastered by blondes.
D: Why did Tom and Nicole break up again?
K: Other than the fact he was gay, I think it was because she got pregnant and he ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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 and this is what your tree looks like when all your ornaments are living in a Pod container somewhere....
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| You think I would learn. But NOOOOO. "The Heartburn" is back. In case you were wondering, "The Heartburn" should be said aloud much like a 75 year old complains of suffering from "The Dia-Beat-is." I find myself acting like a poorly behaved 75 year old diabetic, hiding heartburn-causing food in a pocket here or behind the couch cushion over there. A piece of chocolate snuck here and a glass of soda in closed container that cannot be easily identified. Until now, I have managed to dodge the heartburn bullet for the last 4 months but it appears the party is ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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There is craziness afoot in this house. For some reason, my family thinks that because there are Christmas cookies in the house, they should be able to eat them.
WHATTTT???? Those cut-out cookies that took me all day to bake? Are you crazy? What made you two think that they are for eating?
My husband is faced with a terrible dichotomy--dealing with my insanity and his need to eat every cookie he can get his hands on. I keep finding either The Boy or His Dad with the large ziploc bag in his hand. I started to ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| The other night I tucked both of my boys in bright and early. Neither could breathe. So I made them get back up and get into a steamy shower. Ethan cried his best "I've-fallen-down-a-well-why-won't-anyone-come-to-save-me" cry and I just kept wondering why Derek couldn't just PICK HIM UP SO HE WOULD STOP CRYING. It got so bad that I considered getting into the shower to hold him. But as our shower has a 1.1 person maximum capacity and The Boy thinks he is 1.0 person who is entitled to be under the entire stream of the shower, I wasn't getting my ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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As we were lying in bed the other night together (because I was feeling the Christmas spirit of being inclusive), but just before we almost fell asleep:
K: Babe, do you want a Honey Baked Ham for Christmas this year?
D: Sure, Babe. But you don't have to wrap it for me. You can just put it in the fridge.
... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Last night at 5:40 p.m, approximately 20 minutes before the Postal Service takes the last set of packages out of the APC machine for the night (i.e. the last shipment of the day), I realized that I didn't have any more "Definitely Not Having A Silent Birth" t-shirts in small. This was highly unfortunate as M (keeping it anon to protect the innocent) had ordered one. I freaked out, because that's what pregnant women who own their own business do. I decided to call M and ask him what he wanted to do. Which is what I did.
"Hello?" ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I was on the phone with my mom last night.
M: You did what?
K: I was hysterically crying so I got into the car and drove The Boy to Derek's office.
M: You dropped Ethan off at Derek's office?
K: Uh, yeah.
M: When he was working?
K: That's right.
M: In the middle of the day?
K: Actually it was 15 minutes before he had to leave work.
M: Was that OK?
K: I guess.
Of course it was OK. When he came out to the car to pick him up, this is how it ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Admit it. You are dying to know if I am going to talk about my husband or my child. Which one will it be? Surprise. Try as hard as he did, I surpassed my husband last night as the family freak.
We got invited to the Casa Blanca Open House last night by my very gracious ex-boyfriend.
Ex-B: Hey.
K: Hey. Long time.
Ex-B: What's up with you?
K: Well, I'm almost 8 months pregnant.
Ex-B: What the hell are you thinking?
K: Ummm. I don't want Ethan to be one of those "only children." You ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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K: Did you buy me a present?
D: Not yet. Why?
K: I don't want you to buy me anything.
D: I know.
K: I don't NEED anything.
D: You told me that.
K: We don't have any MONEY for you to buy me anything.
D: I know.
K: You can buy me some little tool that I would need at the end of the world or something.
D: I know.
K: Are you SURE you know?
D: I KNOW.
K: Do you know in a we-didn't-have-any-money-last-year-and-after-telling-you-that-500-times-I-opened-up-a-$1300-Canon-Lens-box-on-Christmas-morning kinda way?
D: I KNOWWWW.
K: (my suspicion rising precariously) ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Patience and I had this discussion the other day about taking the Christmas light tour. You know the one. You drive around in the neighborhood looking for the Griswald-y-est house with the most amount of lights and as the kids "oooo" and "ahhhh," you as adults discuss amongst yourselves what kind of craziness drives someone to do this every year and exactly what do you think their light bill is for the months of November and December anyway. And why are the 6 foot Nutcrackers part of the Nativity scene, peering over Joseph's shoulder?
Pache mentioned that she HATES ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Overheard as I was lying in bed (a random bed in the house, not belonging to me, but deliciously empty other than me and had been for the entire night) and after listening to a long dissertation on how an electric razor works, complete with props and live action demonstrations.
D: Ethan, you were crying, crying, crying last night.
E: Os.
D: Why were you so cranky?
E: Mommy's cranky.
D: Did you just say "Mommy's cranky?"
E: Mommy's cranky.
D: Actually for once, I don't think Mommy is cranky.
Clear as a bell. Do they think I'm ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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In a cruel twist of fate, I found myself up against my husband in the first round of Fantasy Football playoffs. I have been kicking ass and taking names and frankly was sure I was going to leave him in my dust. I wasn't overjoyed about this, since, as you know from prior posts, my husband has had a rough go on the Fantasy Football front.
In a moment of weakness, I asked him which of my quarterbacks to play.
D: What does Fantistics say?
K: To play Vick. It has Brees so far down the line that ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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There's nothing quite like having 7 holes in you to drive someone to coddle you like the baby you are. Top that with a new haircut, losing 25 pounds post-op and having a 7 month pregnant wife and you can rule the world. Until you steal the covers one too many times.
I've been feeling bad for Derek since the surgery. If he wakes up in the middle of the night, he has a really difficult time getting back to sleep. So I jump up at the sound of The Boy's wimper (ok, most of the time), I sleep ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| A couple of months ago I wrote a post about how I was a big fat liar about recording my weight when I went to my prenatal exams. I mean, who wouldn't lie about their weight when given an opportunity? I say it is their fault for putting the scale in the lav and handing me a pen to record my weight. OK, I'll be honest. Right. Well then it got a little complicated because I couldn't remember when I had lied and by how much and I found myself stripping down to skivies in the lav before taking my ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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We got our first bill for Derek's operation. It's not really a bill as Blue Cross is going to pay it. Either that or we will be moving sooner than we think. Of course all of the bills say "Derek" and since Blue Cross doesn't even know Derek by the name "Derek" we may really be moving sooner than we think.
Since my father-in-law just published a scathing article on billing procedures in hospitals resulting in the entire surgical community calling for his head on a platter or just a public burning at the stake (which made ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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This morning my husband went back to work for the first time in 16 days. I love him dearly, but it was time. Even if he felt like one of those cartoon characters that when he drinks water you expect the water to come out all 7 of the holes in his abdomen.
I wish I was an artist. That would be a very funny picture.
He's back to his wicked ways. Even though he is supposed to be drinking his meals through a straw, he managed to get a french fry stuck in his throat yesterday. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Ring....
Derek: Hello.
Bob: Is this Derek? This is Principal Bob from the Elementary School located just around the corner from your house.
Derek: (noticeably more polite) Yes, sir. This is Derek.
Principal Bob: I'm calling to tell you that your dog is here at the principal's office.
Derek: We'll be right there to pick him up.
I'm sorry? How exactly does a dog end up at the principal's office? And how many admin offices are there at the elementary school that the dog ended up with THE PRINCIPAL??? And why did it sound like my husband ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Derek is on his way from recovery now. Dr. John came by to say that despite there being no symptoms for his gallbladder and the ultrasound only by chance showing one gallstone (which led to this surgery), he actually had 13. Here's to hoping my ultrasound technician was right and I am only pregnant with one baby and not 13. The other more fun part of the surgery involving the esophogus went well. I would post pictures but it is disgusting.
Props to Grandpa for waving down the Chief of Plastics in the hall yesterday at the hospital ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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She wants her hair back.
Ever gone to the shee-shee hair salon because you got in a fight with your husband about money and what better way to get back at your husband than to spend MORE money and then you went to pay the bill and realized that your haircut costs $30 more than you paid the last time (which was an arm and a leg THEN) you got your haircut (June) but somehow you don't feel guilty enough NOT to get shampoo because you ran out and it costs only $.28 an application ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I was lying in bed alone last night (I've resorted to sneaking away to an empty bed to ensure some sleep during the night--crying baby, what crying baby?) thinking about the post I was going to write about how my husband and The Boy take my breath away. I'm not sure I'll be left with any breath in me because if either smiles at me these days, I'm cooked. My son, when he grabs both of my cheeks and says, "Oh, Mama..."
Even the morning started out magical today. After the two of them found me and crawled into ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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He lets you eat salt and vinegar chips in bed.
Mom only hopes that when she gets upstairs, The Boy will have been eating chips in his own bed, rather than in his parents bed. It doesn't sound hopeful.
And where the hell did he get a bag of chips? And why is he eating them at 10:13 p.m? If you have the answer to one or any of these questions, please feel free to contribute.
Damn that waitress who brought him that glass of lemonade with dinner. And the second glass of lemonade when ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I opened up an eye this morning to find my son and my husband standing over me, speaking ill of me.
D: We have to wake Mom up so she can make us breakfast. Mom is really tired because she was up way too late trying to be more popular than Aunt Jen on Minti.
Kristen can never be as popular as Aunt Jen. And Dad is a brat. Oh, I'll get you your breakfast, baby.
... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I love that saying. If anyone knows what the hell it really means and you want to discuss, let me know.
For those of you who know me, stop asking how I feel about the elections. I'm looking forward to the budget being balanced and the war being over in 6 months. That's what was promised, right?
K: Do you want to go see Dad at the train station?
E: Os.
Should I have realized that standing on the platform with a double-decker train barrelling toward us at 50 mph, blaring a nefarious sounding "CHOOOOOO-CHOOOOO" would not ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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The Boy voted early and according to the number of his "I voted" stickers on his chest, often today. He did get rebuked soundly at the polls today. We showed up to find no line for my side of the alphabet and a longish line for Derek's side of the alphabet. Once again, I made a wise choice in retaining my last name.
After being permanently traumatized by "Hacking Democracy" (no excuse, Tara, because I think you can download it online--even in Haiti), my fears were slightly frazzled when I pushed the "VOTE" button on the screen and ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| It's all over. Derek just asked Ethan if he wanted to go to bed. Nevermind that it is 10:49 p.m and Ethan was supposed to go to bed 2 hours ago. Now he is being ASKED if he wants to go to bed. Why not just top the whole evening off and ask him if he would like a piece of cake before bed? Or maybe a Pixie Stick? Dad and Boy are now doing puzzles. Isn't that what every other 20 month old is doing right now? Hey, it's not my job so ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| Last night we drove up to the house after our dreamy date to find my sister sitting in the driveway with the truck running and The Boy sleeping with his chin resting on his chest in his car seat. I'm sure he was very comfy. Boy, did he show her. After sleeping in his Little Tikes car for 15 minutes and screaming in refusal of all beds, she took him for a drive around the corner. She said he didn't even make it past the 3rd house. She was panicked that he would wake up if she moved him so ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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My sister is coming over to babysit, but I wouldn't put it past her to pack a little black dress into her bag just in case Derek continues to, say, open his mouth before we leave at 8:00 p.m tonight.
I find that my husband gets a little sassy after he has gotten some. Kind of like now he doesn't have to be on his good behavior for at least another 12 hours (who is he kidding--24 hours). Like this morning, for instance.
D: Is there a plan for the ham soup?
Oh there's a ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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There was something that we are referring to as "The Biting Incident" that occurred at preschool a couple of weeks ago. No one in this home was the plaintiff or the defendant in said action but it did create a small stir at home. It happens but I hadn't thought about it happening and all I was concerned with was whether or not Our Little Prince would suddenly become The Biter at some point. He bit Derek once a couple of weeks ago, but he had been wailing and shoving his entire hand in his mouth.
Damn those molars. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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This parenting thing is crap. Kids are crazy.
Derek is running down the stairs, around the corner, into the kitchen, down the stairs, then up again. He is doing this because in a fit of anger today, I may have locked the bathroom door to keep The Boy out of there. I distinctly remember a conversation we had a week ago that went like this...
K: So how bad would it be if we, say, locked the bathroom door? It only has that little whole in the middle of the knob.
D: You just have to pop ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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"SSSSOOOOOO.........What are you dressed as? Yourself? Or did you guys to decided to dress as EACH OTHER tonight?"
What the hell was up with the 30 kids that showed up at our house with no costumes? All the 12 and 13 year olds. Had I known it was going to happen, I would have given out cans of Spam. Or the Play-doh I was giving to the little kids. We can only hope that where ever they are today, their teeth are rotting out. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Only the chicken knows....
... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Today was a very big day here at Chateau Cookie. Today I was sworn in as an attorney. Sure I showed up 3 hours early, I had forgotten to register, gave a wrong bar admission number so they had difficulty verifying me, realized when I sat down with my "peers" that I was wearing a hot pink maternity sweater to the swearing in ceremony of the most CONSERVATIVE court in the nation--where gray is the new black, and then had my name presented for admission by the dean of THE WRONG LAW SCHOOL. Not only did the wrong dean of ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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My mother-in-law mentioned on the phone the other night that while she was at my sister-in-law's house taking care of the grandkids while He-Who-Still-Remains-Nameless-8-Days-After-Birth was being born, that she had to sleep with my niece Hailey AND the dog. Not only did the dog sleep in the bed, apparently she needed to lay on top of my MIL in order to sleep properly. I asked my MIL if she had been allowed to sleep with her dog when she was growing up.
This was a valid question because if you have ever heard stories about Nana, she was NO ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Yesterday Nat (the letter carrier) knocked on my door rather loudly and ruined my nap. Or so I thought until he handed me a package with this card in it.
Kristen--Thought you might like this outfit for The Boy for Halloween. Or preschool. Or church. Ruthie was
my 'little devil' but it just didn't seem to suit Thomas, who is more like an angel. Or the Marlboro Man.
With that, I pulled out the mystery surprise to find THIS.
... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| Because everyone in this house is a joker. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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We all knew it was coming. The fall, that is. And the fact that as soon as the temperature dropped, I would become the temperature nazi in my house. Blame it on pregnancy. Blame it on cash-flow problems. Blame it on whatever you like. But this thermostat ain't climbing above 61 degrees in this house.
I'll admit it gets a little worse when I am pregnant. Last time I was pregnant, Derek walked around the house with shirts/sweatshirts/sweatpants/socks/slippers and occasionally a hat. I walked around in a crop top and butt shorts. What can I say? I'm hot. We ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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This weekend Derek and I had a discussion about our wedding cake. It was our anniversary last week so this really isn't SO out of order but that isn't the reason that we were discussing our wedding cake. We were discussing our wedding cake because I have a cake fetish when I am pregnant. Most people have more normal cravings. Not me. Just plain ol' supermarket cake.
Before you become alarmed at the thought of me having a supermarket cake for my wedding (as it is an item of interest that could cause great alarm), this was a ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Derek and I have been arguing for weeks about what The Boy should be for Halloween. Derek, like any good man, didn't actually want to make a decision about what The Boy should wear. He just wanted to maintain veto power. Winnie the Pooh, no. A chicken, not masculine enough. A lion, too babyish. I had enough. I bowed out. Based on the card statements, I figured my husband had no problem conducting online purchases and could figure it out himself.
So this afternoon they invited me to go along with them in search of the perfect Halloween ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| Because you may find yourself having a dream about having these people in your house and even though its a dream, you will feel obligated to be a polite and gracious host. But then you will spend all your energy trying to wake yourself up so you can stop this nightmare, only to discover that you may have clicked on too many pictures because now you are back asleep but these people have never left your house. They have just been patiently waiting until you go BACK to sleep to once again bore you with idle conversation. This ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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So I disappeared off the face of the earth for a week. Why, do you say? According to the ultrasound tech, I have more Pee Pee Teepees in my future. Isn't it wonderful?
Yes, it is. A week later. Perhaps the timing was just bad when I got the news. When we got the brand new ultrasound technician who probably would have had difficulty finding his own ass with both hands let alone the baby's ass, Derek forgot to bring The Boy's books into the room and The Boy spent 1 1/2 hours screaming maniacally, ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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If you have ever had a dog, you know that obedience training is an ongoing endeavor. You can teach your dog to sit, lay down and stay but if you aren't consistent, it all goes out the window. The only problem with the ongoing training is that dogs are prone to take shortcuts. If they think you are going to say "down" right after you say "sit," they tend to slide through "sit" and go "down" instead. Of course I think it is intentional but Derek swears that Zinni is just confused when he does that.
This is ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I wrote an article over at Minti about how to avoid the terrible 2's by using redirection rather than always telling The Boy "no." As I discussed it with Derek, he mentioned that mabe I had it a little off. Not unlike Derek to tell me I'm wrong AFTER I write an article.
D: Babe, he uses redirection on us.
K: What do you mean?
D: Haven't you noticed lately that he draws your attention in one direction and that as soon as he has you confused, he runs off in the other direction to do exactly ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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This past Thursday I went to my sister's house to watch her three kids while she took her husband to the hospital to have knee surgery.
That's right. I was a babysitter. Stop laughing. My sister tried to prepare me ahead of time about how my one year old niece Lucy is so unlike her big brothers and just gets into everything. OK, I thought, I can do this. I gave birth to Mr.-There-Ain't-No-Mountain-High-Enough. What's one more? I can handle 4 kids. For heaven's sake, my mother did it.
As I walked into her living room, ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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When Derek got home from work yesterday, I still hadn't gone to the hardware store to pick up the water lines. This, as you can imagine, did not go over well. In my defense, there was in "incident" involving The Boy and then he fell asleep and slept all afternoon. If I had a nanny, or if it was socially responsible to just LEAVE a 19 month old sleeping in his bed to go to the hardware store, I would have done it. I offered to go myself but there we were, all piled in the truck together.
... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I swear, as God is my witness, I am going to learn my lesson.
I got it in my head (thanks to encouragement from Renee to enjoy my house now BEFORE I sell it) that we should make some repairs. I told my husband that we were going to change the faucet in our bathroom.
D: Why can't we just wait for the home inspector to find it?
K: Find what? The leak, the lack of a stopper or the drip?
I was given "the Look." You know that look.
D: Why can't we ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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As you have noticed, the competition in the fantasy football league is getting a little personal but all in good fun. Until now. When fun turns to tragedy.
Next week I am up against the hottest guy in our league. He is also the most testy person in our league because he has lost 3 in a row and it looks like it is going to be down to the wire against his opponent tonight. The stakes are high. If Pache wins, Derek has to dress up as Pooh for Halloween. He also informed me today that if he loses, ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| I have found a great new website run by my friend Rachel. It's called Minti (and it's free) and they have provided a place for me to have it out with my sister over her wacky parenting style. I'm at kristen.minti.com. It's an all-out sister war. So if you want to witness the carnage, head on over there to check it out. While you are there, leave a comment (even you, my favorite lurkers--you know who you are). If you leave comments or rate my articles, I become more popular than ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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It has begun. Yesterday we were on the phone with Nana and she wanted to know all of The Boy's latest accomplishments (i.e. finding a cure for cancer, ending global warming, becoming the first Libertarian president of the United States). It was perfect timing because in the last 72 hours, The Boy now knows everything, as evidenced by his conversation with his father yesterday when a plane flew overhead.
D: That's a plane.
E: PLANE!
Not 'ain.' Not 'pain.' Not 'nane.' Just 'plane.'
Baffled that now he can speak, we took him home and read him his ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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This morning I got a call from my BIL Jorgie.
J: Krissy, I just wanted to know. If the first thing I thought of when I heard that Terrell Owens tried to kill himself was "maybe now I can beat Katie this week," is that bad? I mean, I think I am going to hell for that one.
K: Jorge, I'll be sitting right next to you at the pinochle table in hell because when I heard that he tried to commit suicide, I thought "good God, he was out of the news for a whole 3 days because his ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Actually it's the end of the world as I know it. I find that people often misuse the "we" phrase. Like, say, the buyer's real estate agent tonight at the closing.
AH: (in the elevator from the garage) If I could guess, I would guess we have a closing today and you are the seller.
K: And I would guess (based on your slimy appearance and apparent lack of a soul) that you are the buyer's real estate agent.
AH: And what's our name? (to Ethan)
K: Our name is Ethan.
Because WE clearly had not been tortured enough ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Oh, I'll never watch Barney. That dumb ass purple freak. Won't do it.
My motivation should have been for better reasons. My logic--he sings off key, he is a scary dancer. The problem is that all of those things appear to make children want to climb right up into the t.v. and sing along with the "I love you" song.
This morning I turned on TV and couldn't quite turn the channel in time from PBS before The Boy noticed the Big Purple Loon. He then sat beside me riveted for the next 17 minutes. 17 whole ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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A new twist on caveat emptor
Today I got a phone call from my real estate agent. She called to tell me that the buyers were doing their walk through and that she had just gotten a call from their real estate agent. He was complaining that he couldn't flush the toilet.
The toilet that The Boy has flushed, oh, 900 times this past week. I started to wonder if maybe the buyers thought they were getting another condo and maybe we should ask which unit they were, I don't know, actually in.
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I woke up this morning to news reports that most of my fantasy football players have ailments. A bum hamstring here, a bad shoulder there, and even a toe. Not described as a toe injury, just a toe. I'd like to think that he has 10 of them, but who knows. At the rate I'm going, this team of mine is going to need that pool the old people found in Cocoon that made them young again.
The competition is heating up and I'm happy to say that we are still conversing here at Chateau Cookie. Apparently things ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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We are less than 72 hours from closing on the condo. Or so we think. I just know that when Tuesday comes, they are going to try to pull a fast one. These people buying the place are crazy. They have gotten a little heady about this being a buyer's market. After agreeing that we fix a certain number of things, they changed their minds and said they would walk if we didn't make the shower handle easier to pull out.
A shower handle that has tightened up a little because it hasn't been used in 16 months. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Last weekend I was in the shower and I looked around the curtain to see The Boy walking by, cleaning his ear out with a Tampax.
For some reason, if The Boy even touches a tampon, his father reaction borders on requiring medical attention.
D: EEEETHHHHAAAANNNN!!!! That is not a QTip.
With that, the boy is in a run. He has a QTip fetish. He hoards them away for a rainy day. I am aware of this obsession and make sure to always keep the hall closet closed. His father, however, is not so facidious. Whatever made ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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This morning I made the mistake of trying to get some laundry done. OK, my real mistake was letting The Boy wander around while I did laundry. I told him to come down to the basement with me but he kept wandering away. I heard him up on the landing and then heard the tell-tale sound of the diaper being taken off.
Crap!
He wandered down the stairs a couple of minutes later butt ass naked.
K: Go get your diaper NOW!!! What is the rule? You have to wear you DIAPER!!! Why did you take ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| Today I walked into the living room to find that The Boy had liberated the liquid vitamins from their box packaging. We have liquid vitamins because my dear friend Renee gave them to us yesterday with promises of "we have several other bottles and we'll never use this one." Really I think it was because she was so mortified that I was eating 2/3's of a Flinstones vitamin and handing the final 1/3 to Ethan. Hey, the box says a half of a vitamin for 2 year olds. I think I'm being pretty cautious by only using a 1/3. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| OMG, it was my husband's brilliant idea to have a Fantasy Football League with my sisters and friends. I thought that this might be a bad idea because I vaguely remembered my behavior from two years ago when D was in a league at the firm. I read reams and reams of pages of scout reports, I was on the internet for hours a day, I watched more NFL that year than I have in my collective life. And I drove him to a resounding 3rd out of 12th. Behind every successful man is an even more successful woman... Last ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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It only took 2 days because I am such an overachiever.
Last night I noticed on the preschool carpool sheet that a kid in Ethan's class lived not far from us. I had talked to his mom several times and she mentioned that she was concerned about getting back to pick up another child from school after she picked up the smaller one. I told Derek that maybe I could help her out by giving her son a ride home sometimes.
I ran into her at school this afternoon and this is how it went down...
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Yesterday was The Boy's first "full day" of preschool. Only 2 hours and 45 minutes, but it's the 2 hours and 45 minutes I have been anticipating for quite some time. In fact, it's all I have talked about since I up and enrolled him a week ago.
I couldn't WAIT to take him. For days and days I have read all these sweet blog posts about how traumatized moms have been to drop off their children. I scoffed. In fact, I was slightly ashamed that maybe, just maybe, I might be one of those moms that would ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Nana sent a pair of shorts today that Derek wore when he was The Boy's age. And this was the first thing that caught my eye...
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Yesterday I walked into the bathroom to find The Boy standing in the sink, routing through the medicine cabinet. He had Derek's electric razor on in his hand (which he had turned on) and was shaving his face. With his other hand, he was applying roll-on deodorant to his lips.
This amazed me because in all of his nearly 19 months of life, I don't believe he has ever seen his mother with lipstick on, yet alone watched her apply it. For that matter, I'm fairly certain he hasn't learned that skill from his father either. I'll have ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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There is nothing to say. Five years later and there is nothing to say. I have spent hours trying to write a post that is just not going to happen.
To all who are lost, you are gone but not forgotten.
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| If you think he looks ethereal and otherworldly, it was only until after I took the picture that I realized there were about a thousand toddler prints on the lens. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Yesterday I offered to bring firewood over to the firepit at my sister's house. This was because it is not my job to get the firewood in the back.
Derek gave me The Look. I told him we could just go to Safeway and buy wood if he wanted. No, no, no. We are cheap asses now so we will pay for nothing. He and The Boy went out back to get the wood and I ran upstairs to take a 2 minute shower. When I came back downstairs, I heard the door slam and Ethan screaming. Derek ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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This morning I woke up and realized that I wasn't like all those other mothers who have been writing these really sweet posts about how their hearts felt as if they were being physically yanked from their chests when they dropped their child off for the first day of preschool.
Sure I had my brief moments. A tad of guilt for being the mother who is unloading her child on the establishment at the tender age of 18 months.
"You mean you can't be with him all day long? You have only had him for a year and ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| I woke up yesterday and decided that 2 days was long enough to wait to hear back from the preschools. I mean, I spent all of Tuesday pulling The Boy off the boxes of t-shirts in the living room. Approximately 5 feet high. My husband mentioned that I probably shouldn't let The Boy climb the boxes and I mentioned that it wasn't like I was treating it like my own personal jungle gym and that I have told him, oh, 800,000 times to stay off the boxes. And until we have a place to put all those boxes, he is ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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This weekend we got a lock for the refridgerator. And this was not just to keep Derek on his diet.
For the past week, Ethan has been going into the fridge to either take out the gallon of milk or to stick his finger in the top of the mustard bottle.
Dozens of times a day, I am either finding him sitting in the middle of the kitchen with the milk or he is running into living room to flick mustard on me. Not the Grey Poupon, but his father's very favorite crappy cheap ass yellow mustard. ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Before The Boy was born, his father began researching preschools in our area. This was simply because his father is obsessive compulsive about going to school. I don't really think he has high expectations for his child as long as he promises to get at least 9 years of post graduate education. I don't think The Boy even has to do well. He just has to go.
As a matter of luck, there were three in our very neighborhood. Two of which had very, very good reputations. Whatever the hell that means. Does that mean when you drive by that you ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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| You ever know one of those people who, when you offer a hand because you really want to offer a hand, they look at you and tell you very politely that your hand isn't up to their standards, but then you turn around and suddenly they have taken your hand and now you have a leg missing too? And then, because your hand and leg are missing and it is causing some problems, you decide to sell a kidney? And your only stipulation is that the person purchasing the kidney give you the small amount of money to pay for the ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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1. Today I spent the day with some old friends. I took this amazing picture...
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I have been DYING to say that since the 2nd grade. OK, so the Brit is gone, but it felt even better to say it than I thought it would.
It started about three weeks ago when I told my mother that Martin and his friend were coming to visit and that they were going to spend the night at our house.
M: WHAT?? You are going to have strangers that you have never met, except over the internet, at your house?
K: Uh, yeah.
M: They are going to spend the night?
K: ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Every time I tell my mother that I am a crappy parent, she feels compelled to give the "crack whore mother of the week" story that some kid couldn't see his mom because she tested positive on her drug test and the court told her to come back and visit her kid when she was clean.
That being said, I am a crappy mother.
Let's start with the vacation eating rules. I feel that when on vacation, The Boy should not be required to eat his usual daily recommended allowance of five servings of fruits and vegetables. His ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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My 8 year old niece Mada bought 50 glow bracelets and 50 glow necklaces online and sold them last night at the Movie at the Park in her town. This is her first step toward world domination, filling Warren Buffet's shoes and probably becoming president of the United States. She called at 9:15 to tell me how it went. She sold EVERY SINGLE ONE. Clearly my father's genes have continued in the family. She made $75. Not too shabby.
My sister got on the phone to tell me that it started out pretty dicey but once it got dark, ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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This morning I heard my husband get on our very crickety old scale after he got ready. I jumped up to share in the glory as I was responsible for starving him in the manner to achieve this accomplishment.
D: I gained weight?????
I came around the corner to find him standing on the scale, wearing his heavy duty khakis, a polo shirt, his brown boots and carrying his laptop.
Rank amateur.
K: Give me your 7 lb. laptop (which it is). Subtract AT LEAST 3 pounds for the boots. How about now?
D: oh.
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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I shouldn't complain really. I mean, The Boy decided a few days ago that if his mother won't get on the bandwagon, then he'll just potty train his own bad ass self. So for 2 days, approximately every 4 minutes, he is peeing in his little potty in front of the fireplace. As it is summer, it is a less desirable location than it sounds but at least I can see him from my permanent position on the couch.
I shouldn't complain really. This morning he took off his diaper, went over and sat down, grunted twice and ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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We have issues at our house regarding the drain in the tub. There. I can say it. Now that the rat bastard who SAID he would buy our house if he could sell his house figured out that selling a house isn't very easy now, is it, and requested a do-over. So all those problems that we have been covering with a little paint here and a little turning off the faucets there can now be discussed in the open. Because the house is never going to sell and I am going to have to live in this little shoebox ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Yesterday I was sitting in church and found myself staring at an LCD screen on the wall with numbers flashing up every few minutes. I have been wondering about these screens scattered along the walls of church for, I don't know, like 5 years now. As I sat there, staring at the screens and not paying attention in church because I have the attention span of a flea these days, I decided that today was the day I was going to ask someone why the screens were on the wall.
We used to take Ethan into church with us but those days are ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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On Friday I went over to my sister's house after my doctor's appointment to a) retrieve my son and b) see my mother while she was in town for Madeleine's 8th birthday party last night. Jen left to run some errands and Mom and I jumped up to clean up while she was gone. A virtually futile effort considering there were like 5 kids in the house.
I went into the bathroom to survey the situation. I find the bathroom is the easiest room in the house to clean and feel that instant gratification of a job well ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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My husband isn't really speaking to me. And this has nothing to do with the fact that I blogged about how he wouldn't separate out the nasty banana Tums from the regular, civil Tums.
I put him on a diet. As if this is not evil enough, said diet includes the "no-alcohol-during-the-week" edict. It is as if I have taken out a Bowie knife and slit him from ear to ear.
I have done this for his own good. This has nothing to do with the fact that BEFORE I got pregnant and in the midst of ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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Today is a day I was dreading. It was the first doctor's appointment after the end of the first trimester. A day when you most dread getting on a scale because frankly you have been doing whatever it takes to just get by. Any of you who have been pregnant before know the dread of getting on the scale. Because with the scale comes the lecture. Yet even in this dark hour, I have found a ray of hope.
A doctor's office that has the scale in the bathroom. Where you take your own weight behind a locked ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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But he doesn't.
A couple of nights ago I was complaining about feeling like I was going to throw up. It hovers right in my throat. Frankly, I haven't brushed my teeth in almost 4 months and I don't care. Apparently he doesn't care because he gave me "The Look" the other night, right after I had gone on my daily tirade of "when am I going to feel better and I thought I would be beyond this by now."
K: Excuse me? I don't think so.
D: I know, baby. I'm not saying anything. I know ... |
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| Posted by Kristen at | | | |
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